Broken Dreams and Beautiful Nightmares
by OCDJen
Summary: Breaking out of an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things to do, leaning to find yourself once again is just as hard. Can Jasper over come his past and learn what love is really like? E&J PLEASE READ THE AN INSIDE!
1. The Game

**_AN:PLEASE READ!_**

_I need to stress this before you go and read this chapter. This story will cover an abusive relationship, it will have detailed events of abuse. I am covering the process between being in a abusive relationship to breaking out, learning to find yourself again and learning to love. If this is not your cup of tea or are under the age of 18 I suggest you move along to the next fic and leave this one be. I speak from experience while writing this story as I have been there myself, to anyone who is reading this that is or knows of anyone who is in this type of situation know you can get out and YOU can find real happiness and love with someone. _

_The Pairing will start with Jasper and Jacob before becoming Jasper and Edward_

_A massive thank you massive thank you to my wonderful Beta who has spent hours with me talking me through this as I have been scared shitless to post it. A big thank you to Darkira for reading through the chapter before I posted it._

_This will be updated twice aweek, maybe more, now that Right There is about to end._

_Here's chapter 1  
_

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_**JPOV**_

I looked at the damage in the mirror, starting from my feet upwards. The boot mark on my foot was throbbing, red, and painful; it was already swelling. There were wet marks on my jeans from the coffee cup flying through the air at me. My T-shirt was ripped from where I had been grabbed and pulled back. There were red finger marks around my neck from being pinned to the wall by his hand. There was a cut above my left eye that was starting to bruise and running with blood from where his fist connected with my face. There were teeth marks on my bottom lip where I bit my lip swallowing my screams of pain as he forcefully thrust into me.

My hands trembled as I ran the water in the shower, fighting back the tears as I discarded my clothing. The bruises on my chest and back hurt as the hot water hit my sore body.

It hadn't always been this way. There was once a time when he was gentle, loving and caring towards me, when I wasn't afraid of what he might do next, when I didn't have to tread carefully around him when he had been drinking. But that was part of the game, part of the master plan for control, for power. This was what it was, it was all to gain power and control, they looked for the right toy, ticked all the boxes and welcome to hell you go.

The object, the toy: pick them young and carefree, pick the ones that are maybe a little naive and needing a slight confidence boost, these people are perfect for grooming. I was perfect for grooming when I met him. Three weeks before my seventeenth birthday I met him. Young and foolish was I, if I knew then what I know now then ....... Well, I didn't, so that simple fact doesn't matter.

Jacob was twenty-one, just turned twenty-one at that when I met him. I had been out for all of a year, my experience with a man was limited at best. I was lacking in confidence and was looking for someone to love me, to make me feel beautiful instead of ugly that people in my childhood had lead me to believe. Jacob was like a breath of fresh air when he walked into my life, he seemed to be everything that I was looking for and more.

_Flashback _

_"Jazz come, please!" Alice begged me as we climbed into my car after college, I chuckled and shook my head at her.  
_

_"No way am I going to play the third wheel while you suck some guy's face off." She huffed and thought for a while making me think the subject was dropped only to feel her hand on my arm, rubbing it.  
_

_"Please Jazzy, he has an older brother who plays for your team. We could set you up on a blind date with him." She clapped her hands becoming really overexcited at me. "Jazz, you'll really like him. He's tall, jet black hair, and not bad looking." She begged and pleaded with me. I was in need of a good time, in need of maybe, just maybe, finding someone to love me for me._

"_Fine, but Alice this better not be some climb through the bathroom window experience for me, okay?" Alice clapped and called this guy she was seeing. His name was something I didn't know, he seemed to just be called 'babe' or 'pumpkin' or 'sweetie' or whatever pet name Alice had come up with. _

_That night I sat in Alice's kitchen waiting for them to arrive. I was excited to say the least, my confidence was shattered, I didn't have any. You know the kid that gets picked on at school for no real reason other than the bullies didn't like him? Yeah, that was me. I had been told numerous times that I would never find anyone to love me, that I was ugly and that I would be forever single. This only stayed true when I found out or more figured out that I was gay. I had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I had never even been kissed, I mean really kissed. This happened to others, and not to me. _

_Personally I didn't think I was that ugly. I didn't think I was some Greek god or something, more geek god than anything else, but I reckoned I was somewhat good looking. But, what do you believe when you have had a lifetime of people telling you differently? You believe them and think that they are right, even if they are wrong and they are nasty and mean and suffer from their own insecurities. You still believe every damn word they say._

_He walked in, his jet black hair tied behind in a ponytail, his brown eyes sparkled at me, his unshaven look looked amazingly good on him. To say I was smitten there and then wouldn't be an understatement. He flashed the most amazing smile I had ever seen, showing me a perfect creation of white straight teeth. These teeth should have been on some Hollywood actor, they were perfect, much like he was. I was sucked in as his deep husky voice hit my ears, introducing himself to me. His eyes hid depths of unknown, they took over you, cast a spell over you and made you feel like you were the only person in the whole world, there was no one else around for miles. My voice was high-pitched and came out shaky and uneasy as we shook hands, I was about to pull my hand away from his when he brought it to his lips._

"_It's a pleasure." His breath fanned my knuckles as he spoke before placing his lips softly against my hand, holding it there for a second longer than I would have done before breaking whatever spell he was casting on me. _

_Heat ran through me, bringing my body temperature up a few degrees, making me sweat slightly. My heart rate picked up and my hands started to feel all wet and warm.  
_

Switching the shower off I climbed out wrapping a towel around me and limping slightly I made my way to the bedroom. The sounds of his underground Hip Hop music told me he was going out to see his mates. Fighting the tears back I slowly lowered myself down on to the bed. Everywhere hurt, he had done a number this time. All over what? I can't remember. I was sure he had a reason why I took this beating, more than likely it will be my fault. He'll pin it on me like always, nothing new, same old same old.

Pulling on a pair of sweatpants I tried not looking at the bruising on my hips, the purple finger marks imprinting forever in my skin. In my mind, they would always be there, always there to remind me of the mistake I made. I pulled a Tee over my head and turned the plain gold around my third finger on my left hand, the gold band had cut into me from my fist being clenched. It was sore and red and it represented all that was wrong in my life, not all that was great like it should.

Walking down the hall and into the living room, I crept past him, not wanting to draw attention to myself, or causing him to stop what he was doing. Picking the cup up gently off the drainer I placed it on the side and touched the switch on the kettle as my body shook. I was drained, worn down, and broken in half. My skin crawled as I felt his breath on my neck and his hand snake around my waist.

"I'm sorry, precious. Did I hurt you?" His voice was sincere and full of sorrow as it normally was after a beating. _Did you hurt me? What a stupid question._

"I'm okay." My voice was strained and shaky as I fought to keep it in check. His lips met my neck, kissing me gently where the finger marks now lay.

"I love you, Jazz. Always have, always will. You know that, right?" I nodded keeping my head down slightly, my eyes looking at the kettle the whole time. His fingers touched under my chin turning me towards him. I smiled slightly and gave him a kiss.

"Love you, too." Empty words now, but looking at his soft brown eyes I saw the man I fell in love with.

I guess I don't know why I stayed with him. I think I feared what he may do if I leave him. The promises of never doing it again will come, the gifts to say sorry will arrive and for a short space in time he will be the man I loved when we first met, the man who said he would sooner die before he let any harm come to me. With every passing year I believed less and less that things would go back to how they were, I know now that they never will. It was a game, something to pull me into the trap. There was no going back, this was how it was for me now, how it will be for the rest of my life unless he either kills me or I get him out. The second isn't as easy as one thinks.

"I'm off to Spike's. I'll be home later." He kissed my cheek. _Yeah right, see you tomorrow more like. _

"Will you let me know if you're not coming home?" _Why bother asking you know he won't, he never does._

"Of course, precious. Don't wait up, I would hate to wake you." He blew me a kiss and I half smiled as my heart hit the floor again.

This always hurt, knowing he would sooner be out with his mate than be home with me. Being with me was boring and not much fun, whereas drinking and smoking with your retarded mate was high on the list of fun things to do. I hoped that one day he would be back to how he was, there were times when he was just how he was when we first met, where he would shower me in love and want to spend time alone with me, just him and I, these were few and far apart.

"I won't." I would, I always did, not sleeping until he came home, choosing to have the cover on the sofa with me half sleeping, half watching the TV until his drunken self came home.

Hearing the front door slam shut I dropped onto the sofa as the tears fell from my eyes. I would often sit and think about what I did wrong to deserve this, what I actually did that was bad that I got a life of abuse. To the outside world you would never think he was this way. He was loved by my family, loved by friends, no one knew the extent of what he did. He was always so charming, the picture of perfection to everyone, he would shower me in love and act like I was his whole world when we were out, but it was an act. With the sly looks I would receive if I allowed myself to relax and have a laugh, the comments I would get if he caught my eyes looking around the room, my guard always had to be up. I didn't even know who I was anymore. The person I once was had been long lost, I was now a shell of my former self. A body that held no living soul inside. My world was a living nightmare, my dreams that I once had, had been shattered the day I married him. God, what a joke.

I remember telling my family that we were getting married. They laughed, told me I was making a mistake. That while Jacob was nice and all, he wasn't right for me. How I wish I had listened, how I wish I had stopped myself from making the biggest mistake of my life, but I didn't. My parents' concern over me marrying him only pushed me closer to do it. I rebelled against them, thought I knew what was right for me, but I didn't. I was stupid, young, and fucking stupid. I was twenty when I married him, twenty fucking years old. I knew nothing. What does a twenty year old really know about life? Not a fucking lot. You look back at those times when you thought you knew so much and you realise just how little you actually knew. Three years later into our marriage and I now truly see just what I should have seen back then. In three years I had grown, become more wise with each passing year and gotten to a point in my life where I knew a little more.

Rose tinted glasses were on when I married him, I still believed the 'sorries' and the begs for forgiveness. The promises of change that never seemed to come. I did truly love him when we married. Our wedding pictures show me all loved up in my eyes, staring at him with all the love in the world, how I hated them now.

The very first time he made any sort of move toward abusing me was a little after a year into our relationship. We had just decided to get a flat together figuring that this was our next step in life. I can't remember what was said, or how it came about, but the glass of coke that was in his hand was suddenly in my face. That was his first move on me, his first sign of control. I think I happened to comment on some guy on TV and it triggered him off. Well, I think that's what triggered him off. Every outburst now was all so mixed together that I can never truly remember what happened to start it. How sad is that? Every beating I have ever taken from him and I can't even remember the reason, though I know it was my fault. **It always is.**

Now I know how his mind works, it works the same as every other beater out there. They all play the same rules, that was certain. And normally there was always a friend of theirs that actually tells them 'well done, old chap' and gives them a pat on the back. Jacob's was and is Spike's. He doesn't know I know this, for ear wigging into one of his personal chats with his best friend would result in a nice beating that would involve something, be it the wall and my face, or the belt across my back. If he was really pissed he may chase me around the house with a knife until I take hiding in the bathroom hoping to god that the lock doesn't break and he gets in.

Not long after his first actual slap he told Spike. They were in the living room and I was in the hall. Jacob hadn't heard me come in, so he had no idea that I could hear everything he said to his so-called best friend. He confessed to Spike that the night before we had had a fight which resulted in the back of his hand being whacked across my cheek. Spike being the greatest boyfriend in the world, who had actually beaten his girlfriend with a dog lead while pregnant causing her to lose the baby, slapped Jacob on the back and said "Well done, mate. He deserved it." I guess I shouldn't have thought any differently, I shouldn't have thought that Spike Mr. World's Best Boyfriend would reprimand him, because, after all, what Jacob did was the same thing that Spike does. Spike's parting words on the subject before I made myself known was "You know a slap doesn't count."

Let me make this clear. To him, he doesn't hit me. Slapping me with the back of his hand, that doesn't count as a hit in his eyes, as he didn't use a closed fist. Yeah, it makes sense, doesn't it? We'll just forget all the times when his closed fist has connected to various parts of my body. If I was to ever say to him, which I have in the past, that he hits me, he normally laughs and says "No, I don't. I've never hit you, only slapped you." To me, and to many others, it doesn't matter if it was a closed fist, the back of the hand or boot, it still counts as a hit.

I knew I wouldn't see Jacob now until tomorrow morning with a sore head and a bad temper. If he felt like being nice I might see him around four am, depending on how things go with Spike. Until he either comes home at some hour during the night or tomorrow I will end up staying on the sofa living off a few hours of what was nothing short of cat napping. I didn't know why I did this, why I continued to stay awake, to stay up and wait for him to return. I guess there was a small part of me that hoped and held onto the love I once felt for him, the love I once felt from him. As stupid and as dumb as it might seem there wasn't much I wouldn't give to have him back to the man I fell in love with all those years ago. The man who told me I was beautiful and gorgeous, how he loved me so much he could burst. Was asking for love a little too much? I guess it was.

The light shining into the living room woke me from my napping on the sofa. Looking around our living room the lamp was still on along with the TV that was turned down to a low setting. The house was just the way it had been when he left yesterday. I knew he wasn't home, there was no point in going and checking upstairs in the bedroom only to have my heart hit the floor when I realised that sleeping on Spike's sofa was more inviting than him coming home and sleeping in a bed next to his husband. If he had returned last night he wouldn't have left the TV on. No, if anything, the CD player would have been turned on so he could get a few more hours of tones, as he liked to put it.

Throwing the cover off me I pulled myself up slowly wincing as the pain from yesterday's beating had now taken full effect in my body. My whole body was sore and stiff. Sleeping on the sofa hadn't helped me, in fact, it had only made the problems I had yesterday worse. Lifting my Tee slightly I took note of the dark purple circles that covered my skin, over my ribcage and off to the side around my back. The bruising had come out fully now. I didn't want to see what my face looked like. I already knew that me going out to the outside world was out of the question for a few days until the bruising died down and I could get away with it.

Limping into the kitchen I flicked the kettle on and shivered slightly in the now cold house. Folding my arms over my chest I waited for the kettle to boil. My whole body ached, every part of me felt stiff and sore. Then again, every part of me was bruised, covered in dark black and purple marks.

He was always careful not to mark my face if he knew I had to go anywhere or if I was heading back into work the following day, but this time he had marked my face, this time it was there for the whole world to see in its fucking glory. Theses marks would take close on a week to go before I can leave the house and not be asked questions. He had timed it right. Fucking perfect down to the fucking minute. A week off from work, meant a week free from being out in public, it meant he could have fun and not hold back and that's just what he did.

As the water boiled in the kettle I decided I would take a bath to try and relax my body, while I waited for Jacob to return home. No doubt his mood would be bad, hungover from his night of drinking Cider and Snakebites. They might even have pushed the boot out and smoked weed, just the pair of them in a darkened room with their music playing as loud as possible.

Taking the hot mug of coffee I slowly walked down the hallway and towards the stairs. I winced taking in hard ragged breaths as I climbed the stairs. My hips were killing me, lifting my legs up just to a few inches so I could move onto the next step was murder. By the time I reached the top of the stairs the tears were pouring down my face. I felt so useless. How had I allowed this to happen to myself? How had I let it carry on for all these years, taking beating after beating and being pulled down to nothing?

I had always thought that I would never stand for it, that I would fight back and I would be out the door. That was before it happened. It's the same thought process that every fucker on the whole fucking planet thinks, but when it happens? When that person you love so much does it to you, you're powerless to do anything about it other than curl up and take it. It's easier to take it than to fight back. Fighting back makes it worse, ten times worse.

The water slowly filled the bath as I carefully undressed myself. I paid careful attention not to look at myself in the mirror, seeing the marks looking down was bad enough. I didn't want the full scale in the mirror. Taking a sip of my coffee I turned the taps off and climbed into the hot water. I winced and groaned as I stepped in and sat down, laying down in the bath the hot water covered my sore aching body. I felt it burn my skin before it numbed and sank through to my muscles.

I heard the curse outside before the keys went into the door and it opened. He was home, my not so loving husband had remembered where he actually lived.

"Jazz?" I heard him shout. Taking in a deep breath I pulled my act together, if he saw me in tears it could lead to more and I doubted my body could take another beating so soon.

"Baby?" He called again as his footsteps made their way up the stairs.

"I'm in the bath." I called back as my voice broke slightly. Clearing my throat I turned my head towards the door, I waited for his face to pop round the door.

"Hey babe." He smiled and walked in. Well he seems to be in a good mood for someone who normally should be hungover. "Jazz, babe...... your face." _My face? My fucking face? Try my whole fucking body, Jacob!_

"I'm okay." I lied. "It's not as bad as it looks." I lied again. "Did you have fun last night?" Like I care.

He touched my wet hair so softly while looking at me with his big loving brown eyes, and again I saw the man I feel in love with. "I'm sorry. You know yesterday could have been avoided, if you had only done as I asked. Then this." His eyes ran down my body and I felt sick. "Would never have happened."

"I know and I'm sorry." Always my fault, never his, never anyone else's but mine. The sick twisted thing about it was I would actually believe him. He would continue to give me these lines of if this and if that until he breaks through that layer that makes me question. It becomes to a point where you don't know what were lies and what weren't. It all blends together, all of it.

"Well, it doesn't matter right now. I'm nipping into town with Spike for a bit so I'm gonna get changed and go, okay?" He flashed a grin, a grin that pushed button's.

"Now?" I asked, almost demanding. His eyes flashed at me slightly before he took a deep breath and calmed himself down.

"Yeah, Spike's waiting outside in the car." He told me as though I should be happy by this little piece of information, as though this was fucking normal! If Spike was gay I would wonder if they were having it off considering he spends more time with him than he does with me.

"You were with him all last night! Can't you just stay here with me? Please?" Everything happened so fast, I never saw him move.

Water shot up my nose as my head was pushed under water, his hands were wrapped tightly around my already sore neck holding me in place. Instinctively my feet pushed against the bottom of bath trying to push myself out of the water, my hands gripped his wrists trying to get him off me. I couldn't breathe, the thought ran though my mind that this was how I was going to die. Battered and bruised in a bathtub full of water at the young age of twenty-three.

I gasped, sucking in large amounts of air into my burning lungs. My eyes stung as I coughed hard feeling the water in my lungs. Jacob's face was inches from mine, blazing in anger as he released his grip enough for me to be able to breath.

"Listen, if I wanted to stay in with you I would, but staying in with you is boring. Don't fucking bitch and moan about me going out, understand?" I didn't answer, I couldn't. My eyes just stared at his seeing a completely different man in front of me. He smashed my head back against the hard tiled wall, I closed my eyes as the pain shot through me. "Understand?" He growled at me, spitting in my face as he spoke. I nodded knowing there was no point in arguing with him. It was boring to be with me after all.

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_Sooo...... I'm going to go and crawl under a rock and hope that you guys review._

_Jen x  
_


	2. Eyes To The Floor

**_AN/_**_ I am blown away by the number of reviews and deeply sadded that so many of you have gone through or know someone who has lived through this before. Its a fucking nasty world sometimes, and I hope that I don't bring up and nasty memories for any of you. _

_Thank you so much for reviewing I have been so nervous about this this story to have it received this way means so much. Again a massive thank you to my beta who keeps me fucking sane when I go off the rails. _

_I know a lot of you are wondering how long Jasper will be in this relationship for, well I will tell you that there were will only be a few chapters of the relationship before Jasper breaks out. I brought you guys in right at the end of it. _

_Also I do want to clear something up, no one has mentioned this but I do want to point out that the legal of consent in the UK is 16. We leave school at that age and there for get classed as a young adult, so Jasper being in a relationship at almost 17 with a 21 year old is not frowned upon. _

_I did update Right There yesterday but FFn was on total fail....again. If you haven't read it go check it out and drop a review, what's a few minutes out of your time? _

_Here's chapter 2!  
_

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_**JPOV**_

__  
_I felt happy, so unbelievably beautifully happy. I felt loved, I felt safe and secure in these big strong arms that were wrapped so carefully around me. I knew these arms wouldn't hurt me, somehow I knew that these arms would sooner love me than ever bring me pain, the thought made me smile._

_The scent that I could smell I knew so well as it lavished over me. "I love you." The words that fell from his lips rang so true, I believed every single word._

"What do you keep smiling about?" Jacob's voice cut through me and brought me back to reality, back to my living hell. My eyes opened confirming that my wonderful dream was just in fact that, a dream. A nightmare really, your mind makes it seem so real that when you wake from it you're plunged into a state of longing. You wish and hope against everything that it will be true, that you will open your eyes and see the faceless man that your dreams make up. That you won't see the man that makes your life a living breathing hell.

"I was dreaming." I rolled onto my back pulling the covers with me as Jacob rolled onto his side.

"About me?" He asked as his fingertips touched my abs. I wanted to laugh and tell him he was insane and ask why the hell would I want to dream about the fucking hell he makes me live in?

Of course telling him that would lead to a fight, the fight could lead to me becoming his personal punching bag, so I lied "Always." He chuckled and placed a kiss on the side of my left cheek. "What time are we going out tonight?" I asked as Jacob continued to run his fingertips over over my abs in a backwards forwards motion.

I wanted him to stop, for him to get his hands off me, to tell him his touch makes my skin crawl so much I feel like clawing off my skin with my own fingernails. Jacob pushed his body closer to me making it clear what he was after, something I wasn't interested in, something that made me sick to think of. How that had changed. I once couldn't get enough of him, was always ready to have him over and over again. Now I only wanted him when I was drunk. When I had downed so much and got myself into a drunken horny state did I want him, but me getting drunk was few and far between. That meant that ninety-nine percent of the time I wasn't in the mood and I wasn't enjoying it, I was just letting him get off.

"About sevenish, come suck us off." I made no attempt to move, I didn't want to nor had I any intention of getting him off right now. "Jazz." He whispered in my ear placing kisses on my neck, I shivered and I felt Jacob's lips curve into a smile on my neck. He actually thought my shiver was from pleasure, that I enjoyed his touches. I hadn't enjoyed them in so long, I hadn't actually gotten off by him in months.

"My throat is a little sore, Jake." He sighed loudly and stopped his movements. Of course I was lying and if he found out there would be hell to pay for denying him his pleasure, but I was willing to take the gamble.

In a weird twisted sort of way lying about my throat was hardly ever questioned by him. I was lucky in one sense that I did suffer from tonsillitis at least once a year and if I got a cold you could bet a pound to a penny that I would get a sore throat. He knew this and I think this was why he never questioned it, how fucking thoughtful of him.

"Oh, playing up again? The doctor should really see about you having them out." It sounded so loving of him, so caring, but he was only thinking of himself. Removing my tonsils would mean I wouldn't suffer the way I do now, which meant I wouldn't have my excuses anymore.

"Yeah, I'll have to go back, but you know what he said last time. It'll be alright I reckon, I just need a hot drink that's all." I smiled weekly while he looked at me trying to work out if I was lying about my throat or not. "Drink?" I asked trying to get him to stop thinking about it and move onto something else.

"Jasper?" He asked as I got out of bed and pulled up a pair of PJ bottoms. I turned to look at him, now lying on his side looking at me, his now short black hair was a mess from sleeping.

"Hmm?" I responded as I pulled a Tee over my head before looking back at him. He held his hand out to me suddenly looking at me with sad brown eyes.

"I love you, Jasper." _You love control. _"I'm sorry for all the shit I have put you through." _I feel slightly guilty, but if you learned your place then it wouldn't happen. _"Know that, right?" _I know you love control and power._ Nothing was ever what it seemed, nothing.

A few years back his words of love would have made me smile, they would have made me hug him and kiss him and tell him just how much I loved him, but that was then. That was before I realised that his words were empty and that no matter how many times he told me he was sorry or told me he loved me, he didn't truly mean it. He just loved control.

"Yeah, I know." Leaving Jacob lying on the bed I headed downstairs and into the kitchen knowing he would soon be following me and he would expect his tea waiting for him.

It had been three weeks since Jacob last lashed out, three weeks of being somewhat pain free. My body didn't hurt anymore, the bruises had faded and gone, the cuts had scabbed up and fallen off, but the pain inside, the emotional and mental pain was still there. Still hitting me with every thought of him turning from the most perfect man I had met into a fucking monster. Sometimes it almost felt like there was never any abuse, it was like I forgot. We would talk and laugh with each other maybe even cuddle up together on the sofa and for those few short hours I would see a little glimpse of what it would be like to not live in fear, to not be with someone who hits me. But those few hours were short and few and far between.

The slightest thing would trigger him off, would make him snap at me and pull me down. Words were just as effective as his punches were. His words would cut through me and make me feel worthless, embedding itself in my brain that this was the best I could get.

Staying out of his way for most of the day was my best plan. I didn't need to do something that would trigger him off before we went out, it would only result in us falling out and me at the end of his fist. Even if I chose to stay out of his way this didn't guarantee a smooth-sailing night by any means, but it would help in moving it towards a somewhat peaceful night that might just result in his words and not his fist. I didn't want to go tonight, a night of blending into the shadows was what was in store for me. The fear of being noticed by anyone ran through my veins bringing up my guard and reminding me that I had to be the person I was meant to be when we were out, play by the rules and I wouldn't get hurt.

I played by the rules, but still it didn't stop. I was trapped in this hell with no way of getting out of it, no way of finding out just who I really was now. My friends that I once had were all but gone, only a few remained. The ones I had known since my childhood were still around, though I hardly ever saw them. Being with friends was a no, no.

Friends could find out his, our, dirty little secret. They might see the marks, I might tell them and they might just try and help me out of the hell I live in, this isn't part of the game plan. It's against the rules for people to know, it would shatter the whole image he had created of being the world's best partner. Seeing my friends ran on his terms, if I was happy and relaxed with no markings on me then by all means I could go, but I had to be back by a certain time. I couldn't be out all night, that would only result in him beating me for making him worried, the rule of double standards was certainly in play.

Showering and heading into the bedroom I saw Jacob standing there with just a pair of trousers on. His dark russet skin covered his muscular back and chest. I had loved the sight of him when we met, the tight muscles that covered his stomach giving him a well-defined six pack which resembled a washboard. I loved running my fingertips over it, my tongue feeling every dip of his abs while tasting his skin. I was so unbelievably in love with him back then that I couldn't believe that someone so good looking, so hot, could possibly want me. I had actually wanted to show him off at one point, show this god off to my friends for them to see that someone so perfect as him wanted me. Now I just hated him, I hated the way he looked, the way his skin and muscles felt underneath my fingertips. He was designed to perfection and designed to destroy.

"Wear these." Jacob said handing me a pair of black trousers and a white crisp shirt that had a slight pattern embedded into the white cotton. Taking them off him I looked at the trousers.

"These don't fit, they're to big." He smirked and put his arms through the dark dark purple shirt leaving it unbuttoned and walking to me. He took the trousers off me and held them up.

"These don't hug that pert ass of yours." _No, I look like I don't have an ass in them._ I thought to myself knowing that was why he wanted me to wear them. "Jasper, you're mine, my husband. I don't want some guy grabbing your ass tonight, or some woman, so just put them on and let's not hear anymore of it." I felt like I was child being told off by my father, the same line I heard thousands of times when I was a boy, 'let's not hear anymore of it.' I hated it, hated him speaking to me as though I was nothing but a child to him. I might be a few years younger but at twenty-three I wasn't a child.

"Fine." I mumbled taking the trousers off him which earned me a kiss on my cheek for being a good boy and doing as I was told.

He watched and I pulled on the over-sized trousers that hung off me and fastened a belt around my waist. He continued to watch as I pulled on the white shirt buttoning the buttons up just leaving the last few undone showing just a bit of my sun-kissed chest off. Jacob shook his head, pointing his finger at the open buttons. I sighed and buttoned another one before waiting to see if I got the all clear from him. Everything I wore had to be approved by Jacob. He had to make sure that while I could look somewhat nice, I couldn't look too good looking as that could catch someone's attention and draw them towards me.

Jacob was insanely jealous, jealous over the smallest of things. I had noticed his jealous side about six months into our relationship, we had gone a local bar for a few drinks to chill out and relax. Jacob had disappeared off to the loos while I headed over to the bar to buy another round of drinks. The process always made me smile, I wasn't even eighteen yet. I shouldn't be drinking, let alone buying it, but it added to the thrill of being out. The bartender was friendly and chatty, he had noticed me and Jacob huddled tightly together in the corner making out. The guy must have been in his late twenties, good looking, but nowhere near as good looking as Jacob had been in my eyes at the time. The bar was currently launching a new drink and he had asked me if I was willing to try it and give some feedback on it, the talk had been about nothing other than this new drink that was plastered all over the place. Jacob had seen us talking and laughing about why they had to make the alcopop purple. Jacob had gotten the wrong end of the stick and walked out the bar, sending me a text message that stated to get my ass outside of that bar if I wanted our relationship to continue.

Looking back now I wish I had stayed, but I didn't. I still found it hard to believe that he would want someone as unattractive as me, let alone love me like he had claimed. Of course I ran out the bar and towards Jacob, hoping that my relationship with this god wasn't going to end.

"Perfect." Jacob grinned giving me the once over. "The hair....." He pouted his lips thinking about it. "You know I think you should tie it back." Inwardly I groaned. I hated tying it back, but this wasn't about what I wanted, or what I liked, everything was about what he wanted.

"Okay." I didn't argue, I simply did as I was told and tied it back before grabbing my shoes and putting them on. Jacob styled and restyled his hair in the mirror until he had it just right, he wanted to look good for tonight. Tonight was all about him, we were celebrating his birthday, which wasn't for another three days yet, but we just had to go out into town the weekend before. We just had to see his fucking mates, we just had to do what he wanted.

"Can you believe you're almost twenty-eight?" I asked as we walked out the front door in the late summer's evening. Jacob snorted behind me, I turned slightly and smirked, flicking my tongue against my teeth. His arms wrapped around my waist.

"I'm not old, babe. You still love me, right?" I smiled and rested my head back against his shoulder for a moment before turning my head and giving him a kiss.

"Yes." And at that moment I did. At that very moment Jacob was the man I had fallen in love with all those years ago, the man I had wanted to spend all the days of my life with.

Right now at this moment in time I could forget all the cruel hateful things he said, all the beatings I took, right now I had the man I loved back. In the back of my mind I knew I was settling for what I had with Jacob. I still believed I wasn't good enough for anything else, still believed that this was all I could get, and the thought of ever trying to leave scared the crap out of me. What would he actually do if I left? He would kill me, I was pretty sure he would blow a gasket at me and kill me with his own two hands.

Getting into the taxi, my eyes took up their normal place of staring at the ground. This was something that I learnt early on to do, my eyes must not make contact with anyone else's. If he saw me looking out the window, just randomly looking he would go off on one. Jacob was convinced I fancied other men, that I was always looking for someone else to fuck. He didn't seem to understand that he was the only guy I had been with and I wasn't about to go and whore myself out. The arguments and tears I had shed in the past just made me look to the floor and that fight would be left alone, well for the time being anyway.

At first I hated it, hated having to just look to the floor to avoid any sort of fall out but over time I got used to it. Over time it became second nature to me to just drop my eyes and try and become as invisible as possible. My stomach turned and twisted while we headed into town, I sat with my eyes to the floor thinking about everything I had to do just to keep him happy. If I was lucky enough I could get through the night and have an almost relatively good night, they did happen once or twice in the year. Those were the nights I could actually just be me, or who I thought I was, where he would look at me with nothing but love in his eyes. He would be all over me, holding me close to him, being so gentle with me, whispering words of his love in my ear and for that night I would fall in love with him all over again.

The bar was already filling up as we entered. Jacob gripped my hand tightly pulling me with him towards a group of his friends that were sitting around a table. Jacob grinned widely and pointed to the bar, dragging me along with him.

"What you drinking, precious?" He smiled at me as I lifted my eyes just a bit to look at him, any higher and he would think I was looking at someone. I shrugged and looked at the bottles of spirits the bar sold. Drinking beer or lager wasn't my thing, I didn't mind cider as long as it was a good quality and not some cheap shit that Jacob seemed to drink with his mates.

"Umm Bacardi and coke." Jacob snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

"Cider it is then." He grinned at me and placed the order. I guess I should have known better then to tell him what I wanted, he would decide what I was drinking until he got to a state himself where he didn't care.

As the evening wore on I stayed out on the sidelines looking in. If I spoke and joined in to their talks Jacob would shoot me down and embarrass me for it. He would easily laugh at me for joining in and do his level best to belittle me in front of everyone. In the years we had been together my confidence had been shattered over and over again, a lot of people just thought I was weird. I would look and be closed off for fear of being rejected by these people, these people who meant nothing to me, but could so easily just laugh at me.

If I was spoken to I would answer, my answers normally seemed riddled and uneasy which normally made that person stop speaking to me. I wanted to be liked and I wanted to have friends but my lack of confidence just destroyed all of that, Jacob had destroyed it. But, yet I clung to him as though my life depended on it, as though I couldn't stand on my own two feet, truth is I didn't think I could.

Jacob very quickly became drunk as he moved away from beer and started drinking double Jack Daniels and coke. I hated him drinking that stuff, it would easily send him into a foul mood. I hated the way it smelt in the glass, the way it lingered on his breath, the taste it had on his tongue when we kissed. I watched from the side of the railings as Jacob happily danced with some guy on the dance floor, grinding into the back of this guy's ass completely unaware that I was watching him.

My heart plummeted to the floor and shattered all over again. He didn't care that his husband was standing here alone, he didn't care that his husband was watching him flirt with this guy. Part of me wanted to go over to them and drag him off, part of me wanted to give him the pasting I would have taken if that was me, but the larger part of me had just accepted that this was how it was. He had told me before that he would cheat on me, in a rage one night he admitted that if it came along he would happily fuck it, despite what I feel or the fact that he was meant to be in committed relationship with me was just something that didn't occur to him.

He moved away from the guy and headed towards where I was standing, he had caught me looking. The look on his face was murderous as he grew closer and closer to me. I knew he wouldn't do anything here, too many people around. He knew the club wasn't the best place to kick off, the CCTV would capture it all. That could be used against him if I pressed charges though I never would, it wouldn't be worth the hell I would get for it. The club was also crawling with bouncers, and Jacob wouldn't think twice about picking a fight with one of them if need be. He had been in court for fighting more times than I cared to remember. He narrowly escaped a jail sentence after stabbing a guy in the shoulder in a fight, the only thing that got him off was they couldn't find the weapon to prove he had used it. There was no CCTV around and the only people that were around when it happened was me and his mum, we both lied and covered his tracks.

He snaked his arm around my waist gripping onto my side painfully. Pushing his fingers deep into my skin, I went to gasp in pain as he gripped the tender flesh of my side, but Jacob squeezed even tighter letting me know that he was well aware that he was hurting me and for me not to make a single sound.

"Who were you looking at?" He sneered in my ear before his eyes scanned the floor. To the outside world he just looked like he was being nice and loving to me, holding me closely to him while he whispered sweet words in my ear, if only they knew just what he was saying and how much pain he was causing me. My eyes pricked with tears as his grip tightened on me. "I saw you looking, Jasper. Which one was it?" I shuddered as his breath fanned across my face, the sweet smell of JD and coke making me feel sick.

"I was looking at you dancing with that guy." I croaked out with a shaky voice bringing my tear-filled eyes to the floor again.

"Jasper." He growled in my ear. "I'm out celebrating my birthday, if I want to dance with another guy I will do." I nodded. "He might end up being a better fuck than you." I sucked in a shaky breath willing myself not to cry, it would only push him in the wrong direction.

Jacob let go of me and I breathed a sigh of relief happy to have his hand off my side. Jacob began to walk back toward the dance floor as I turned round to walk the other way and head off to the loos. As I turned a guy with a full pint crashed into me sending his pint down my shirt, effectively wetting it through.

"Shit, man, I'm sorry." He said. My mouth hung open feeling the cold beer soak through to my skin and the wet cotton to cling to me.

"It's..... i'ts okay." I mumbled out lifting my eyes slightly before realising that Jacob was on his way over to me. _Fuck!_ I thought to myself as Jacob was upon us, his face covered in anger.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Jacob demanded grabbing hold of my elbow and pulling me back to him while squaring up to the guy. "Was this your plan to get my husband in bed? Pour your pint over him?" Jacob edged closer to this guy.

"Jacob, please just leave it. It was an accident." I began to pull Jacob away and out of the club while he threw abuse at the guy. All the time I just kept thinking I had to get him out, to get him home hoping that once we got home he may just want to go bed and sleep it off. My heart was beating faster and faster in my chest as we hit the now cool night air, Jacob's mood didn't move.

Almost growling at passers by we walked towards the town square to get a taxi back home. Jacob muttered and cursed under his breath. All the time I kept I quiet, I never made a single sound as I followed him to the taxi ranks, but even that was too much for Jacob. Stopping sharply he turned on his heel to face me, the rage rolled off him in waves as he moved closer to me. Gripping me by the throat he forced me hard against a glass window of one of the shops.

"Just what the fuck is with you?" He growled. "You were trying it on with him, weren't you? WEREN'T YOU?" He screamed in my face. I was aware of people walking past looking at the scene that was happening just a few feet away from them.

"No.... Jacob, I didn't do anything." He threw me to the ground and stood over me. I knew better than to try to move and get back up, he would put me back down again. So I stayed, I laid on my side on the dirty street waiting for him to stop yelling at me and start to walk away.

"You never fucking do, do you? It's never your fault." He yelled laying the boots into my ribs. "You should be fucking thankful you're with me, look at you! No one will ever go anywhere near someone as thick and as ugly as you. If you think that another man out there may fucking want you then off you go, but I can assure you that you will live your life alone." He sneered before walking away and heading towards the taxi ranks.

Tears fell down my face as I pulled myself up off the cold street. A few people had stopped to watch the scene unfold, I looked slightly, hardly lifting my eyes and saw them laughing. It must be funny to see another human being belittled and embarrassed by another like this. I knew why people didn't get involve when it happened on the street, people were scared of what might happen and how nasty things might get, but to stand and laugh?

But then again I was useless and worthless.

Moving quickly away and in the direction Jacob took off, I tried to keep myself in check. The pain in my ribs was making it hard to breathe as I rounded the corner onto the square. I saw Jacob standing there, his arms folded across his chest staring at me as I held my side walking towards him. I looked to the ground, the last thing I wanted was for him to see me looking around and to push him even more than he already was.

"Look at the state of you." He said in a short sharp tone. "You're fucking crying and making a scene. Fucking stop it, right now." He took my elbow and marched me towards the taxi.

"Sorry." I mumbled as I got in the taxi. Jacob didn't respond, he shot me a dirty look and told the driver our address.

My eyes closed letting my head fall back against the back seat. Going back in the taxi was always easier, I could just close my eyes and make out I was tired instead of keeping my eyes to the floor. His words continued to run around my head as we rode back home.

_"Look at the state of you." _

"_No one will ever want you."_

_"Thick and ugly." _

They tore around my head ripping through me and tearing my heart to pieces. This wasn't the life I had wanted, I wanted to be loved. That's all. I wasn't looking for money, or fame or anything else, just someone who would love me. It seemed so much to ask for, just to be happy and not live in fear. Sometimes I dreamed so much of getting out, leaving him and finding someone else, someone who would love me and never hurt me. I smiled slightly at that thought, though I knew my daydreams got me carried away and I had to come to reality it was nice to dream. Jacob snorted slightly next to me and I realised how right he was.

Who would want me? I'd been in this relationship since I was sixteen, almost seventeen years of age. I knew nothing else, I had never experienced the other side of a relationship where you do and spend your time together, this was all I knew. If I got away from this how would I function in another relationship? If I ever meet anyone else and I told them about my past they would surely laugh at me for putting up with it as long as I have done. But who am I kidding, even if I ever broke away, I would end up alone and unloved. I may be unloved, but at least I was not alone.

The taxi pulled up outside our house, Jacob was out the door slamming it shut before the driver could put the hand break on. I paid the driver and walked up our path, the front door was left open as the hallway light flickered on. No sooner had the front door closed behind me his music kicked in. The sounds of his underground hip hop came at me at full force. I cringed knowing the next door had two young babies and wouldn't want them woken up. Jacob didn't care, he didn't give a fucking shit if he woke the whole fucking road up, he wasn't the one that had to face the neighbours.

I walked into the the living room seeing Jacob already sitting on the floor getting ready to build up, his fiery eyes looked at me as I unbuttoned my damp stinking shirt. I paid little attention to Jacob standing off the wooden floor undoing his belt, I simply figured he wanted to relax a little more. Sliding the shirt down my arms I looked at my now bruised ribs from where he had kicked me on the street. I touched them lightly wincing slightly and screwing my face up.

"Looks sore." Jacob suddenly said standing right next to me. He touched the bruising gently letting out a gentle sigh, I tried to relax with him standing so close after what had happened, but I was failing at doing that.

"It is." All the self-pity in my voice, I wanted him to see the marks he had caused me. Somewhere deep in my mind I thought it might make him feel bad.

"Well maybe next time you won't try out for some wet T-shirt competition." My eyes closed for a second, just one second while I pushed my tears and thoughts away, but that second was all it took.

The belt that was in his hand whipped across my back, hard. I feel to my knees screaming in pain as the leather belt slashed across my back repeatedly. "Jacob.... please." I begged feeling my back burn and sting. All I wanted was for the pain to end, the whipping to stop. I prayed he would get bored, I prayed he would suddenly see what he was doing and I prayed that I would hurry up and die.

The tears ran midway down my cheeks before falling onto the floor. I stayed on my hands and knees knowing there was no point in even trying to move and run, he would only get to me to before I reached the bathroom. The belt in his hand could stretch that couple of inches stopping me in my tracks. He repeatedly whipped me until I felt the warm trickle of blood run from the open wounds, the pain began to subside and my back turned numb.

I heard the metal buckle hit the floor followed by his hand gripping tightly onto my hair pulling my tear-soaked face back towards him. "You fucking disgust me." He seethed. "I should have never married such a complete fuck up like you."

"Why did you then?" I asked holding the back of his hand which was in my hair and sitting back on my heels.

"Because I felt fucking sorry for you." He spat. "Look at you, you're fucking ugly. I did you a fucking favour by marrying you." He pushed my head away, hard.

Holding my back I moved slowly away from him, not far enough mind you. His foot crashed down on my back forcing me to the floor, I screamed again as his boot stayed pressed to the cold wooden floor.

"When I married you I thought you might change, thought you might stop being a moaning little bitch who just wanted to control me." His words cut through me like a hot knife through butter. Who was I asking for control by wanting him to spend to me?

"I hoped that you might sort your appearance out, but that didn't happen. Instead you stayed this ugly little fucker that whines in my ear all fucking day long." He removed his foot off, my back but I didn't move, I wouldn't move now until he moved away from me.

"Don't come to bed tonight. I don't want you and your fucking disgusting body anywhere fucking near me, you understand?" A small cry left my lips as I nodded my head. "Come to bed and I will kill you." The determination in his voice scared the shit out of me.

I stayed on the floor as I heard him walk over me and turn off his music before crossing back over and walking up the stairs. The bedroom door closed shut with a click, it was only then that I pulled my up from lying flat on the floor. I wrapped my arms around my knees burying my face on my forearms. It was then I broke down sobbing uncontrollably, rocking backwards backwards and forwards.

The tears fell and fell. I cried because of how my life had turned out, I cried because I wasn't strong enough to break away, I cried because this was how my life was going to be forevermore. That I would never feel real love, I would never look into my lover's eyes and see nothing but love and devotion pooling in them. That I would never feel safe wrapped in my lover's arms, that I could turn to them and know they would protect me and never hurt me.

I had never done anything wrong in my life, but for some unknown reason to me I was the center of every bullies attention, from school to my adult life, I was torn apart over and over again. This was all I could get, sitting on the cold wooden floor with blood running down my back I realised I would never get out.

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_I went more into the mental abuse that happens in this chapter, I hope I didn't make you all cry to much but this is a sad fact of life._

_Please hit the review button my lovely and send some love, Jen x  
_


	3. Live Or Die

**_AN/_**_ I am completely blown away by the sheer number of reviews for just two chapters, (not that I'm complaining) Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed the last two chapters, who have added this into there faves and put it on alert. It means so much to me to see all the love from such a hard story to both read and write. _

_A big thank you to my beta Amy for doing her thing and working through the chapter with me. _

_Some of you may have heard but FFn is pulling down a lot of stories for breaking the rules, of course panic has gone through FFn since we first heard and most authors are backing up there work just incase they get pulled. I have begun moving Broken Dreams and Beautiful Nightmare over to Blogger, just to be on the safe side, I will still continue to post and update on here until I get told I can't (lets hope that doesn't happen) but if you want the link to my blog it is on my profile and it will be at the bottom of this page._

_Charpter 3  
_

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_**JPOV**_

__My back was pressed hard against the bathroom door as I sat on the cold tiled floor. Jacob had been outside the bathroom door for what I would guess is the last ten minutes trying to break the door down.

Blood poured down my face from my nose that had been slammed against the front door when we got in. His fingers had gripped tightly into the back of my hair as he pulled me back down the hallway and towards the stairs. He made an error, one tiny error, and I broke free, bolting for the bathroom as though my ass was on fire. I don't even know what caused it, what had happened during the night for him to suddenly act this way towards me. Although he didn't need a reason to attack me, just breathing was enough to send him over the edge and lash out.

"You better hope and pray to god that this door stays intact." He screamed at me through the door while slamming his fist hard against it. "I will fucking kill you!" He growled at me. The tears ran down my face while I listened to him.

Why did he hate me so much? What had I ever done to get this sort of treatment and abuse from him? I had done everything he had ever asked of me, treated him how I thought you should treat a partner, but yet he still hated me. He still continued to beat me and make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. Maybe I was worthless, that didn't mean I needed to be treated this way, did it?

Wiping my nose on the back of my hand I saw the blood which made me cry harder. My life was reduced to living in fear, to hiding away in the bathroom where he couldn't get to me. I no longer even felt safe in my own home, the cold dark streets felt safer than here, shark-infested waters were a better choice than the house that I lived in, yet I stayed. The fear of being on my own held me back to him, kept me here in the pain and darkness that I lived in. I didn't see daylight, I didn't see love, I saw pain and torture and nothing else.

His music suddenly filled the house at its near deafening volume. Why he needed it to be this loud I just didn't understand, I gave up trying to understand the way his mind worked years ago. Hearing the music allowed me to breathe a little more easily. He had moved away from the door, he had given up trying to get to me and was not sitting in waiting for me to come out. I had played this game a few times with him, his snapping at me and me running for the bathroom. I knew if I went out there he would just attack, he always did, so I stayed put in the bathroom, safe for the time-being.

We had been at his parents tonight, they had their yearly Christmas party, the same party they held every single year. It was just family, a chance to meet up and have a good time, to drink and eat and relax. This night was normally a safe night for me, I had free roam for one night of the year where I didn't have to tread carefully around him. His eyes wouldn't watch me all night as the only people around us was his family, but something had happened tonight, something was said or I did something that had resulted in this.

Playing the events over in my mind I couldn't pinpoint what it might have been. I was always careful about what I said, I still made sure that even though I had free reign I didn't overstep any marks.

Jacob didn't need a reason to hit me, he didn't need to have heard something or seen something. He chose to hit me when he felt like it, when he wanted to feel his control over me. He needed this to make him feel good, powerful, maybe even to feel like a man. How do you hit the one person you claim that you love? How do you just lash out and reduce them to nothing on the floor when you chose to live your life with them? I didn't understand it, nor did I want to now.

Picking myself up off the floor I looked in the bathroom mirror, the blood was beginning to dry, and swelling had started causing the underneath part of my eyes to go puffy. The bruising would be up by morning and my family would see. I guess he had forgotten that, or he hoped I wouldn't go, either way they would see the damage and it would mean me having to cover for him, to create a lie just so no one knows the truth. Our dirty little secret could be safe once more.

Washing the dried blood off my face I sat back on the floor and waited. These nights seemed the longest, the nights where I would stay in here all night long until the sun came up, too afraid to leave the safety of these four small walls, not man enough to stand up to him and fight back. I wanted to. I wanted him to stop, to be the man I first fell in love with, but I knew I couldn't. I Couldn't stand my ground with him because what I would get would be ten times worse than if I just took the first beating, its was easier this way and the man I once loved was slipping further and further away from me.

The music soon stopped and my back was found pressed against the door once again. My heart started to beat faster as I heard him climb up the stairs towards our bedroom. _Please just go to bed, please just go to bed. _I chanted these words around and around my head. I held my breath for fear he might hear me breathing hard and start this shit again. My eyes closed tightly shut while I tried to picture a happier time in my life, a past memory, or even something I hoped for in the future, though the chances of that ever happening were slim to none.

"Open the door, Jasper." I heard him say, I didn't move or speak. My hand stayed over my mouth stopping any sound from coming out, my heart was beating so widely in my chest I could hear it in my ears. "Jazz...." He sighed "Please, baby, open the door and come out. I wont hurt you." He pleaded.

I knew better than to open the door and let him in or me out, but even now hearing the sadness in his voice pulled at my heart. In some sort of way I still cared for him, not love anymore, but cared for him because of the time we had been together. As he pulled at my heart he broke down my wall of protection to keep myself safe and I unlocked the door.

Opening it slowly I saw Jacob with fresh tears running down his face, I became concerned for him which pissed me off. I shouldn't feel anything for this fucker, the man who beats me until I was black and blue, who reduces me and ridicules me in public, who takes a a belt to me and whips my back until blood runs off my skin and onto the floor. I shouldn't feel a single fucking thing for this man who has made my life hell, but seeing him clearly in pain made me drop my guard I had worked so hard to put in place. My arms went around him and I pulled him closer to me, hugging him and letting him cry on my shoulder, he was after all my husband. I did marry this man and I planned at the time in spending my life with him, I couldn't bear to see him suffer even if he could with me.

"I love you...... Jazz, I love you." He whispered out tightening his grip on me so it became almost painful. This made me feel uncomfortable, I started to question my reason for opening the door and coming out to him. "I'm sorry." I froze. The way he said he was sorry made my skin crawl, there was the tiniest bit of a smirk in there, so small I doubted anyone would have caught it, but I did, then I felt it.

In the inside of his hoodie top pocket was one of the kitchen knives. The outline of it pressed into my stomach, the handle was easily felt through the fabric. Of course there was a chance that it might not have been, but it sure did feel like it, I couldn't let him know I felt it. I couldn't bring it to his attention, I needed to think, to work out my plan of escape. The front door and my car would be the first and safest way to escape, but that would mean getting past him, down the stairs, grabbing my keys, and getting out the door. It was too far and I wasn't sure if the front door had been locked. The bathroom was once again my safe zone, but how do I get to that with him being so close and able to stop the door from closing?

"I know you are, Jake." I soothed trying to hide the fear in my voice and mentally cursing myself for being so stupid. I knew so much better then this, yet he had worked his way into my mind and made it numb. So numb that I no longer saw the danger, that I came out of my safe place and walked right into the devil's arms. My mind was crazy now, I no longer knew what I was doing. I was making mistakes, stupid, foolish mistakes that before I would have never done. I threw away my caution and allowed him to have full control over my mind. In short, I was giving up. I didn't care if I lived or died now, my fight to stay alive was almost over, he was winning.

His fingers gripped into the back of my already sore head, tugging painfully at the roots. "You're mine, Jasper, you need to remember that." In one swift fluid movement I was on my back with Jacob straddling my waist. An evil smirk rested on his lips as I struggled to break free from him. There was a glint in his eye as he pulled the sharp knife out of his pocket and hovered it over my chest.

My eyes went wide, surely he wouldn't actually kill me, would he? "Jacob, please." I pleaded as he placed the knife down and tore my shirt open with his bare hands. He ran the knife over my chest lightly so it didn't actually cut me. He smiled and looked into my eyes holding the knife right over my wildly beating heart.

"Why did I hear you talking about travelling?" He asked in a smug tone. He was loving every second seeing me lying here underneath him scared half to death of what he might just do.

"I was..... just talking." He snorted with a smug smile on his face. He knew I wouldn't even attempt to take the knife off him, all I could do was hope and pray that he was just trying to scare me. Which he was doing..... Very well.

"Look how weak you look right now. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just push this blade through your heart right now and end your sad pathetic life?" He spoke holding so much power, he knew there was nothing I could say here.

He had reduced me down to nothing, to thinking and believing I was worthless and useless, that I was nothing. To him no one would care if I lived or died, no one cared enough to give a fucking shit about me and what I may be going through. This was what he wanted, what he needed to be able to hold his control over me. I never spoke to anyone about what went on. There were many, many reasons for this, but the main one was I didn't want people to think I was looking for pity or sympathy, or that I was just moaning.

"Please.... Jacob..... Please." I sobbed out as the tears ran down my face. _Why did I come out? Why did I fall for his trick? Oh yeah, because I'm a thick bastard who cares way too fucking much!_

A chuckle left Jacobs lips. "Please? You're scum, do you know that? Fucking scum of the earth. People like you shouldn't be around, breathing the same air as me. If you fucking died now the world would carry on as though nothing happened, you mean that little." He sneered at me in his smug tone.

A small cry left my lips as I felt the knife press a little harder into my skin. "Jacob." My voice stuck in my throat and it came out as small croaking whisper which just made him laugh.

"Fucking beg, Jasper!" He ordered. "Beg for your fucking life!" I cried harder, the tears ran down my face, big, fat, hot, salty tears poured out of me. I could hardly breath as I looked up at Jacob through my tears.

He laughed, his evil sickening laugh echoed around the house causing me to shiver uncontrollably underneath him. If he was going to kill me then please just get it over with, just end it all now and let me be in peace.

"Jacob...... Please." I don't think I have ever felt so fucking useless than I did right then. I closed my eyes just praying for it to end, for either my life to end or him to stop. I didn't care which one by this point.

"Killing you would be too easy." He snarled as he got off me. I didn't move, staying frozen in the same place, waiting for him to make his next move. Any sharp sudden movements from me would easily trigger him off again, this I didn't want.

He spun the knife in his hand, making the shiny blade sparkle as the hallway light hit it. My eyes stayed fixed on the blade as I slowly got up. Fear crushed me as I saw Jacob for the dangerous man he actually was. He looked completely different, his eyes carried a hidden glaze to them as though he had been taken over by something. It could be so easy to believe that his actions he was not responsible for, but I knew better than to believe that. My mind might be numb to the point where I was making mistakes, but I still knew the lies he would come out with.

"Do you know who I was with the other night?" My stomach knotted as my head hung low in defeat. "You don't need to know his name." He smirked resting the blade on the side. "A better fuck than you will ever be. I haven't gotten off like that in a very long time, Jasper, and you were not even in my mind while I drilled into him hard." My heart shattered again.

Even though I stopped loving him a long time ago hearing this cut through me. It wasn't the first time he had come out with this and I doubted it would be the last. Jacob loved to tell me his sex was better with others than it was with me. I was sure it was if parties are wanting the same thing. He forgets that when we fuck I was not interested and I was only doing it to get him off, to save myself from another beating because I wouldn't let my husband fuck me. As far as I could tell they were lies, I had never found any proof that he had cheated, though he told me often enough that he had been with other men, I wasn't convinced. It didn't stop the words from hurting and cutting deeply through me.

The back of his hand slammed across my bare chest making me wince. I didn't answer him when he spoke, I didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone you're married to that tells you they have been with someone else? Moving fast I bolted to the bathroom and went to close the door. Just as I had thought Jacob was already there one step ahead of me pushing the door open as I pushed back to close it.

"I'm stronger than you will ever be, Jasper. You may as well just give up now." He screamed pushing harder against the door which sent me flying back before his hands grabbed my neck.

He slammed me back, causing the back of my head to hit the sink, pain raced through me sharply before everything went black and darkness overtook me.

~ooOOoo~

My eyes flickered open as my body was overcome with pain. The coldness of the bathroom floor made me shiver as I gathered my bearings. The daylight was creeping through the bathroom window as I sat up and looked at the tiled floor to see my dried blood covering it, my hand went to the back of my head feeling the sticky blood that covered my blonde locks. The last thing I remembered from last night was him pushing his way through the door and the pain in the back of my head.

My eyes moved and looked to the sink, sure enough there was my blood on there from my head smacking against it, knocking me out. My eyes closed as I fought hard not to cry, he just left me where I fell. He didn't care if I fucking died from a head injury, not a single care or thought went to me when he knocked me out, bled from the back of my head.

Standing I closed the bathroom door, feeling shaky and slightly weak. I needed to clean up, needed to clean the blood off the floor and the blood off my own body. He wouldn't do it, he would wake and act as though leaving me knocked out on the bathroom floor was the most normal thing in the world to do, maybe in his eyes it was.

Opening the cupboard that was under the sink I pulled out the cleaning spray and a cloth. Running the tap I soaked the cloth through before spraying the floor where the blood was. I should mop it, but right now I didn't have the energy to go downstairs and sort out the mop and bucket, this would have to do for now. Spraying the floor I got on my hands and knees and wiped the blood with the wet cloth feeling my head throb painfully, as though my skull was breaking.

Pulling myself slowly off the floor I winced as my body wracked with pain, my back hurt, my face, nose, head, all of me hurt and all of this was because of him. Rinsing the cloth under the tap the water ran red with my blood. My eyes stared at it, fixated to the red coloured waters that filled the sink. I hated him, hated him for not even caring enough to call for help while I lay bleeding and out cold on the floor. I hated him for doing this to me, for making me feel worthless, surely I was worth better than this?

Turning the shower on I removed the rest of my clothes and placed them in the hamper giving the water time to heat up before climbing in. The hot water hit my head and I whimpered slightly as it cleaned out the cut on the back of my head. My eyes saw the pink-red water near my feet as the hot water took the dried blood out of my hair.

The floodgates opened as I carefully washed myself feeling so completely useless and so alone. I was lonely, unbelievably lonely, I craved for someone's attention, for someone to talk to me and actually care about what I was saying. I craved to feel a loving touch that came from someone other than my mother or father. I craved to feel safe in my own home and not to feel scared shitless. I craved for someone just to fucking care for my welfare and whether I was alright or not.

Cutting the shower off I grabbed a towel and dried off, carefully patting the back of my head to remove the moisture out of my hair without causing me too much pain. Wrapping the towel around my waist I went to the sink. I didn't bother to look at my reflection in the mirror, seeing the bruising on my face would only make me feel worse. Brushing my teeth I tried to push the thought away of how much my nose was hurting when I breathed or how my head was thumping painfully hard. Feeling sorry for myself wouldn't take the pain away, it wouldn't get me out of this hell hole, and it certainly wouldn't make him care for me.

Rinsing my mouth out I ran my hand over my stubble. Stubble was something that Jacob hated on me, though he had stubble most of the time, my stubble was one of his pet hates. He could hate it today, I wasn't in the mood to shave just to please him. Why should I when he couldn't give a shit if I was alright or not last night after he knocked me out?

Opening the bathroom door I walked towards our bedroom to get dressed. My stomach turned thinking about seeing him laying in our bed asleep without a single care in the world. Slowly and carefully I opened the door, trying hard not to make too much noise that could wake him from his sleep. As I crept gently into the bedroom I noticed that our bed was empty. Moving quickly I got changed pulling on a pair of jeans and a hoodie before quickly moving down the stairs.

I was eager to find out where he was, whether he stayed here last night or ran off after he knocked me out. Coming down the stairs I stopped dead in my tracks, looking into the open plan living room I saw him spread out on the sofa, his eyes fixed on the TV, sipping his Tea. I sucked in a deep breath before continuing down the stairs. Jacob's head snapped round to me before he got off the sofa and moved towards me. I froze up as his arms wrapped around me.

"God, Jasper, I'm so, so sorry." He whispered in my ear hugging me tightly to him. I wanted him to let me go, I had no intention of hugging him back, in accepting his apology. "Jazz, I thought..... I've been so worried about you all night." I wanted to laugh hearing this. _If you were so worried Jacob you could have called for help, you could have moved me off the bathroom floor. In fact, you could have done a number of things that might have shown that you cared._

"I have to go out." I mumbled breaking away from his embrace and heading towards the kitchen to make a quick drink before I left. I didn't really know what time it was, I hadn't bothered looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table, not that time mattered anyway, my parents wouldn't mind what time I showed up.

"Where are you going?" He asked following me into the kitchen. The disbelief in his voice was so clear, he actually thought that his beating from last night would stop me from going out today.

"You know where, Jake, I did tell you." Making my way over to the fridge to pull the milk out I was aware of his eyes following me. "My parents wanted me to go round today, you declined the offer." I poured the milk into the cup waiting for the kettle to boil.

"They didn't invite me." True, they didn't really invite him this time, it was more of a 'if you must' thing than an actually invite.

Over the last few months my parents attitude towards Jacob had changed. Jacob's lack of responsibility with our finances was starting to have an effect on our life. My parents weren't stupid and knew that things weren't right between us. I didn't know if they suspected him hitting me or just assumed that things were rocky between us, whatever it was they had wanted to see less and less of Jacob.

"They did, in a way. You can't blame them Jacob, you called them every name under the sun." The kettle clicked and poured the hot water into the mug. I could feel Jacob getting closer to me as my body locked up, tightening itself, ready for him to hit me again if that was his plan.

"Precious." He purred in a sweet voice that made my skin crawl. I had to fight the urge to shudder as his breath fanned my neck. "Don't go........ I need to know you're alright." _Do you smell bullshit? I certainly fucking do._

"Jacob you just want me to stay here because of my face, because of what you did last night." Picking up my mug I moved carefully past him and towards the cupboard, pulling out a packet of painkillers. "Hitting me last night hasn't stopped me from going today." I went to head out of the kitchen, but Jacob grabbed my arm.

"Your face." He sneered in my face with a smirk. I smiled, I didn't fucking care what I got for it, if anything. I was past the point to even giving a fucking shit about us now, about what he might do.

"I'll lie Jacob." He sighed as I brushed past him and walked into the living room.

Popping two painkillers in my mouth and swallowing them down with coffee I watched a somber looking Jacob sit down on the other sofa, staring at me with big brown eyes, making me feel completely uncomfortable once again. "Jake...... last night, you held a knife over my heart...... this isn't normal behavior." He snorted at me.

"I wasn't going to kill you, Jasper. I love you, I didn't mean the things I said either. I was just mad at you and wanted to hurt you, but know I would never stab you and end your life. I love you too much." My expression didn't change. How could he say that?

"Jake, you left me bleeding from the head, knocked out on the bathroom floor. I could have fucking died. You didn't do anything other than walk away." His eyes flashed with anger and he burned holes in me.

"I knew you were alright. What are you bitching about? You're alive, aren't you? Or am I now talking to a dead person now?" I just shook my head which I regretted straight away when the pain shot through me again.

"I'll see you soon." I necked the hot coffee, feeling it burn my throat as it went down. "I won't be late." Before he could argue with me I picked up my car keys and headed out the front door, slamming it hard behind me.

The burning in my chest from the hot coffee made me feel a little sick. I shouldn't have necked it down, but I had to get out of there before he wore me down on going to my parents. Climbing into my car I caught sight of my nose. The bruising had come out now, it didn't look too bad other than the swollen shiny skin that covered the purplish tint to the skin. The skin under my eyes looked a little dark thanks to last night's actions, but it was nothing I hadn't had before and nothing I hadn't had to lie about before. My parents would see it, they would notice and they would ask, and I would have to lie. There wasn't any other choice than for me to lie about it. I wasn't ready to come clean to everything, to have everyone know how I had failed in my life, failed in my marriage and how I married the biggest bully on the planet. This was something I didn't want people to know about just yet.

Pulling away from hell I relaxed knowing that for the next few hours I could have some peace in my life, that I wouldn't have to walk on egg shells for a while, I could just be me. That made me smile, the thought of not having to watch what I said, where I looked or who I spoke to. Why couldn't my life always be this way?

The drive to my parents was short, they only lived a few minutes drive away and it took all of ten minutes to walk there, this was something that Jacob hated. He hated that we bought a house so close to where my parents lived, though this only came about after we had bought the house.

Pulling up on the drive my mum opened the door before I even got out the car. I flashed her a smile and cut the engine before stepping out of the car in the cold December weather. My mum frowned at me, I hadn't put a coat on and my hair was still damp, I shrugged walking towards her.

"You'll catch a....... Jasper!" She cried. "What the hell happened to your face?" Her hands were on my face turning my head in all different directions looking at my bruised and swollen nose.

"I tripped, mum, its nothing." I lied, an unbelievable lie and she knew it. I just hoped she wouldn't push the matter anymore and leave it at that.

"No, you didn't. Did he do this? Jasper, tell me, did he?" My mouth opened and closed before I pulled my head away and walked in. She had never actually come out and asked me, no one had, I wasn't sure what to say.

"No." I mumbled putting my keys on the side and heading into the kitchen. "Where's dad?" I asked noticing my father was nowhere to be seen.

"Jasper, where do you think he is? The same place he is this time every Sunday, the pub." Not wanting to look at my mother who was currently burning holes in my back I opened the fridge door not looking for anything really, just something to stop her from questioning. "Jazz..... Please, tell me what happened." I sighed and sat down at the kitchen table, looking at her with my arms folded across my chest.

"Please just leave it, please." The last thing I wanted was to fight with my mother right now, if I wanted to argue I could just go back home to Jacob and argue there.

"You're protecting him." Yeah, I was. I was very defensive over Jacob when pushed and she knew it. We had had countless blowouts over him in the past and every time I protected him no matter what the subject was about. Why should my abuse be any different?

"Jazz, I'm not stupid. I know it's none of my business what goes on inside your home with your husband, but I know something isn't right. I know he caused those marks on your face and nose, I know he caused those marks on your arm a few weeks back. I see it in your eyes, I see my little boy dying inside and it breaks me apart. Please, honey, tell me." I bit my bottom lip to stop the trembles that wanted to break through. I wasn't going to break here, if I did then it all would come out and that couldn't happen.

"It's nothing." My voie shook as my mum raised her eyebrow questioning me, pushing me even more, not believing a single word I said.

She came towards me and pulled out the chair next to me, taking my hands in hers she spoke softly. "It's not the first time, is it?" I shook my head as the tears fell.

"No, I....... I don't know what to do mum. I can't take it anymore, I can't take the life I have with him. The debt were in, or should I say I'm in, all of it.... I just feel so worthless." I sobbed at the end. My mother's arms were wrapped tightly around me while I sobbed on her shoulder, letting it all come out, all the pain and hurt I was feeling, the abuse I had taken at his hands, everything poured out through my tears.

When I calmed myself down enough she let me go and carefully wiped away the tears under my eyes. "How much debt, Jasper?" She asked, I shrugged. I had a fair idea, but I wasn't certain. "How much?" She urged.

"I don't know.... ten grand I reckon." Her eyes closed and she shook her head. Credit card bills had been racked up, most in my name. Loans taken out to pay the cards off, most in my name. With everything we borrowed and paid off we were still no better, the cards only got maxed out again and it left us in a worse state then before.

"Jesus, Jasper." She sighed. "You need to get him out of there, out of that house. You're the one that pours money into it, get him out and do it now." My bottom lip trembled.

"I can't...... I don't know how to." I grumbled as I watched my mother's face. Getting him out wasn't as easy as asking him to just leave. He had spent years grooming me, working on me, he wasn't going to go without a fight, I knew that.

"I'll clear your debt off." She suddenly said, my face must have covered in shock and confusion as she quickly made it more clear. "Get him out of the house. I don't care how you do it, whether it's changing the locks when he is out or lying through your teeth, but get him out and I will clear your debt off, that's the deal." She couldn't be serious, could she?

"You're bribing me?" I became slightly angry that she would have the nerve, the damn cheek to offer me a bribe like this. "You're wanting me to end my marriage over money?" I said defensively.

"Yes." She let go of my hands and looked at me. "Jazz, you're not happy, you have just admitted what he does and that you want out. I'm offering you a lifeline, take it." I shook my head at her, this was my fucking marriage she was wanting me to end.

"No." Standing up from the chair I walked away from her and leant against the kitchen work top. "This is my marriage, mum. I can't believe you are offering me this." I huffed out folding my arms over my chest.

"I know this is your marriage, Jasper, and I know you don't want it to fail on you, but what next? Huh? What will he do next to you? Jasper, you're my son, I know this is hard, I know this is this hardest thing you have ever done, you have been with him since you were sixteen, you know nothing else, but there is a better life out there for you. You're still young, please..... just think about." She pleaded with me.

Rubbing my forehead I sighed. "I'll think about it, alright? But please don't tell dad until after I'm gone, okay?" The last thing I wanted was to sit here all afternoon listening while they both went off on one, tearing my marriage apart.

"I won't. I will need to tell him about the money, but I will wait until you have gone home." I smiled slightly while thinking about it.

My mother didn't say anything else on the matter, and left me to think about it. She never uttered a single word to my father when he turned up and all happy and jolly. She smiled and stayed in a happy mood despite what I told her when I got here. Me, on the other hand, my mood sank further and further down. I did have debt, debt that I doubted I could pay off on my own and the thought of having it cleared off was nice, but not at the end demise of my marriage.

Yeah, I wanted out. Yeah, I hated him, but I knew nothing else. This was all I knew, I had been with Jacob for so long I wondered if I could possibly have the strength to stand on my own two feet, and not be with him anymore? The thought of losing him made my heart break, despite everything, everything he had ever done to me or put me through I would miss him. Maybe not so much him as a person, but miss having someone in the house, having someone next to me in bed or just being able to have someone to call my partner.

Jacob had texted me a few times during the afternoon, every time my phone beeped my mother shot me a sly look. I knew she wanted me to take the offer, to get him out of my life once and for all, but it's not that simple. I couldn't just ask him to leave. He wouldn't go for a start, and Christmas was just under a week away. Even though I was unhappy I didn't want to ruin my Christmas by going through a break up.

Just before five in the evening I left my parents house, I had stayed longer than planned. It felt so good to be able to laugh and joke and just relax without having the constant thought of Jacob looking and watching everything I said and did. Driving back home my mood soon saddened again. Jacob would be pissed, beyond pissed. He had texted and called me a few times and every time I didn't reply. Why should I? He goes out all fucking night and never once answers any text or call I give him, see if he liked his own actions for once.

Before I was even to the front door Jacob opened it. His face was dark and murderous, his black eyes staring at me with pure hate. I stopped in my tracks and waited for him to move out of the doorway. There was no way I was going to go up to him without him moving. "Get in." His voice was low and firm, almost as if he was speaking to a child and not his husband. He moved from the door, turning on his heels and walking away, allowing me to go in.

Sucking in a deep breath I followed, wondering just how he was going to handle this. Broken rules did not sit well with Jacob. "Just where do you think you have been?" He asked in a serious tone. His voice didn't raise as it normally does when he was pissed off, this scared me more than him shouting and screaming at me.

"My parents." I answered looking down at the wooden floor that covered the living room and hallway floor. Jacob clapped loudly, the clap echoed in the house making me flinch slightly.

"I know that, Jasper. What I mean is, just what the fuck were you doing there until this time? I expected you to be home hours ago, not at this hour." He seethed at me. This hour? It was gone five, it wasn't late, but then again I had been out longer than my given time, what else did I expect?

"I was having fun." As the words left my mouth I regretted them, he stood and made his way towards me, slowly. Almost like a hunter stalking his prey, he seemed to move in cold calculated steps, weighing up every single possible outcome before making his move.

"Fun?" He questioned quirking his eyebrow at me. "Well Jasper, considering you like _fun_ so much......" The back of his hand lashed hard across my cheek. My cheek burned after the contact, throbbing and stinging.

I didn't get a chance to really register the slap before he had me on my back on the floor. He straddled my waist and gripped the neck of my hoodie pulling me up slightly before punching me full on in the face. As his fist connected again with my face I began to laugh. I wanted him out, out of my life for good. I just needed to think of a way to get him out.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" He demanded as I laughed again. I was in pain, every punch hurt worse than the one before, but I didn't care. I was either going to get him out or fucking die. The choice was live or die.

"Go on." I urged grinning at him. "Hit me again, do it again." I screamed at him, almost begging for him to do it again. "Go on, Jake, make yourself feel like a fucking man, hit me again." His fist hovered just inches above my face. The shocked expression on his face made me cry with laughter.

"What's the matter, Jake? Where's your control now? Huh?" As crazy as it was I wanted him to hit me, in some weird way I was taking control of him. I had taken his power away by asking him to hit me, by laughing and not caring what happened when he lost control.

"You're fucking nuts." He spoke while getting off me. "There is something seriously wrong with you." I continued to laugh as I felt the warm blood run down my face.

The lifeline, my way out was offered. I was taking it, grabbing it with both hands and not letting go until he was out.

* * *

_Jasper is now setting his plan out to get Jake out of his life, of course that is not as easy as just asking him to leave._

_I wrote my own way of how I got out of the toxic relationship I was in, sometimes a push in the right direction is all you need. _

_Please hit the review button and send some love, Jen x  
_

http :// bdbn . blogspot . com /?zx=d7fd46cc04c8ddcf _Here's the link to my blog, if you want it. _


	4. The Hardest Thing To Do

_**AN/ **Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and everyone who has stuck with the story. I know it has been hard to read, the detailed abuse is hard to stomach but what happened in the last three chapters was important. I needed to give Jasper his backstory for this to make sense and work. I am still unsure with this story, whether I should carry it on or just pull it off FFn, I may write for myself but I like to think that people are reading and are happy with what I write. I know that this story isn't everyones cup of tea and I know some people just love fuff and happy times, most of you know I love my drama :). _

_This is the turning point in the story, its the chapter you have been waiting for, if your still reading it that is. From here on in it does get easier to read, though I can't promise there won't be hard points in the story as it moves along. _

_I hope you like this chapter and it makes you want to continue reading it._

_Here's chapter 4  
_

* * *

_**JPOV**_

My mind had battled over the last few days. Every day I flicked between wanting my marriage to work and getting out of it once and for all. Deep down I knew that no matter how I tried to make my marriage work it wouldn't get any better, maybe for a few days, a week maybe, and if I was really lucky it would be a month, but after that it would go back to how it was, to how it always is.

Jacob will never ever change, he will always want control, will always want to be top dog in the relationship. It couldn't work fifty-fifty how every other relationship on the planet works, it had to be twenty-eighty to him and no other way.

So why was I still battling with myself inside? Why was I still trying to find a way to make it work when I knew it was over? I guess part of the reason was I didn't want my marriage to end.

Ever since I can remember I have always looked at marriage and their vows as something of utter importance, you didn't stand there and take these vows on the thought of if it all goes wrong then I'd just get divorced and move along. To me, these vows meant something, they were meant to mean something and you worked at it to make it work. You didn't just give up and walk away, and when you swore til death do us part, it should mean that.

Maybe I was old fashioned like that, maybe I needed a reality check and realise that most marriages end up broken and in divorce, and that I should just forget my beliefs, but I honestly don't think I could even if I tried. Don't get me wrong, I know and understand that it can't always work, that sometimes you're just too different for it to actually work and divorce is the only way forward, but that didn't mean I agreed with it or wanted that for myself.

I stood and swore to love him forever, to stand by his side through good times and in bad. I swore to be with him until my dying day and now...... Now I am standing on the verge of my marriage ending.

There was nothing left for me to try and do to make it work. It ended a long time ago, but I held on, scared of being on my own, scared of what might happen when I told him and scared of complete rejection from the outside world. I didn't know what to do or try to make it work, I didn't know how to make him love me and not hurt. I didn't know how to let go of our past and the love I once felt for him.

There was so much love that I had once felt for him, nobody could love him more than I had done. He was my world, everything I did was just to please him, yet it was good enough. I wasn't good enough for him. And that love I had once felt, that was so fierce and strong died over the course of the years we had been together until there was no more.

To break out of this, to end my marriage was hard to both do and accept. Working the nerve up to tell him was hard and almost painful to even think about. Yeah, I wanted my living hell to end, but it was the end of an era, and no matter what had happened or transpired saying goodbye and letting go was not only going to hurt, but it was going to be hard.

Somewhere in my mind I hoped that Jacob knew what was coming and it wouldn't be a complete shock to him, and if the days over Christmas had anything to say about the matter it would make you believe that he did indeed know what was happening.

Christmas day itself had been much like the rest, Jacob staying in bed until gone twelve, recovering from the nights before drinking and me being up from about nine onwards waiting for him. Jacob had cocked his eyebrow at me when he received my gift, I normally went overboard buying him no end of lavish gifts while all I received was a CD that I didn't actually care for. This year however I had bought him a gift card for one of the music stores in the city. I was hard pressed to actually buy him that considering my marriage was ending, but the soft sensitive part of me wanted him to have something from me even though he didn't care about buying me anything.

He had actually managed to stay in a good mood throughout the whole day even going as far as wanting to cuddle with me on the sofa and watch a film, something he hardly ever wanted to do. For those few short hours curled into his arms on the sofa I remembered what it was like when we first met. For that short space in time I wanted us to stay locked away like that forever and never move, but like everything that was good in my life Jacob soon reminds me that I couldn't have any goodness, that I couldn't stay happy for long and he reminded me above all else that this wasn't working and I needed to get out.

Boxing day had been a disaster from the offset. Our normal routine of being at his parents on Christmas day and going to mine on Boxing day changed. My parents, despite what was happening had agreed to let Jacob come as per normal. They knew that any changes, like him suddenly not being allowed to come to theirs on Boxing day would only alarm Jacob that something was amiss and that was something I didn't want.

Without me knowing Jacob had made his owns plans which had been suddenly announced to me within the hour of waking up. Part of me was thrilled that he was going out and seeing his friends instead of spending the day with me, but another part of me, a small part, was a little saddened by that fact, knowing that once again his friends were more important, more fun than being with me. It didn't matter how I felt, or what I felt for him, knowing that I wasn't good enough company hurt.

The feeling of isolation gripped me tighter.

While Jacob shot off to see his friends, I drove to my parents who were more than happy to see just me. While I had been at my parent's house laughing and drinking with my family Jacob had spent the whole day in constant talk. His texts started off once every two hours, then once every hour, until my phone was going near enough every ten minutes, successfully pissing off my parents before he finally called me drunk out of his face at half nine wanting me to come and pick him up from wherever the hell he was. Answering him with a no and telling him I had drunk too much to be able to drive only resulted in a load of abuse down the phone. Surprisingly I laughed down the phone to him and told him it was hard luck he was having.

Maybe the drink had given me that extra boost of confidence or the fact that he was down the phone, wasted, and I wouldn't see him until the morning pushed me to laugh and deny him, whatever it was made me feel that little bit better.

By the time I picked Jacob up the next morning I realised I needed to tell him now. I needed to be done with it and get him out, though I still needed to work up the courage to do that. My on days were a lot better than my off days. All I needed to do was to tell him and end my marriage, which brought me right to here. To me sitting in the living room looking at Jacob out of the corner of my eye while he watched some crap on TV.

"Jake?" My voice became a whisper of despair. He turned to look at me so innocently that it made me feel guilty for what I was about to say, for what I was about to do.

It pushed me to question my choice, to rethink my plan and to fully realise that by doing this I was completely going against what I believed when when you get married. Slightly I wished, prayed even, that this was all a bad dream and he was still the sweet loving man I had met and fallen in love with. Only this wasn't a dream, the cracked ribs that will forever remain slightly tender reminded me of that. The way I felt about trying to find friends forced me to remember all the nasty hurtful words he had used in the past to make me feel as though people would laugh at me and ridicule me. As much as I wanted my marriage to work, as much I didn't want it to end I knew it had to. I was dead inside, my soul lay in pieces, completely destroyed, which kept me a prisoner to him. If I stayed, if I tried to make this work just one more time I would die.

"Yeah?" My hands shook slightly. I desperately needed to do this, I needed to have him out. I needed him to believe me when I spoke so that he wouldn't think I had planned this all along, so he would think I was trying to save our marriage and what we had. If I fell apart too soon he would know I wasn't planning on making it work, that I was planning on having him gone, the game would be up before it even began.

"I think we should go on a break." I couldn't even look at him while I spoke. My plan was to look upset, to show how I wanted us to work and how I thought our break would be good for us.

"A break? As in split up?" He turned the TV off and turned his full body towards me. His eyes burned at me full of confusion and concern instead of fury like I had expected to see.

"No... not really, more us going back to dating again. Trying to find that spark that brought us together in the first place, that reason we got married." Lifting my face I looked at him through my tear-filled eyes. "I don't want to lose you." I lied.

Jacob looked disheartened, almost shattered on the inside as I finished. My heart ached to see him in pain, to know I was causing all of this pain in his eyes, but there was a huge part of me that was unbelievably happy. He had bought my lie, or was buying it, I was closer to getting out, closer to my freedom.

"You..... love me, don't you?" He asked, pain laced though each word. Every letter of pain was like a dagger in my chest, piercing, through my heart and making me bleed inside.

"Jake, I want us to work, but you have to admit things between us haven't been right for a while." Needing him to believe me more I moved off the sofa and went to him. Taking his hand in mine I squeezed it tightly and brought it to my lips. "This is for the best, Jake. Things are stale and I truly believe that by us taking a break from each other, meeting up once a week or something to go on a date will give our relationship a new lease on life." Again I lied, I didn't care what happened once he was out, I had made my mind up. Of course I would meet him once or twice, while he settled back into his parents and to keep with my lie, but after that there would be no more.

"So you want us to go dates? Like we used to?" The tears fell from his eyes and I wondered if they were tears because he saw the dangerous state of our relationship or if he was sad because all his years of grooming me were slipping through his fingers like sand.

"Yes. We could go for a meal somewhere nice, or maybe go to the movies. I don't want us to just give up, Jake, but we need to find what we once had." The lies just kept coming.

I was hard-pressed to figure out if I was lying or if a small part of it was the truth. Whether there was some part of me that wanted this break to do us both good and maybe be able to go back to how we once were before all the abuse happened. That some bit of hope didn't go, even though I was sure that this was my only way out. If I didn't take it now I never would, but still the thought hurt that I was seeing the very ends of my marriage.

It felt like a car wreck happening in front of my eyes. Almost as if I could see myself on my knees in front of Jacob holding his hand while he wept over us, I could see the hurt rolling of Jacob and the confusion and conflicting emotions running around me. I wanted to look away, but I knew I couldn't. I knew it didn't matter if I looked somewhere else, this was still happening and while it felt like I was having an out of body experience, I knew I was on my knees looking at my husband.

Wiping his eyes and running the heel of his palm up his runny nose he spoke in an upset tone, almost as though he was breaking inside. This tone alone gave me power, made me feel stronger in some sick twisted way that he was suffering the way I had suffered. "Is this because I have slapped you?" I snorted.

He said it as though it was something that happened once in a blue moon not every single week. And I would hardly call my head being cracked on the sink leaving me knocked out on the floor a slap. There was no end to this man, to how he acted or how he looked at something. How could he even say he slapped me? A week before Christmas he had me on my back punching me in the face, that was more than a slap, a lot fucking more.

"Jacob, it's more than a slap, but yeah it is one of the reason. I don't want us to be getting on each others' nerves all the time where we end up falling out and fighting, where my face ends up stuck to your fist." He snickered at me and released my hand.

"Jazz, babe, you make out like you're a battered wife." _Battered husband more like. _I thought bitterly to myself. "I'm sorry that sometimes my temper gets the better of me and I lash out at you." I bit back my laughter knowing that this wouldn't help my cause at all.

"I know, but don't you think this time apart will make us miss each other? Maybe even fall in love all over again and become more happy than we ever were?" God, I felt sick just hearing myself talk. The lies that kept on coming were getting more and more convincing by the second.

"How long do you plan on us being apart?" That word, the word _PLAN _threw me off balance slightly. Did he know? Had he seen through this and was just playing with me? Toying with my affections and emotions? Letting me believe that he agreed and knew nothing when all along he knew just what I was doing. Panic ran through me as I battled to keep a hold of my act in front of him.

"Um, I don't on plan on anything, Jake. It could be a few weeks, it might be a month, who knows? We will know when the time is right for us to come back together." I hoped and prayed that it sounded sincere, that it sounded true to him.

He sighed and ran his palm over his face. "Who's going where?" _Don't smile, don't fucking smile or you will blow this whole thing up._ I mentally told myself, well more shouted at myself.

The light was right fucking there, the door was open and I was close. I could see freedom, taste it on my tongue, smell it in the air. I was joyful, this was what I had been waiting for, dreaming of, what I hoped I would one day have the strength for, but I never thought I could muster it until now that is.

"It would be easier if you went to your mum's as there is still room for you there, you know mine completely redid my room when I moved out." I waited almost holding my breath while he thought about it for a minute or two.

"Seems fair enough to me." He touched my face and my head turned into his hand. "Promise me you won't give up on us." He whispered to me, pleading with me to promise him. I couldn't, how could I promise him anything? I had planned this, planned us both sitting here talking about the end of us. Okay, I was talking about us ending, he was talking about us being on a break.

"I promise, Jake." _Liar, liar, pants on fire. _I was going to hell for my sins, for lying through my teeth to him and telling him something I had no intention of actually doing.

"Good, I couldn't bear it if I lost you." _You couldn't bear the thought of losing all those years of grooming down the pan more like._ I thought acidly to myself. "When shall I leave?" Now would be nice, now would be fucking fantastic if that was at all possible.

"When do you want to go? It's up to you, Jake." Knowing that this was finally happening pulled at my heart and made me want to cry, made me want to wrap my arms around and tell him I didn't want him to go.

_FUCK! _It was so hard, so unbelievably hard to actually call time on us. For so long I had believed that it was me and him forever, for so long I believed that he loved me and wanted me, that when he said it was him and I against the world I believed it. No matter what had happened between us I still felt sad to see it end. All those years together, all that time with one man was suddenly coming to an end after six long years. You could say I never really lived my teens, the fun part of my teens anyway. While I knew people and my friends were out every weekend on the pull and clubbing I was with Jacob.

"I'll call my mum and go tonight." He sighed. "New Year's Eve? What are we going to do?" New Year's Eve was tomorrow. I didn't want to see the new year in with him. For me, tomorrow night was marking the start of a new year, a new me, a new life that didn't have Jacob in it destroying me and making me live in hell.

"I think we should wait until the weekend to see each other, tomorrow night would defeat the object of what we are trying to do." I watched as he looked at me and ran the ball of his thumb over my bottom lip.

"I guess you're right, though it will be hard not to see you tomorrow night." I simply nodded as he picked up his phone off the floor. "I'll call my mum and get some clothes together, love you." He kissed me gently. It must have been the only real gentle kiss I had from him in years. Maybe he did regret the way he had treated me in the past, maybe he would change in time.

While he disappeared upstairs with his phone pressed to his ear I let out a shaky breath knowing I had fooled him, that he had believed what I had said to him. Though I knew I couldn't get too excited just yet, he still was here and could change his mind at anytime, it still didn't stop the wonderful happy feeling that ran through me for the time being. I didn't know how I would feel when I actually dropped him off tonight, if I would come apart and cry, holding him tightly to me and not wanting to leave him there instead of coming home with me.

I just had to hold it together for a little longer. If I showed any sign of weakness he would be on me like a hawk, asking me if this was really what I wanted, which would give him the key to break me back down. Jacob didn't want to leave, he didn't want our marriage to end, but it wasn't for the same reasons as me. I didn't want our marriage to become another statistic, I wanted it to work and I wanted forever, Jacob just didn't want to lose his pet, his toy. The boy he had groomed and moulded for the last six years, that's all he was concerned with, all he wanted to keep hold of. He wasn't getting any younger and the chances of his grooming someone else were slimmer now than they were six years ago.

Part of me wanted t go upstairs and watch him pack, just to be able to have a few minutes of watching him before I said goodbye to him, but I didn't want to. To walk up those stairs and see Jacob packing could easily break me and tear me down, break me in half and leave me bleeding in pain. Seeing him could make him ask questions, questions I didn't want to hear to be able to answer. These questions could undo what I had just done, could take it all away and remove my freedom that was just inches away from me. I couldn't let him have that chance to undo it all, have that chance to corner me and talk me round, leaving him be was better.

He had accepted our break, accepted us going on dates and him heading back to his mum's while we tried to sort out our problems and find what we once had. Right now it felt almost like a dream, a dream that could shatter and break at any given moment if I made one wrong move, so I sat. Sitting still on the sofa I listened to him move around upstairs, packing his clothes, getting ready to leave.

"I'm ready." He called as he walked down the stairs. His footsteps seemed heavier than normal as he hit each step. I wondered if the sound I was hearing was just a fragment of my imagination and that he wasn't walking around any heavier than before. He could have been, his footsteps could be mirroring his his heavy heart at this moment in time.

"Jazz?" My headed lifted up and I looked at him standing there, his bag thrown over his shoulder ready to leave.

Moving off the sofa I offered a small weak smile, it wasn't even classed as a smile, but it was the best I had, the best I could muster given the mood that was in the house right now. Picking my car keys off the side along with the front door key I didn't stop as I walked past him and towards the front door. I needed to get out of here, get him out. If I stopped before I reached his mum's I would change my mind and I couldn't afford to do that no matter how crap I was feeling right now.

Sitting in my car I watched Jacob close the front door and walk towards me, his eyes looked so sad. So unbelievably sad that it took everything in me not to hug him and beg him to stay, beg him for my forgiveness and for him to promise that he still wanted me. Somewhere in the back of my mind the little voice was telling me to move forward, to not look at him and see his sad eyes as this was all a trap. He wanted me to feel like I couldn't live without him and while I didn't know if I could I was going to have a fucking hard try at it.

We never said a word as we drove towards his parents, both of us locked away with our own thoughts, trying to sort through the sheer overload of feelings that were racing through us. This was the end, I knew it was, but did he? Did he sit there thinking that our marriage over? Of course not. Jacob would need a heart to be able to think of that and considering he was lacking one that thought wouldn't enter his head. No, Jacob was busy thinking that if he got out of this car and I left him there he would have to work even harder to get back in or he ran the risk of losing all his hard work, the work he had poured into this for the last six years.

Jacob would have to use every trick, every ounce of charm in him to worm his way back, but I wasn't going back. Jacob could buy me everything I ever wanted, but it wouldn't change a single thing. He was out and that was that.

"Are you coming in?" He asked as I pulled up outside his parents. This was something I hadn't given much thought to. Yeah, I thought about the whole bringing him here, but I never considered what I would do once I got here. Should I go in and see his parents? Would they see the lie I had said? Would they look at me with disgust, knowing that our marriage was falling apart? All these questions ran through my head and more. Would I look even worse if I didn't go in?

Unsure of what to do I moved the choice to Jacob. "What would you like me to do?" He thought about it, tilting his head to the side slightly while contemplating all that was said.

"Stay here and go home, babe. If you come in I won't get to say goodbye without everyone looking." God, this was really it, this was really the end of us. My bottom lip trembled slightly, my wall was breaking, cracking underneath the pressure of everything, of trying to keep everything together.

"Okay." My voice was so weak and fragile as I spoke. My wall crumbled more when Jacob engulfed me in a hug whispering "I love you," in my ear. I couldn't even say it back, instead I just nodded and held him tightly to me. Even with hate, the hate I felt for him, I still felt sad to see us end.

"The weekend, I'll call you New Year's day." He kissed me on the lips just once before getting out of the car and pulling his bag out of the back. "Be safe, Jazz." He muttered as he closed the door.

I didn't watch him go in, I couldn't watch him knowing that seeing him would only cause me more pain. Instead I started the engine and drove home, keeping myself from breaking down, keeping the crumbling walls up until I was home. I tried not to think about him, tried not to have him in my thoughts or think about what I had done, the lies I told and the conflicting feelings I had while telling him, but my mind wasn't silent for long.

Almost as though it was in slow motion I got out of the car and walked up the path to what was, just a few hours ago our home. Opening the door as though my hands weighed the earth I pushed it open and walked in, letting it close behind me I fell to my knees and sobbed. Heart wrenching, stomach turning sobs escaped my weak and almost broken body.

I cried for what I had lost.

I cried for the years we had spent together.

I cried for the strength I found to get out.

And most of all I cried because I was free.

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_Are we happy to see the back of Jacob? To see Jasper have the strength to go through with this? _

_Jasper my seem in two minds during this chapter, and he is. There are a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts that you go through even when you know your doing the right thing. _

_If your still reading please hit the review button, Jen x  
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	5. Conflicting Emotions Of The Heart

**_AN/ _**_I want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I'm so pleased to see so many of you still sticking with this story even though its been a little hard to read at times._

_I don't know when I will next update as my dog has had puppies and the little runt has to be feed hourly, I will never laugh at my friends again who have to wake every three hours to feeds their babies. Hopefully I should have one for you by the weekend but if not you know why._

_A massive thank you to my beta who had to work even harder with this chapter as I hav been writing in a total tired and brain dead state, she worked her wonderful magic on it once again._

_Heres Chapter 5  
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_**JPOV**_

__Tears had slowly stopped and died down leaving in its wake a thumping head and sore eyes. I had cried harder than I had ever cried before knowing that my marriage had to come to its end, knowing that I was out and alone from the toxic relationship I had lived in for the past six years had caused me pain. My insides hurt, my heart was broken, shattered into a million pieces as the tiniest hint of depression lapped around the edges of my broken body.

I hadn't left the house since I dropped Jacob back at his parents. I had hardly left the confines of the bedroom, only leaving to go to the bathroom and take the odd trip downstairs to get a drink. New Year's Eve passed me by in a blur of tears as I wept alone in the cold house. I could have gone out, saw the few friends I still had and enjoyed myself, but it was less then twenty-four hours after the end of my marriage and I was in no mood to party. My mood would have only upset and pulled down the others that wanted to enjoy the night, to enjoy the celebration of the New Year coming in, it wasn't fair to impose my misery on anyone else, so I stayed at home alone.

Jacob had called New Year's Day filling me in on what he had done the night before, it hurt a little to hear that he wasn't suffering the way I was, that he wasn't feeling useless and a failure in life like me. How come I felt like this and he didn't? He was the one that had destroyed our marriage, our romance, over the course of the last six years and yet I felt like crap hiding away from the world while I suffered the loss of my marriage? Was it because I had ended it at the very end? Or was it because I was the only one in the relationship to actually care and give a shit? It made feel worse to hear his happy tone in his voice, almost smiling at me, taunting me, because I was like this and he wasn't. Maybe this was part of some plan he had to just wear me down even more, make me truly feel as though I couldn't go on without him. He ended the phone call with a sickening voice of "You're mine," which brought every hair on my neck to stand up straight.

Did he know? Had he seen through my plan and was just letting me go along with it before snapping the reins back and reminding me that I would never truly escape him? He had taken to leaving well, too well in fact, which made me think that Jacob wasn't gone just yet. He might be out of my home and I was now free from any physical abuse, but his power hold was still over me and he knew it. I knew that Jacob would do everything in his power to keep his hold over me and I knew he would make my life a living hell if he couldn't get back in my life that way. Hold strong and not back down, stand my ground with him and refuse to let him walk back in, was my plan. It was easily said and done or more easily thought and done, but I had done the hard part, I had gotten him out.

Jacob had pressed to see me tonight even though I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. This had been part of the plan, part of the deal to get him out of my life for good. I needed Jacob to break it off officially, for him to tell me it was over even if in my mind it already was. I know how stupid it might sound, but it was the only way I saw him letting me go, for me to truly be free from him. I needed him to say goodbye to me and not the other way around. While it was just me Jacob would not let go, he would continue to try and break me down and keep his hold on me. Jacob had spent far, far too long on me, grooming me for him, molding me until I was just right and unable to fight him back, too scared to do anything than obey him for fear of what he might do.

Sitting in the car outside the bar I stared at it. I took in the lights around the pub, the way the name was written and how the colours stood out. I watched as I saw couples holding hands and walking in, looking all loved up as though there wasn't a care in the world for them. Maybe there wasn't and that thought made me feel sick with jealously. How come I couldn't have that? How come I was seeing the end of my marriage outright now and I couldn't actually look back and think I had been happy? It didn't seem fair to me.

This was the first time in four days I had been out of the house, the first time in four days I had left my bed. I didn't even want to come out now. I would sooner be back at home and not sit here waiting to go in, trying to find the strength to walk into the pub and see my husband, but I knew I had to. I knew I had to see him even if I only made it this once, I had to try and stick to my plan.

Even now, even after four days away from him I still, in some weird way, wanted us to work it out, to sort out our troubles and be together as a couple and an equal couple at that. I knew I shouldn't want those things, just as I knew I shouldn't feel anything for him, but I did, I still did. It was killing me to know my marriage had ended when I believed it would last until the dawn of time, until one of us left this earth; and that pain was still there hoping that this would solve all our problems, which gave me the conflicting emotions of not wanting to let go and wanting to let go.

The more I tried to work out my head the worse it became, I couldn't figure everything out, it was so screwed up in there that I wondered how I could actually function and drive without crashing head first into the nearest tree or lamppost. In truth, I was grieving for the loss of my marriage, six years I had been with him, six long years I saw him and only him and now I felt lost, confused and disorientated. Did everyone feel this way regardless of how their relationship ended?

My parents, for how supportive they had been, seemed to think I would handle this differently, be more happy that I was out. I was happy, I just couldn't show it. It still hurt to see it fail and crumble away from me even though the end result made me completely and utterly happy. People just didn't seem to understand that I lost out in this, I lost my husband. No longer did I come home to a house the held someone else, now it's just me and that's lonely.

Sighing I checked my hair, I had purposely left it down. I had purposely worn a pair of jeans that Jacob didn't like because they hugged my ass too much. I purposely wore a T-Shirt that was light and tightly hugged each plane of my chest, which accentuated my physique nicely and a jacket that Jacob had hated since I bought it. You could say I was going all out to piss him off, wearing things that I knew he hated, or maybe I was doing it to impress him, I wasn't too sure. Either way I didn't care, I looked good. Well, I thought I did. Getting out of the car I made my way into the local pub, it was a pretty quiet place which would give us a chance to talk.

Pushing the doors open I spotted Jacob sitting over in the corner, his black long sleeved Tee was hugging his biceps as he played with the beer mat, his black short hair was gelled up in all directions. He looked nice and right at that moment his eyes came up and met with mine, he smiled sweetly at me and I remembered the guy I once fell in love. Tipping my head to him I walked to the bar and ordered a coke, shaking slightly I walked over to where he was sitting. He eyed me up suspiciously noting the clothes I had chosen to wear today, he didn't approve of what I was wearing.

"Jake." I said and pulled on the chair and sat down. He looked at me for what seemed like the longest time, just staring at me until I felt uncomfortable and very self-conscious of what I was wearing.

"Do you want to tell me why you're wearing that?" He sneered at me in a low deep tone that made the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stick up on end. "Are you just trying to pick up some random guy Jasper who might take pity on you?" I closed my eyes and tried to block out his words, taking a deep breath I opened them again.

"I don't have to sit and listen to this, I came here to talk, to see if our marriage was worth saving." Jacob snorted, but didn't say anything else. Instead he sat there with his arms folded across his chest like a child who was sulking.

"Jazz... I'm sorry." He said suddenly breaking the silence that had fallen between us. "You look nice, babe. I shouldn't have said what I did. I.... I guess I'm just missing you." The hint of sorrow laced through his words and there was something in the way he spoke that made me want to believe that he did miss me.

As that thought entered my head I almost chuckled. Was I cracking up? Jacob didn't miss me as in me the person, his husband, no, Jacob missed his personal punch bag, missed the person he could control and make himself feel all big and great. Why couldn't I get my head straight? Why did I so desperately want him to miss me, for him to love me? Why did I sit here with the tiniest flicker of hope that our marriage could be saved?

"You guess you miss me? You mean you don't know if you do or not?" I inquired keeping my face straight, concealing my emotions from him. He didn't need to know how fucked up I really was, that would only add more power to him.

"You're twisting my words, of course I have missed you. Jesus Jasper, you're my husband, we have been together for six years, we've lived together for five of them, of course I miss you. Stop twisting and reading too much into it." Was I? I was sure he had said he guessed he missed me, was I twisting words from him?

It was something that I did do, if something wasn't said right leaving a small dot for error and misunderstandings you could bet your ass on it that I would find it, but this, just now? No, I hadn't twisted anything, I was sure of it.... well mostly sure of it anyway. He had said guessed, guessed meaning he didn't know, or did the word guess now have another meaning that I didn't know about? My mind battled over it, wanting me to stand my ground and argue that I wasn't in twisting any words this time, but the disapproving look and surefire tone he had used wore me down.

"Sorry." I mumbled rather pathetically dropping my head down and looking at the floor. He snickered slightly, just high enough that I could hear it so it would make me feel like utter crap. I didn't know why he bothered, I already felt crap, him snickering at me wouldn't make me feel any less or more like crap than I already felt.

"I was thinking I would come back and stay at the house tonight and go back to my mum's in the morning." He grinned at me. "I am feeling horny as fuck right now." I couldn't believe my ears, our first meeting since we went on a break and he was wanting to come home for sex?

I shook my head at him, I wasn't going to back down on this one. "No, Jake the idea of this break is for us to find that spark we once had, to fall in love again, not just fuck. Jake sex isn't going to sort any problems out, it's too soon for that. We didn't jump in bed when we first met and we're not going to now." They say a picture was worth a thousand words, but Jacob gobsmacked with an open hanging mouth was completely priceless.

"What do you mean no? You're my husband, you can't deny me." He seethed, still a little shocked that I had changed his plans of what he wanted.

"Yes, Jake, I can. Jake, I want our marriage to work. I don't want things to go down the pan between us and jumping into bed isn't going to save anything." As the words left my mouth I wasn't sure if I was lying or not.

Somewhere inside of me I wanted our marriage to work, I wanted things to go back to how they were when we first met, or even just to take him back as he was. Right now I wasn't sure if I could handle any of this, if I could handle whatever road was now laying out in front of me and whether I had the strength to continue to go through with this. The thought lingered in my mind of just having him back despite the abuse. He had controlled me for so long I didn't know how to be on my own, how to stand on my own two feet. When you've been controlled for so long how do you possibly start a life from scratch? I was in pain, inside I didn't feel any better than I did when I was with him, if anything I felt worse now than I did before I asked him to go on a break.

I read somewhere once that if a person has spent a long time in prison that they find it very hard to live on the outside world again. They can't get used to the freedom after being confined for so long, being told when they could go out into the fresh air, when they ate, and when they slept. I read that most will either do something again to go back or kill themselves. Going back in was something they knew and understood because they no longer knew how to function in the outside world, it had been that long. That was how I felt. I knew nothing else, how would I cope and be able to stand alone?

I felt so alone, so cut off from the world, isolated from everyone that I didn't even know how to make contact with the world. There wasn't a single ounce of confidence in me to even try and not be lonely. I would be rejected, laughed at, and looked at. He had destroyed me, finished off what the schoolyard bullies had started all those years ago.

All the time I wondered why? Why had I been dealt this hand? What made me so different that I was pushed out? You could almost say I was the runt of the litter, pushed out when cooler kids came along and then picked on for it. School life and your adult life was meant to be different, at school it works on a ranking system of how cool and popular you are. The popular kids that all seem to be great and something at school soon become nothing when they leave. The kids that got picked on were meant to see that the grown up was different and they realise that they aren't as different as the school bullies had made out, they slowly gain confidence and the old chains from school are broken. For me? I never got that chance, that chance to finally break out of those chains and grow in confidence. Instead I found Jacob and the pattern of being the runt and someone that wouldn't be accepted continued. Really what chance did I have of making it on my own?

"So, just so I'm completely clear on this, not only do you want us to be on a break, but you're also saying no sex?" The disbelief in his voice almost made me chuckle, nodding my head I waited for him to continue. "Un-fucking-believable! Jasper, I'm all for us trying to sort out our problem, but banning sex?." He sat back and crossed his arms over his chest, his black eyes burning holes into me. "It's. Not. Going. To. Happen." He spoke low and with authority, stopping in-between every word for a second longer, impacting them. Did he really think that would make a difference? He had no way of getting his own way on this. Foolishly you could say, he left his house keys in the house completely removing any chance of him getting in without me letting him in.

His flickering of moods in such a short space of time was starting to play with my head, the more I sat there the more conflicted I became. I wanted him, but I also hated him. I was miserable and lonely and just wanted to be loved by him, but I was also so happy to be out and away from the arms that did nothing but hurt me. In short, I wasn't sure what I wanted. It was so hard being without him after so long. It would be easier if I just gave up and accepted that this was the best I was ever going to get, but I didn't want to settle for that. I didn't want to just accept that this was how my life was, that my only chance to be with somebody, anybody, was going to be with someone who would in turn just abuse me and break me. If this was all that was to be offered I didn't think I wanted it.

"Well tough." I became slightly shocked as the words left my mouth. "Jake, if our marriage is just about that then there really is no point is there?" I waited for his remark to come. His face was covered in so many emotions as he worked his way through them, one was standing out more than the others, anger.

"Jasper, you seem to be forgetting your place in our marriage!" My place? Of course there was nothing in it that was equal, I was below him and me going against what he wanted was not allowed.

"I'm going home, Jake. This, tonight, was a bad idea. In a few days time when you're in a better mood call me and we'll try again." I could feel my nerves inside shaking as I stood from the table and left.

His eyes were on my back, burning almost painfully into my back wanting me to know my role and come back to the table sit myself down and do as I was told. Getting out into the parking lot I let out a shaky breath, it was hard to believe just how tightly bound I had become from just sitting in there with him for an hour or so.

"Jasper!" I froze mid-step to the car feeling my hairs on the back of my neck stand up. His deep growl, snarling my name sent the fear of god through me.

His hand was on my elbow, gripping it tightly, painfully tight. "Get off me." I flung my arm away, snapping it out of his grasp.

"Do you think I don't know what you're doing?" He seethed in my ear. "I know what your plan is, Jasper. I saw through your fucking act. Let me make this fucking clear, you and I are never going to be over." My body trembled hearing his words. "I won't let you go, you're mine." He chuckled in my ear, my breathing picked up in short sharp rasps.

"No." It was nothing more than a whisper as I battled to keep myself from falling apart inside. _I can do this._ The words rattled around my head. Moving away from him I walked quickly towards the car, my heart was beating wildly in my chest as I clicked the button hearing Jacob's footsteps behind me.

"This isn't over, Jasper." He growled as I opened the door. Slamming it shut quickly and locking the door I started the engine, my worst fear was happening.

Flooring it out of the car park the tears began to fall. I knew he wouldn't let go without a fight, but I had been hoping that my plan of us going on a break wouldn't have been so see through. There had been a voice in the back of my mind for a while telling me that he knew what I was doing, that he saw my plan and was just toying with me all along, letting me have my fun before snapping the reins back to him.

In some sort of auto mode I drove to Alice's. I didn't want to be alone. I needed someone, anyone, to tell me that I was doing the right thing, that I could do this and not crumble under his mind control. Alice knew a little about what happened, she had a light outline, but I hadn't gone into full-blown detail with her over it. I was still very protective over admitting it to anyone outside of my family. Even my family, my parents who had sorted out my debt didn't yet know the full workings of what had happened. Maybe one day I would sit down and tell them everything, maybe I wouldn't, I wasn't sure.

Pulling onto Alice's drive I was already near the point of complete emotional break down. Alice was one of my only few friends who still spoke and kept in touch with me, the small collection of friends I had soon fucked off when Jacob came on the scene. Climbing out of the car I wiped my tear soaked face and knocked on the door, after standing there for a few minutes it became clear that she wasn't in. Feeling completely lonely and miserable as sin I headed back to the car. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to have to face the pain I was feeling, the gut wrenching pain that not only made me feel sick but caused me to feel depressed.

Arriving back home the loneliness hit me more as soon as the I opened the front door. The darkness of the house quickly covered me, pulling me in. It didn't matter how many lights I turned on, how brightly I lit the house, the darkness was still there, pulling me at the edges, making me feeling the pain I was in. I wanted to stop feeling, just for a short space of time, just something, anything, that would halt it and let me forget just how shit my life really and truly was.

Heading into the kitchen I pulled out a bottle of vodka that sat in the cupboard, not bothering with a glass I undid the cap and walked into the living room straight towards the CD player. Grabbing one of the few CD's I had been allowed to keep down here I put it in, not caring to see what CD it was and hit play. Cracking the volume up as loud as it would go I sank to the floor and began emptying the contents of the bottle of Vodka down my neck as the unmistakable sound of Ministry of Sound kicked in.

The hard wooden floor vibrated underneath my sobbing broken body, as the fast heavy baseline blasted itself out of the speakers. The neat clear Vodka burned my throat as it went down, but I welcomed the pain. That pain took away the pain I was feeling of seeing my marriage end, I was achieving what I set out to do. The answers to my problems were not at the end of bottle and I knew this, but it didn't stop me from bringing the bottle to my lips and swallowing. Right now it was taking the pain away for the moment, giving me a break from the pain I was constantly in.

Feeling one pain being replaced by another I let my tears of complete self-pity fall from my tired sore eyes. The vibration in my pocket was the only thing that made me realise I was still in the same place I was before, only now I was half-full of a bottle of vodka. Pulling the phone out of my pocket my realisation of reality hit as I read the words.

_You're mine!_

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_I found this chapter hard to write, not for what is in it but the emotions, the conflicting emotions that Jasper is going through was hard to put down on paper. I hope it turned out alright for you guys._

_Anyways please hit the reviw button and send some love, Jen x_


	6. I'm Going Down

_**AN/ **Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, it was a bit of a hard one wasn't it? Sorry but there maybe a few more in store before things level out. What I'm covering is important even though its hard to read, but this chapter is a little more healther_.

_I want to thank all the readers that are reading but don't make it known, to everyone who has put it on alert and placed it in there faves. It really does mean a lot to know that you guys are liking it even though its a little hard. _

_A massive thankyou to my girls, Elasaid77 for being an amazing beta and sortting out all my crap and grammar mistakes and to dtav for pre-reading it and telling me that it does make sense and not just a load of confusing ramble in a doc. The girls who have been WC'ing with me while I wrote this even though we spent more time talking then writing, thanks for the feedback and the great chats we had. _

_Oh I almost forgot, Toxic_Valentine wrote a song for Healing Heart! Her friend sang for her, I super proud that my little first E/J fic made someone write a song based off it. The link to it will be on my profile today, It is only a demo and is still being worked on but once I have the completed copy I will link it on my profile._

_Okay I really, really need to point something out and answer the golden question, Where is Edward? I have been asked and asked and asked again, so much so that now my beta is being asked where is he and when he is going to show. Well if you all had read my AN in chapter one you should know that Eddie boy won't be coming along just yet. I did state which I thought was clear that this story will cover Jasper breaking out of an abusive relationship, finding himself again and then learning to fall in love. Now we have only just done Jasper breaking out, he doesn't know who he is right now, he is still hurting from his past relationship with Jacob, if Edward was appear now he would be a rebound fuck and nothing more, Jasper is not ready for a relationship yet, he is not ready for someone to show him what love is acrually like, please understand this. I won't rush this story, I won't cut things out and sugar coat it, rainbows, bunnies and JRath tied to my bed are not facts of life (though I wish he was), I want to do this story justice by covering all the facts, I'm sorry if your all waiting and hoping that this chapter might be the one in which Edward turns up but there isn't a lot I can do about that fact right now. I have given you guys Secrets and Lies so you all can have some fluffy stuff with the boys while this is moving along slowly I can't do no more then that.  
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_Okay I hope you all a little clearer on when Edward is turning up now ._

_On with the Chapter.  
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_**JPOV**___

__Jacob haunted me. Every dream was filled with him, his eyes, his voice, his touch, I couldn't escape it. Confined to my own home all alone he was still there, his poison had covered everywhere, through every wall of the house, the floorboards, the furniture, down to the very foundation of the house. His poison seeped through everything as though it was an attachment to himself. The walls closed in on me, suffocating me, choking the life out of me almost as if it was his own hands and arms inflicting the damage upon me. His voice rattled around in my head, shouting loudly, telling me how much of a failure I was, how no one would ever want me. How I was disgusting and repulsive and that the chances of any man finding me remotely attractive was about as likely as hell freezing over. I tried to block out the words, tried not to listen and not pay attention to what was going on inside my head, to his voice that was like a stuck record, but I couldn't escape it. It was inside my mind, his voice locked away in there repeating every single nasty and hurt-filled word he had ever said to me. It didn't matter how loud I blasted music in the house to try and drown out his voice, he just shouted louder than before. I felt as though I was losing my mind.

The sinking feeling surrounded me, consuming me completely and weighing me down. I didn't think I had the strength left to fight this now, to continue to battle against Jacob. I was his, I belonged to him and no amount of distance I placed between us was going to change that, no matter what I did or said the bonds wouldn't be broken. How free could I actually be from him? Really free from him? He may no longer be in the house anymore, but it didn't stop the hold he had and the hell he was sure to put me through now he had admitted he knew all along what I was doing. I would never truly be free from him, I would always be a prisoner to him, stuck with the choices I made in my stupid younger years.

Where was my second chance? Where was the justice that I had been told would happen? Where was that fucking bitch called karma? All this bullshit about what goes around comes around crap that people just love to tell you doesn't fucking exist. What had I done to get the last six years of hell? What had I done to break out of this toxic place, but not actually be able to be completely free from that bastard? Nothing, that's fucking what. I did nothing wrong and yet I get this. Surely if this bitch called karma exists then Jacob would be now six foot fucking under after getting crushed by a fourteen ton truck? But no, he's alive making my life a living fucking hell.

Escaping my feelings I drank, there was no one I could turn to and unload my problems, my feelings and my thoughts to. My parents, even though there had been no end of support from them still looked at me with a disappointed look on their faces whenever they saw me. I knew the look was just because they couldn't believe I had lived through this for so long and not told them until now and I knew they were desperate to know just what had happened, but still I couldn't turn to them and tell them. My friends didn't really care that much about me to begin with so they were hardly there willing to lend their support when I needed it. Alice was my only friend that actually gave a shit about me, but I hadn't been able to get in touch with her for the last few days so my feelings and thoughts stayed locked away with me eating me alive.

In the days that passed since I saw Jacob I hadn't really interacted with anyone. I went to work and kept myself to myself, no one spoke to me and I didn't to them. I guess how I looked put people off from talking to me in the office, my face screamed that if you're likely to talk to me you're gonna hear all my problems. My red-rimmed eyes had a shadow of purple underneath them where the bags had collected from my broken sleep pattern, stubble still remained on my face that I hadn't shaved off since the night I saw Jacob, I looked a mess.

I wasn't handling the break-up of my marriage well, or that Jacob wouldn't leave me alone, that he continued to hold his control over me. Why did he leave if he knew my plan all along? Though I knew why, I wanted to hear it. To be told by someone his reason for doing this was the same and I wasn't just losing my mind. That's how I felt sometimes, like I was losing all my marbles and becoming a finger short of a full-sized KitKat. My head was swimming with so much shit in it I honestly believed that my head would explode, that the human mind wasn't designed to take all of this information at once. I found it hard to think straight with everything rushing through at a hundred miles an hour, swirling around trying to find a place for it.

Jacob had only ever agreed to move out just to test his hold on me, just to see how far he could push me before I snapped back into my place and just continued to take the shit from him. He knew I couldn't hold on for long, being on my own, away from everyone. In the years we had been together he had successfully made me lose all real contact with my friends. I couldn't blame them for not wanting to talk to me anymore. I had missed so much in their lives, so many parties and events had taken place and I had not been allowed to go. In truth, I had been a shit friend and would you really want to stay friends with someone like me? No, of course not. People can be so two-faced when it comes to this stuff, if you have been out of their life for so long you can almost guarantee that they wouldn't want to know despite what might have happened for me to lose contact in the first place.

As my mood sunk deeper I felt more and more alone, more and more cut off from the outside world that I almost began to feel jealous over people who had friends, real friends that cared about them. I could slit my throat in the middle of the office or in a room with people who classed themselves as my friends and no one would bat a fucking eyelid to me, or at least that's how it felt. I spent my lunch time at work with my head down walking through the town, just trying to feel somewhat alive and real, trying to have just a small piece of normal human contact with someone.... anyone. Once I grew tired of walking around I would find myself sitting in the middle of the square on the benches looking at the water fountain, wishing that it could wash away my problems and my pain. I wondered if I could step underneath that spray of bright sparkling water and it would cleanse me and make me feel better, but I was just dreaming, just hoping that my pain would leave me.

My pain wouldn't leave me, even though I thought I would feel better by now, I didn't. The happiness I had once felt when he first left had soon been replaced with sorrow and depression. How could I actually feel so depressed being somewhat free from his hands now? It was easy, I believed his words. I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything, I was trapped in a world where no one wanted me and I was left to walk these planes until I stopped breathing. My self-pitiful mood had taken a downward turn for the worst and made me wish to feel him again, wished for him to strike out and hit me, at least that way I could feel something, anything must be better then feeling numb, surely?

As my eyes stared and became fixated on the water I didn't hear the person sit themselves down until I felt I wasn't alone. I didn't move to look and see who it was, they would soon see what a freak I was and leave, wander off and find a better spot where they wouldn't have to wonder if the weirdo sitting next to them would suddenly lash out and kill them.

"Jazz....?" They knew my name, the female sitting next to me knew my name. I hoped it wasn't a member of his family again. For my sins on this earth I had ran into Jacob's mother a few days back. She was sweet and nice just like always with me, and wondered how our problems were going and if we were still fighting for each other. I wanted to laugh when I heard it, she had no idea what her son had done, what he was like. To her, he was the idea of perfection, her son could do no wrong even when faced with going to court she didn't see the problem in him.

I know, I get and I understand that parents look at their children with almost rose-tinted glasses and they will try their hardest to see the good in their son or daughter, but surely when faced with a jail sentence they would see that maybe, just maybe, their child wasn't as perfect as they had once thought.

"Jasper?" Again the voice, a whispering sound, one I knew and knew well, but I didn't have the energy in me to place the voice to a name or even a picture in my head, even looking at them was too much of an effort. "Talk to me, Jazz." A tiny hand rested on my thigh. As I looked down at the delicate tiny fingers that rested on my black trousers my vision became cloudy as my eyes began to fill with tears.

"Al....." My voice was strangled as my emotions caught up in my throat and the tears fell. Turning my body towards hers her tiny arms wrapped themselves around me tightly as I wept on her shoulder. Since my break up with Jacob this had been the closest thing to comfort I had felt. My parents, of course, had hugged me and coated me in love, but it wasn't the comfort I was looking for, in some way my parents love and hugs felt like pity. Pity I didn't want, no one is to blame but myself. I stayed when I should have left a long time ago. I married him when I should have said no. I begged him to stay with me six months into our relationship when he tried to break it off with me, I should have let him leave. I had done this to myself, I didn't need any pity from anyone.

Calming myself down I backed away from the hug, her little face held so much pain in it, pain she was feeling seeing me suffer the way I was. She shouldn't worry about me or feel anything towards me, she had her own life to deal with. "You look like shit, Jazz." I had to laugh, only Alice could possibly look at me and say that, only she could honestly tell me I looked like shit just moments after crying.

"I know." And I did, I was well aware of my appearance, but I didn't have it in me to sort it out. I laughed at her remark as she pushed my hair out of my face.

"Come." She stood and held her hand out to me. Where could she be planning on taking me? _Oh please, Al, let's not have the whole mini makeover thing right now_. I begged to myself as her hand continued to stay out towards me. "Jasper Whitlock, hand now or I will cause a scene right here, right now." Even after I married Jacob and took his surname she still continued to call me Whitlock. To her, I would always be Whitlock no matter what name I went under. Jacob had been more than pissed when he found out that Alice wouldn't call me Mr. Black.

"Al please, I don't..... I mean I can't....... please, Al." Thoughts of mini makeovers she had made me go through in the past flashed in the forefront of my mind. When I had first started dating Jacob, Alice had taken it upon herself to drag me off on my lunch hours to buy the perfect outfit for my weekend dates with Jacob.

"I'm not taking you shopping, I promise. Where I am taking you is home to clean you up, shave that crap off your face...... Jazz, it's not designer anymore, it's a fucking mess and only makes you look like a bum, now come on." Her heart was in the right place, but I had no reason to shave or eat or even shower. Okay, maybe the last one was a little far-fetched after all no one wants to stink, but you get the message.

Sighing defeated I looked at her. "I have to go back to work, Al." She laughed at me and shook her head. "Al, I can't get fired." And I couldn't. With Jacob out of the house what little money he did use towards bills had stopped. All the bills now fully fell on me.

"And I've called in sick for you. Don't argue with me, Jasper. Your boss understands how much of a hard time you're having right now, he told me to tell you he will see you Monday and that he hopes you feel better by then, or at least a little happier." Gobsmacked my mouth hung open, she took her chance and grabbed my hand pulling me up off the bench. "You've lost weight, are you eating?" I shook my head. Food and me didn't go well together right now. I didn't want to eat, I had no desire to fill my mouth with food and chew. It took too long to cook for myself and I didn't want to waste both food and money.

"Jazz, you need to eat. Why haven't you called?" I shrugged my shoulders at her feeling like a fool. I guess somewhere along the line when I couldn't reach her I didn't bother to try again thinking that she had more important stuff to do than help me out and be there for me to moan my fucking ass off at her. She had a life, she had friends, and she had a loving boyfriend. She had everything I didn't and I was jealous, jealous that she had the things I craved, things I couldn't have in my life because the world hated me. For some unknown reason God hated me, maybe one day when I was six foot under I would finally find out just why I couldn't have that loving comfort that most people have.

"I did come round that night I met Jacob, but you weren't in. I called you the next day and I couldn't get hold of you. You have your own problems, you don't need to add my problems, my shit to your burden." Alice frowned at me, almost scowling at me. It was almost the same look that my mum would give me if I did something that didn't appease her.

"How long have I known you?" She asked pulling me towards her car that was parked in the multi-story car park.

Looking down to the floor I answered. "A long time." She crossed her arms as we reached her car.

"I have known you since Eric pushed you off that swing and you punched him in the face. I was there when you figured that boys were your thing and you wouldn't tell anyone. Jazz, I even kissed you when you were all confused. I have known you almost my whole life and you have hidden away from me. Listen to me Jasper, screw where I might have been, you should have called me! I would have been home in minutes, screw Paul and his family. You are important in my life and you come before anything else when you're in trouble, do you understand me?" She tapped her foot.

"Well? Do you? Or do I have to beat it into you?" I flinched at her choice of words. I knew what she meant and I knew she didn't mean it like that, but those words so close to my marriage breaking down tore through me and made me wonder why people wanted to hurt me, to hit me and beat sense in to me.

Horror crossed her face. "Oh God Jasper, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I didn't think." Her anger at me for not calling and going to her disappeared. Suddenly her tiny four foot frame was wrapping itself around me, comforting me. "Jasper, I didn't mean that, forgive me please?" She whispered in my ear.

"It's fine Al, I know what you meant. You don't have to tread around the words you normally use to just make me happy and not hurt my feelings. These are things I need to get used to or I won't ever be able to move forward with my life." She placed a kiss on my cheek and unlocked the door.

We drove back in silence, not that I minded. I was happy to have something, that small piece of human comforting contact even if it was just for a short space of time. As strange as it might seem I felt like I could breathe again, that I could function once more, have my thoughts in some sort of order and not all over the place as they had been, clogging my mind and weighing me down. I felt a little normal for the time being, like the sea I was swimming in was calming down letting me relax and not struggle to stay afloat as I had been doing. My chains felt loose and free giving me that tiny bit of time to recover from all I had been through, even though I knew my time in this relaxed state was going to be short, I couldn't help but just try and revel in it.

Pulling up outside my house it felt as though there was a tiny ray of sunshine just peeking through the dark black clouds that covered the sky above. Everything just seemed that little bit brighter and not so grey. _Please let it stay_. I thought to myself as I climbed out of the car and pulled my house keys out my pocket. Alice was behind me, following me up the path to a place that I couldn't even think of as home at the moment. This was just somewhere I stayed at night, somewhere warm, but not the warmth I wanted or craved.

"Jasper! Tell me you haven't been drinking?" Alice called as she made her way into the kitchen. _Fuck, trust Alice to notice the collection of empty bottles that were waiting to go down to the bottle bank. _I thought bitterly to myself.

"A little." I called back as I shifted through the mail that had arrived. My heart squeezed a little tighter when I saw his name on the letters. My chest tightened as the feeling of loss crept though me once more. I longed to have him here again with me, but I didn't think I longed for him as such.

It wasn't a longing to feel his fist connected to parts of my body, or the longing to hear his hurtful words, it was a longing to just have someone to give me a loving hug when I felt like crap, or someone to talk to, to have someone next to me so the bed didn't feel so cold and big while I slept. It was just to have someone to come home to that I longed for and considering Jacob was the only man I ever knew in any form of a relationship I could only long for him.

"Upstairs now, bath or shower, and shave, Jasper. I'll make us something to eat and um...." She looked around. "Clean up." She said a little embarrassed. She didn't need to be embarrassed, I was the one that should feel that way and not her. This was after all where I lived and yet I had failed to keep on top of the most basic of house duties. Again, much like my appearance, I didn't have the energy to do it, the will to want to clean up. I just wanted to rot away in my own self pity of hate.

"Sorry Al, you don't have to." She shook her head and ushered me up the stairs. I didn't protest, nor did I even screw my face. I did as I was told and went upstairs to the bathroom. Flicking the shower on I stripped off while allowing time for the hot water to come through. Stepping into the shower I let the hot water run over my tired and drained body. Who would have thought that having such a stressful time in your love life could make you feel so drained?

Washing my hair I noticed my blonde curls were now hanging lower than ever before, they had always been to my chin but now they hung past it. My routine of heading off to the barbers had stopped altogether and I hadn't had it cut in two months, but I no longer cared. It was Jacob that made me go every three weeks to have it cut, Jacob who insisted that I keep it a certain length just to make him happy. He wasn't here anymore and while he wasn't here, I didn't have to stick to the rules, did I?

Picking up the razor I began the task of shaving off the god awful stubble that was now there. I never really liked the stubble, it itched after a while when it grew too long and then you ran the risk of getting food stuck in it. Finally having my baby smooth skin back I looked a my hands. The cheap gold ring sat around my third finger on my left hand, I still hadn't taken it off yet, I didn't know when I should. When was the right time to remove it from my finger?

No, that was a lie. I didn't care when the right time was, taking it off meant that it really was the end. In some strange way, it almost seemed to comfort me seeing it there. It had been there for so long, for three years it had sat on my finger since he put it there. Not even once had I removed it from my skin on my finger. I couldn't, to me, it was put there to stay and that's how it was, even sliding it up my finger made me feel naked without it down at the bottom where it should be. I knew soon I would remove it, a wedding band symbolises that you're married, spoken for, you have found your one. It's a symbol of your love and commitment to each other, wearing it now felt like I was going against everything the band was meant to mean.

If by some miracle some guy actually liked me saw me, wearing the wedding band from my failed marriage would put them off. Who really would go chatting to a guy if they saw a wedding band on their finger? I knew that people often think that it's some sort of challenge, someone married and off limits, like it's some sort of forbidden fruit, but the only married people I knew who have ever gone off with someone else were the ones who stuck their ring in their back pocket. As though it really mattered, no one would find me interesting enough to even want to come and talk to me, let alone fuck me.

Cutting the water off I dried off and wrapped a big towel around my waist. Heading into the bedroom I stopped in my tracks, the bed had been made, not just made, but fucking changed. Alice had changed the bedding! I felt completely cut up and embarrassed, the sheets weren't dirty by any means, but to know that someone who had gone on some sort of Nazi cleaning mission had changed my bedding just made me feel even more like a failure. Did she think I was completely incapable of doing these things?

Not dwelling on it too much for fear I might become angry and not see it as the nice gesture it truly was. Throwing on a pair of sweatpants and a Tee I headed down the stairs, my blonde curls still dripping slightly and wetting the back of neck. I stopped still again when I noticed that Alice had not only gone through my room cleaning, but had done the same down here as well. The living room was spotless, not a single sign of any dust or clutter anywhere. The TV shone as did the coffee table, the floor was spotlessly clean, the woman had truly worked her magic in what? Half an hour? The faint sound of the washing machine going had me breaking out in a blush as I walked toward the kitchen, which again was spotlessly clean. Alice handed me a plate with a sandwich on it and cup of coffee. I would have sooner had something stronger than coffee and judging by the look on her face she knew it as well.

"We can have wine later, okay? But first you eat and drink coffee." She smiled sweetly at me. "You look a lot better now that stubble has gone." She picked up her plate and walked past me towards the living room. Following her I almost didn't want to sit down in case I dropped a crumb on the floor.

"Thanks Al, you didn't have to do this." I took a bite of my sandwich realising just how long it had been since I last ate something real and not just crap to keep going. "Al, you did all of this in what, half an hour?" She suddenly burst out laughing at me, and I was confused why she would be laughing at me? What was so funny?

"Jazz, half an hour is what what you think it's been?" She asked while bringing her legs up under her as she sat on the sofa. I nodded waiting for her to continue. "Jazz, you have been in the shower for an hour an half. I'm good, but I'm not that good."

Fuck! What had I been doing up there? "Sorry Al, I didn't mean to be that long. I guess I just lost track of time." _Thinking of my fucked up life_. I wanted to add but didn't.

"Don't worry, I called Paul and told him I would be staying here tonight with you as you needed a friend and at the weekend we're going out on the town. A good night will do you the world of good." I frowned, it wasn't as though I had a bad day or something. My marriage had just ended, a good night would hardly make things all fucking rosy again.

I went to protest, but Alice shot me a look that told me we could do this one of two ways. The easy way being I sucked it up and went or the hard way being she would dragged me there kicking and screaming. With both options taking me to the same place I let it drop, there was no point in frighting her on it. I would go and be bored and miserable just to please Alice.

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_Well that was better wasn't it? Jasper is going to let his hair down and go out on the town with Alice, so the next chapter should be fun! Yes I know its about time Jasper needs to have some fun and he will do._

_Hit the review button my lovelys and send some love._

_Jen x  
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	7. Behind the mask

_**AN/**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I know I suck at trying to reply but I do love every single one I get. _

_Thank you to my girls, Easaid77 for just being a kick ass beta and sorting out my crap, and dtav for pre-reading my chapers. _

_It was nice to see that people are still sticking with the story even after I told you all that Edward won't be arriving anytime soon. _

_Anyway I hope you guys like this chapter, its um......interesting._

_Oh the slash awards, hav you all gone and voted yet? Right There is up in two sections, which I'm completely blown away at still. Please go and cast your vote I think its open till the end of the month. Here's the link_

http:// theslashawards (dot) blogspot(dot) com/?zx=87749bb10be87576

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_**JPOV**_

__Alice stayed with me that night to make sure I was okay, after dragging me home and making me eat and shower. I wasn't okay, I was far from okay, but during the hours of her being with me I felt almost normal again, almost human. The best night's sleep I had in a long time followed that night as Alice crawled into bed with me and let me curl up into her tiny body, her arms wrapped tightly around me allowing me to sleep and feel safe. It was slightly strange to cuddle up to Alice, to be that close to a female's body was a first for me, and while I missed the feel of hard muscle to curl into I loved that for that one night I didn't feel so alone.

It gave me a slight boost, a tiny little bit of hope that I would one day get over this and be able to actually sleep through the night peacefully. Although that was a long way off, it was a nice feeling to have inside of me. The next night I was alone, again. I walked back into a dark cold empty house that seemed to feel bigger and bigger with each passing second and the edges of depression rippled around my edges. Crawling into bed that next night I tried to push the loneliness away, tried to think about the weekend and my night with Alice but I was fighting a losing battle. Come two AM I was in a miserable state of self pity and on the edge of tears. I couldn't explain to myself why I was on the verge of tears, nothing had happened to make me feel this way other than being left on my own which I knew I just had to get used to.

Alice, as much as she wanted to, couldn't stay here every night. She had Paul and was about to tie the knot to him, it wasn't fair for her to be here with me when her boyfriend was at home alone without her. With her unable to be here every night she took another step to make sure that I was alright and getting through the night. She called me just before she went to bed and called me first thing in the morning, with the words of 'my phone is on Jasper, call me anytime during the night if you need to.' I appreciated the thoughtfulness from her, but even I couldn't go and do that. When I spoke to her in the mornings, I lied. I told her what she wanted to hear, that I had slept through the night just fine, that I had eaten and kept my dinner down, that I wasn't drinking. I don't think she believed me though, the long sigh that almost sounded as though it was my mother on the phone and not my best friend told me more then I needed to know on how she felt and what she was thinking.

Being left alone gave me time to think, to question and to reflect on my life up to this point. I questioned my marriage to Jacob and how I was certainly feeling that I had indeed made a mistake. What if he was right? What if I would never find anyone else? What if Jacob was the only person I was meant to be with, even though what I was going through with him was hell? What if this was the only thing mapped out for me? In the wee small hours of the morning with a glass of wine in my hand I questioned every choice, every decision I had ever made. In those small hours I would look at my wedding photos and turn the gold band around my finger and wonder what it would be like to be looked upon the way I had looked at Jacob that day? What would it feel like to feel someone's love for me, unconditional love that I could actually feel?

I looked at Alice and the relationship she had with Paul. I heard her talk to him on the phone before she climbed into bed. I heard the sweet words of love from her to him and I heard the love in her voice that was directed solely to him. Hearing it made me feel jealous, jealous that she had it and I didn't. How right was that? Almost begrudging her for finding that happiness I so badly wanted and craved.

The days were easier, there wasn't much time to actually stop and think about him, think about what I was going through. My act almost seemed believable, to the outside world I painted this picture of control. I appeared okay after my little slip up, the weeks after my marriage ended when I was a mess were over, but they weren't; at two in the morning they were very much real, very much still here, and I was very far from being anywhere near healed. But it pleased people, the people in the office would smile at me and say hi. Alice would be her normal self around me though she sent me the odd looking glance. I hoped she believed my little act, but deep down I knew she didn't. Deep down I knew she was just waiting for me snap again. Maybe she was hoping that I would come out of it on my own, that me acting this way would actually turn and I would stop pretending. Maybe I would one day make that switch and it would be so seamless that I wouldn't even feel it or see it, that I would suddenly feel content in my life and this hell would be over. But I knew. I knew that wasn't going to happen. I knew that no matter how hard I tried I wouldn't leave this black cloud as easily as I would like.

By the time Saturday came I was having second thoughts about our night out. I no longer went out with friends, that was a big no no. That was against the rules, but now he wasn't here and the rules were no longer in place but still I felt chained to them. I didn't know how to act out with my friends in a club. I only knew how to act with Jacob in a club, how to be with him and no one else. Me being in that sort of place without him would be very alien to me, people looking and dancing while the freak just stood at the edge of the dance floor and looked on. Was that really what I wanted to do on my Saturday night?

Alice had assured me that under no circumstances was I allowed to back out, she believed that a night out would lift my spirits, maybe even receiving some attention from someone if I was lucky. I had snorted at that fact, snorted at the thought that she honestly believed that a night out would fix everything. That was laughable, a night out wouldn't fix a damn thing. A night out would be like sticking a plaster on a fucking broken leg with the bone sticking out, yet she insisted that the night out was not some way to fix everything, but for me to let my hair down and relax.

Giving up on fighting against her on the night out, I merely just accepted it. I didn't have the strength to battle against her on the subject, it was easier to just go and hope that maybe, just maybe, I might have a decent night if luck were to have it.

Which brought me to where I was now, sitting in the living room with a glass of wine in my hand waiting for Alice to turn up. I felt sick slightly, that nervous feeling slowly rocking and building up in my stomach while I looked at the clock, counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until I could be back here, back to where I felt safe.

It was such a strange feeling, this not wanting to go out and be seen by anyone. In some ways, I felt like I had that disorder where people fear being in places surrounded by people, where you are convinced that everyone is looking at you, staring at you and making you feel as though there is something wrong with you. It sounds crazy and maybe I was on the very fucking verge of going completely insane, but I was sure that when people looked at me they knew what had happened. They would know how weak I was and had been, how I had failed, how my marriage had just gone down the shitter and left me this broken mess where I was struggling to complete the most basic of tasks. Did these people know all of this when they looked at me? I doubted it, but why else would they look?

That wasn't the only thing that bothered me about tonight. Jacob bothered me, he had been too quiet over the last few days. His texts had all but stopped and I wondered what he was up to, surely he hadn't just given up? What if he was out tonight and saw me? He wouldn't think twice about coming over and starting trouble knowing it would completely ruin my night. What if I saw one of his friends, who no sooner had they seen me they would be on the phone to Jacob filling him in on my latest whereabouts. What if I saw a member of his family? Bumping into his mother the other day had been nothing short of a nightmare, she still looked at her son as the perfect little angel and I had wondered just what crap he had fed her, though she would believe everything he said. If he said the sky was fucking green she would believe him, I wonder how she would feel if I told her the real reason for the collapse of her son's marriage?

_Just why was I going again?_ I thought to myself as I heard the doorbell go.

Opening the door to Alice, her eyes scanned over me, I rolled my eyes at her and turned on my heel wondering why the girl was wearing a corset type top, surely those things aren't healthy? It looked good on her, the deep purple blended nicely against her white skin and her dark eyes and black hair, but still could she breathe in that thing?

"Jasper!" She exclaimed, a wide smile on her lips as her eyes sparkled at me. I looked down at what I was wearing. My effort tonight had gone as far as my favourite tight black jeans that Jacob had hated and black button down shirt, the colour really did reflect my mood.

"What? Don't Al, because I'm not changing. I like what I'm wearing." Her eyes ran up my body and stopped at my hair. My hair needed cutting, it had grown over by two inches or so past my chin. I had done something with it, it had some crap in it the barber had flogged me telling me it won't make my hair sticky but will keep the curls under control, it looked decent I guess.

"WOW! You know if you weren't gay I would so try and fuck you. You look good." Chuckling slightly I knew Alice was maybe going overboard here, I didn't look that good. I looked okay, but nothing out of the ordinary.

"Who says I would want to fuck you if I was straight?" I challenged, Alice rolled her eyes at me.

"Because my dear I was your first kiss and I know you love me, it only makes sense that if you were straight we would have gotten together." She spoke as though this was a fact. I wanted to laugh at the sheer idea of this, but I didn't. Instead I just stared at her wondering if my best friend had some sort of feelings towards me in that way. "Oh don't worry, Jazz, I don't wish you were straight or anything." She grinned and poured herself a glass of wine.

"Al?" I knew that Paul was giving us a lift into town and was waiting outside. That was his idea of making Alice move faster when they went anywhere. Alice was organised, but Alice could lose track of time when she got talking.

"What? Paul is alright for five minutes while I drink this." She grinned and took a long sip of her wine. "How are you feeling?" I simply shrugged at her. "Like that, huh?"

"Yeah, like that." I downed the rest of my wine hoping that the wine would kick in and rid myself of this nasty nauseous feeling that was currently turning in my stomach. The moment it hit my stomach it turned even more.

Why? Why was going out making me feel like this? He wasn't here anymore. He couldn't stop me, nor would he be waiting when I got home to hand out another one of his beatings for breaking rules. It had been weeks, almost two months since he left and yet I still obeyed his rules, still met up with him when he asked only to receive even more abuse and crap off him. Why was I having such a hard time of letting go of these rules, these chains that I had lived in for years? Why couldn't I let go of these chains that controlled me, that made me feel useless and weak, these chains that I hated?

I guess there was my answer to my own questions. I had lived confined to the rules for so long that I no longer knew anything else. I no longer knew how to live without them and as it had been so long these rules became second nature to me almost, like the normal routines we all go through. Following his rules was part of my everyday life, breaking out of them was like not washing or brushing my teeth. It felt unreal, it felt wrong and almost like I was committing some sort of sin.

The constant conflicted emotions I went through, the constant up and downs I was facing were wearing me out. Pretending to the outside world I was fine and alright was becoming too much to handle. It was hard to hear the streams of 'You're looking better, Jasper,' and 'Glad you're getting over it now.' It drained me to hear it, drained me to pretend to a point of where I wanted to scream that, no, I wasn't any fucking better and I certainly wasn't over the end of my marriage, but there was no point. These people just didn't understand, they didn't know the full picture of what I was going through or had been through, they just thought it was just another marriage ending like millions of them do every year.

Alice looked at me and frowned slightly. She knew my act, my masked face that was protecting the insides of me, or keeping everyone from seeing just how rotten and broken I truly was. I didn't know what the mask was covering now, it could be one of those two things or it could be a bit of both.

"Please try and have fun tonight, Jasper. You know if you can't hack it once we're out we can come back here, get food and have a drink. As long as you're happy." She smiled at me.

Happy? I didn't even recognise that emotion anymore. "I'll try, Al. Okay?" It was the fairest thing I could say to her. I knew she understood what I was going through. She understood better than most and I knew she was just trying to make me feel a tiny bit better, even if it was just for a few hours, but fun wasn't what I was looking for right now.

Polishing off the rest of the wine we began to slowly get our act together and head out to Paul, who had now been waiting outside for over an hour. Paul was a nice guy, he could be a little brash with you and tended to speak his mind a lot, but once he got to know you and you him he was a decent enough guy who adored Alice and her funny little ways. Paul had been slightly iffy when he first met me, Alice had told him all about me and that I was her best friend, understandably he was slightly concerned in having a boy as a best friend. Alice had left out that I was gay and he admitted to me that he first thought that there was something going on between Alice and me, he was very relieved to hear I was gay.

I understood his reasons, his thoughts behind it. If it had been me I would have had the same doubts too and would have been a little offish when it came to meeting them... Male pride with it's mine crap and all. "Hi Paul," I said as I entered the back of the car. Alice placed a kiss on her love's cheek and that pull returned. I tried not to look, I tried to think of something else, but all I could actually think about was I didn't have that special someone who would look at me with eyes so full of love and wanting.

"Hey Jazz, how's it all going? Has that dickhead been in touch lately?" Paul was one of very few who hadn't fallen for Jacob's charms and wonderful acts. Paul had hated him form the offset and considering it was a night when Jacob was actually nice and loving towards me I had wondered why. I still to this day don't know why Paul didn't like Jacob, but I was glad that he didn't jump on the poor Jacob band wagon that a few had done until they found out the real truth.

"Yeah, I'm not too bad, holding up I guess." Instinctively I looked down at the floor. It was another habit I couldn't shift, that had been drilled into me to make everything as less stressful as possible and to keep his lordship happy.

"Glad to hear you're holding up. It'll get better, you know?" Another line of words that made me feel sick to my stomach. Yes, I knew it would get better. Yes, I knew that one day I wouldn't feel like this, but that one day wasn't here yet and I was growing tired of hearing it.

Smiling I nodded to him knowing his eyes were on me in the rear view mirror, he meant well and that's what I had to remember. While the drive into town itself was short, it seemed to feel like forever while Alice ran through a list of pubs we were going to go to and the club she wanted to head to. There were a few gay clubs in the city center, all of which Alice had been to during different times of our friendship. She had her favourites, normally the ones that sold the Chocolate Vodka milkshakes, and she would run the list with me and let me pick, but tonight for some reason Alice had set it on Cube with no other option.

As we pulled up into the city center my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out a let out a sigh as I saw Jacob's name flash on the screen. Why now? Why fucking right now did he have to call me? It seemed like he had a built in sensor that I was going out and possibly could have a good time, that he had to call at the last second to bring down my already shit mood even lower.

"Who is it?" Alice asked turning in her seat to look at me. My eyes were already beginning to sting with tears as I turned my phone to show her, I don't think I could have answered her question if I tried to. "Jacob? What the hell does he want now?" She demanded to no one in particular.

"Tell that son of bitch to fuck off before I hunt the fucker down and give him a pasting he will never fucking forget, let's see how much he fucking likes it." Though I appreciated the words from him I couldn't help but cringe. If something like that ever happened Jacob would be at my door in a flash ready to unleash his fury on to me.

I was still scared of Jacob and what he could do, my fear of him was still very much inside of me and I still wanted to do everything not to upset him and trigger him off.

"Don't answer it, Jazz. Leave it alone and turn it off." My finger hovered over the red button to end the call as my mind raced with the shit I would have to endure if I didn't answer his call. "Jasper, he can't control you anymore." While that was true his hold over me was still in my mind.

Hitting the button to cut him off I prayed that this wouldn't have severe repercussions for ignoring him the way I had done. Holding the button my phone beeped and switched itself off. I let out a long sigh of relief feeling a little better for doing that. It was a small stand, but a stand nonetheless. "Good, now put it away and forget all about it, let's go have some fun." Alice chirped up before placing a kiss on Paul's cheek and climbing out of the car. I followed suit with a swift goodbye to Paul as I got out.

Alice grabbed my hand and began walking. It was dark already and a little cold as we headed towards a bar, I looked around the square, trying not to lift my head too much, which again was another habit that I still had from being with Jacob, and took in the sights around me. Groups of lads out on the town looking to get laid, groups of girls also doing the same but wearing very little. It was the beginning of March and it was still cold, yet these girls were wearing next to nothing. How could standing there with your arms around yourself trying to stay warm while shivering be a turn on? I saw mixed groups and couples. I looked down at mine and Alice's joined hands and realised we must have looked like a couple. It was just me and her out, none of our other friends had come, not that it mattered. I didn't think I could handle a large group of us, though the large group would give me a chance to hide away.

"Squares or Breeze?" Alice asked as we approached the two bars that were almost next to each other. I shrugged, I didn't mind either, not that I had been in there much. Jacob didn't like these bars, to him they weren't good places which was code for I like the sticky floors and the threat of a fight at any given second, which was associated with the lower end of the town.

"Um, Breeze?" I asked. Alice had made it clear that I was picking, she would stand here all night and wait for me to choose not wanting to make that choice for me, but allowing me to have the control to decide where we went. I knew what she was doing, or trying to. I had never been able to choose anything, not even what I had to drink when we came out. She was trying to show me that I could choose and that it's okay to do so.

"Breeze it is. It's always a little less busy in there, so good call." She grinned at me and dragged me towards the bar. Just like she said it would be, the bar was busy but not packed out. We would be able to sit and talk without standing and getting your drink knocked over you because people don't know how to walk and look at the same time.

The white walls with the blue neon lighting that was hidden by a slightly lowered centered roof gave the walls a rather fetching blueish tint. Trouble was the way the lighting was in here made me feel self conscious, like people were looking over at me, like they knew what had happened and how I shouldn't be out mixing with these people when I was just scum of the earth. Of course I knew that this was just some figment of my imagination and these people were merely casting their eyes to the new couple that had entered the bar, but this was how I felt. Alice seemed to sense my sudden nervousness and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as we made our way to the bar.

"Jazz?" She asked turning her body towards me. My head was still somewhat down and I heard Alice sigh as her fingers pushed my chin up. "He isn't here, Jasper. You're out with me, you don't need to have your eyes to the floor. No one is going to hurt you for looking around." I smiled rather weakly at her, trying not to sense eyes on me, eyes on us. "So drink? What ya having?"

"Um, Bacardi and coke?" It came out as a question, almost as though I was asking her for her permission to drink what I wanted. Alice rolled her eyes at me and turned her head to the bartender.

"Double Bacardi and coke and a Vodka and OJ." It didn't go unnoticed that she only ordered the double for me. "You need to loosen up, Jazz, I am determined to have a smile on your face and that head of yours up by the time the night is through." She paid the bartender as he came back with the drinks. "Now drink up." She passed me my glass making sure to the tip the two together. "Cheers."

Alice looked around and spotted a table over to the side near the corner, for her four foot nothing height she had managed to see over the crowd to the table. How I don't know, maybe she could look through people, it was the only explanation I could think of.

"You know Paul could have come in, he didn't have to wait outside." I told her as we sat down, Alice removed her jacket and placed it on the chair next to her. Crossing her legs she rested her wrist on her knee and held her glass.

"Yeah, but you know Paul, he thinks we talk too much and he doesn't want to hear the girlie chitter chatter." She laughed at her own words

"I would hardly say I'm girlie, gay yes, girlie no." I smirked trying to relax a little. "And it's you that does all the talking." She took another drink and smiled at me. Her eyes shone at me almost as if she was happy with the progress I was making tonight.

"You can mention him to me, the subject isn't off limits." She placed her hand on my knee and while I knew it wasn't off limits I didn't want to talk about him, to talk about the failed marriage I had suffered and how he never really loved me.

Sighing I dropped my eyes and looked at my hands. "Do you think I'll ever find anyone who will love me?" It was a question that had plague my mind over and over again. I wanted to know if there was someone, anyone, who would love me. Would there be someone who would be with me and want me for me and not wish to inflict control and abuse on me? I knew Alice or anyone else could tell me what I wanted to know, I knew Alice would say yes just like anyone else would. You're taught and made to believe that there is someone for everyone, what if that's not true?

"Jasper." She pulled her chair closer to me. "There is someone out there for you, you just have to find them, that's all." I nodded and downed the rest of my drink. It was such a shit answer, but the best answer she could give me and even though I wasn't filled the confidence I had hoped I would be I was glad I asked. "You're a nice guy, Jasper, you're loyal to the people you care about and you would do anything for your friends. He is out there, looking for you like you're looking for him and when you meet him, Jacob and this hell you're living in right now will become a distant memory."

"Hope so." I stood picking up my glass. "Another one?" She smiled at me and nodded her head.

Making my way to the bar I tried not to look at anyone, I didn't want to be seen or have any attention drawn to me. As I stood at the bar I smelt it, it hit my nose and made me feel sick. I felt my muscles tense up at the smell of it as it clouded through my body, my lungs filled with it and I found it hard to breathe. The smell wasn't overpowering, but it was enough to make me feel as though his hands were around my neck again. My eyes frantically scanned the room looking for him, trying to see where he was. My brain told me not to panic, to relax and know he wasn't here and that it was someone else wearing the same aftershave that Jacob wears. As my eyes scanned and re-scanned the room I started to relax knowing he was nowhere in sight. Taking a deep breath shaky breath I stood at the bar and waited to be served.

Ordering a shot of whiskey along with our drinks I knocked it back and walked back to the table. Alice's eyes were on me, she had watched the whole event unfold in front of her eyes. How much of a fucked up freak did I look now?

"What happened?" My hands shook slightly as I passed her drink to her desperately trying to calm myself down and get my heart beat under control. "Jazz, what's wrong? Answer me." Her voice was frantic while I just stared at her. I knew I would be alright in a minute I just needed to calm down and realise that my mind had just run away with itself.

How do I explain to her that the reason I freaked at the bar was because I smelt Jacob's aftershave? Something so tiny as that had reduced me to nothing in a matter of seconds, causing me to struggle to breathe and tense up as though I was expecting his fist to connect at any given second. If I told her this she would think I was completely and utterly insane and I would be locked up on the funny farm for the rest of my natural life.

"I'm okay, Al. I just freaked slightly." I took a sip of my drink with Alice's questioning eyes on me. "Someone just bumped into the back of me." As I spoke it I knew she wouldn't believe me, she would have seen everything and she knew I hadn't had someone bump into me. She would have seen me looking, frantically searching the room looking for Jacob.

"You sure?" She questioned, I nodded my head and looked around hoping she would drop it altogether now and leave it be, even though she knew I was lying. "Okay then." She let it slide with a look of 'we will come back to this later'.

The evening wore on, and the more I drank the more relaxed I became or so I thought. In reality my well designed mask was put firmly in place as I pretended to be someone else. Someone who wasn't completely fucked in the head, who wasn't a victim of an abusive relationship where their marriage had just ended. In truth, I had transformed into someone else. I laughed and joked with Alice as we walked from pub to pub, my head stayed up and I wasn't afraid to look around. The alcohol that was currently running through my system was having an added effect to my mask, to my great big pretence that I was alright.

As we made our way into Cube our roles had been reversed. No longer was Alice pulling me round with my head down like a child who didn't want to go, but instead it was me dragging her. During my little transformation I had become almost happy, almost free from the chains that had held me down and restricted my movements. I knew that this was only temporary, and come the morning I would wake with the realisation that this had been all an act and I was still as fucked as I was before. I was determined to enjoy the night while I was out and deal with everything else tomorrow.

By the time we entered the club it was packed out, the music was booming and the twinks were busy eyeing up their next fuck. Heading to the first port of call, the bar, we ordered a round of drinks. I had since lost count of the amount I had drunk or the shots I had knocked back, adding another one to the list wasn't going to hurt. As we leaned against the bar my eyes looked around the crowded dance floor, seeing just what was on offer. I noticed Alice looking at a couple almost hidden away in the corner busy making out and copping a good feel of each other.

"You know it's rude to stare." I slurred into her ear, Alice laughed at me throwing her head back.

"It's like free porn, Jazz, as if I'm not gonna watch and miss out on a free show, that's fucking hot!" I looked at Alice slightly confused by her sudden announcement. In all the years we had known each other Alice had never, not even once, let on that she found two men getting it on hot. "Don't look at me like that, you're gay, surely you get off to gay porn?"

"Yeah, but there's the key Al, I'm gay." Downing the rest of my drink I continued. "So what does it for you? What is it about gay porn that turns you on?" Alice flushed with embarrassment as I pressed on. "Come on Ally, out with it, you brought it up and if you have porn you better start sharing."

"I don't know, but two fucking hot men sucking each other off is a big turn on." She chuckled slightly. "Don't you dare tell Paul or I swear to God Jasper you will never have sex again!" I had to laugh at the seriousness of her voice. "As for the porn, I'll send you the files." She winked at me and turned her attention elsewhere.

Alice and I descended to the dance floor, as we walked down the small stairs I caught someone's eye. He was good looking, brown messy spiky hair, hazel eyes. A strong jaw line that I could already picture my lips moving along. He was tall, lean and muscular, at a guess I would say he was easily 6'1" or a little more, he looked a little shorter than me and I stood at 6'4". He flashed me a smile with a sweeping motion of his pink tongue across his full pouty lips. I bit back a groan as Alice tugged my arm.

"He's checking you out." _State the fucking obvious, Al_. I thought to myself as my eyes stayed fixed on the guy over to my right.

With Alice stating it to me all drunken confidence had suddenly disappeared. _Why was he looking at me? He must be wondering why I am in this club mixing with good looking people. He was gorgeous, while I was ugly and broken, maybe he just felt sorry me._ Convincing myself that was the case I pulled my eyes away from him seeing as there was no point in looking any longer. Taking Alice's hand I pulled her to the dance floor while she protested loudly in my ear.

"Jesus Jasper, that guy was checking you out. What are you doing?" I glared at her, hoping that she wasn't going to push this matter. I was drunk, but I wasn't stupid enough yet to tell her my reasons why I pulled my eyes away from him. Besides, with everything else that was going on in my life was fucking someone what I really wanted?

"Al, I'm having a good time, don't spoil this for me, okay?" She grinned widely at me, her eyes covered in a drunken haze. "What?" She pointed behind me almost bouncing with excitement on the spot. I laughed at her actions, she could easily bounce with her excitement right and no one would look at her in a strange way, she was fitting right in with the other dancers on the dance floor.

"He's coming over, talk to him, dance with him... Fuck, maybe even take him home and fuck him." I fought the urge to turn round and look at him making his way over to me. After all, there was no guarantee that he was heading over to me, though by the look on Alice's face she was convinced he was. "I'm gonna shoot over there and keep an eye on you, if you go home with him I'll talk to you tomorrow and you can tell me all about it." She pulled her arms around my neck and gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. "Remember safe sex." She giggled in my ear and drifted away leaving me feeling a little lost on the dance floor by myself.

Deciding I was just going to forget what Alice had said and convince myself that he wasn't heading over my way I continued to dance feeling Alice's eyes on me. She would soon see that he wasn't coming over and come back and if she didn't I would just go to her.

Hot breath hit my neck as I felt a body gently press against me. "Tell me that was a sister or a friend?" His voice was husky and deep, the lust was already settling in the back of his throat. I turned myself slowly around to meet the man the voice belonged to. His hazel eyes captured me on the spot, they were beautiful. A perfect oval shape that had the faintest flecks of gold around the edges of his hazel eyes. For a moment I just stood there staring at them, watching his pupils move, taking in the little flecks of gold, I was mesmerised by them. I don't think I had ever seen that colour before in someone's eyes.

Realising that my staring had been going on far too long I cleared my throat. "Alice? A friend, that's all." His eyes lit up at my words as he moved closer to me, closing the already close space a little more and turning it nonexistent.

"Drink?" He asked with a smirk on his full lips. "I'm Peter, by the way. Pete, Peter or P is fine." He took my hand and began to pull me off the dance floor. I saw Alice smiling at me as I passed, she winked and mouthed 'call me.' I rolled my eyes at her and sent a small wave her way.

"Um Jazz." I replied as we got to the bar. His eyes looked me up and down as his pink tongue swept across his lips. Smirking myself I leant forward and whispered in his ear. "I'm wondering what else you can do with that tongue." He chuckled and swept his tongue across his lips again.

"You might just find out." I moaned slightly at his words. It was out of character for me to be so forward, to be almost openly inviting this guy back to mine in so many words. But right now I wasn't me, I wasn't the same Jasper that left the house this evening with Alice. I wasn't the same Jasper who was rotten and broken on the inside, right now I was someone else. My mask was in place and I was actually believing who I was trying to be.

The alcohol was having a great effect on my confidence, it had removed my inhibitions and fears, allowing me to move forward and act whole and complete even if it was for one night alone. The fact that I had broken my character didn't shock me like I thought it might, the thought process of 'fuck it' was ringing true in my ear right now. I was drunk and I was horny and Peter was showing some interest in me, it was more than I had in months.

"Really, well how about we pass up the drinks then?" _Did those words just come out of my month? _Before I had the chance to even contemplate it his lips crashed on to mine.

Hard slightly rough lips crushed hard against my own, moving his lips against mine. His tongue pushed its way through and into my mouth. He tasted of beer and cigs, neither one of the tastes appealed to me, but that didn't matter right now. As our lips moved together he pressed me up against the bar. His hard cock pressed against my own as his hands gripped my ass.

"Move it away from the bar fella's." The bartender's voice broke us out of it. Our breaths slightly fast with lips parted I saw the lust darken his hazel eyes a little more.

"I'm gonna fuck you so hard." He murmured into my ear. "Yours or mine?" He asked as he bit his bottom lip.

"Mine." Was all I said as I took his hand and pulled him through the crowded club.

He was a top, not that it bothered me either way. Jacob always topped, but I had been somewhat hoping that he wasn't. With Jacob's demands and control I wanted to break away from that area and just once not feel as though I was being controlled by someone, that I could just be in control. That wasn't meant to be right now, I didn't know Peter and I didn't know if he was willing to switch, he had made his intentions very clear. Why should I push a subject that I don't really mind either way?

Outside the club the cold March air hit us, but I didn't feel it as he pushed me up against the wall and attacked my lips with his own. His hand ran down my stomach and towards my cock, palming me through my jeans as we kissed in an almost desperate fashion. As his fingers moved to the waistband of my jeans I felt him snap open the button. Grabbing his hand I stopped him from going any further.

"Not here." I smirked and placed a kiss on his already swollen lips. With hooded eyes and a lazy lust-filled smile he nodded. "Taxi?" I hailed as I flagged one down. "Come with me." I purred at him as I opened the taxi door.

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_Well this chapter was a lot lighter wasn't it? Jasper has actually gone out and let his hair down. I will be picking up from where I left off in the next chapter._

_Surely the happier chappter chould get a review huh? Take a minute and leave a review, send a girl some love, Jen x  
_


	8. Nothing You Can Do

**_AN/_**_Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. It amazes me and makes me so happy to see you guys sticking with this fic. I know its hard and its not the most lightest of fics out there so thank you so much for hanging in there and continuing to read it and review it. _

_This chapter kicked my ass, it drainned me and left me re-reading it and question it for the last two days before finally coming to update it. _

_Thank you to my wonderful Beta for working her magic and fixing my awful grammar, thanks to dtav for pre-reading this and telling me that it was fine and I hadn't gone off into lala land. Thanks to the girls who I have been WC'ing with, I seriously wouldn't have got this chapter done with it. _

_I have a recommendation for you all, go check out Dilmn8 new fic called Jungle, its Twilight meets True Blood. Go check it out!_

* * *

_**JPOV**_

While fumbling with the key in the door, his lips were on my neck, kissing and sucking hard on the delicate skin there. His hand palmed me roughly through my jeans as my erection sought desperate release from its confines. I moaned loudly as his fingers touched the skin on my abs before popping the button on my jeans and slipping his hand down the waistband.

The door finally opened as his cold hand touched my throbbing cock. Stumbling through the door I pulled his hand out of my jeans and pulled him to me. Our lips crashed against each others' in a tangled need. There wasn't the slightest hint of soft and gentle in the kiss, it was full of raw need to to get off, lust laced through the kiss as our hands grasped over one another's body. Items of clothing were being pulled off and undone as we slowly made our way towards the bedroom.

In the back of my mind I knew I would regret this. My inner voice was telling me that this wasn't what I really wanted, that cheap one night stands with zero connection wasn't my thing, yet I didn't stop. It didn't stop me from removing his shirt and running my fingers over his chest planes before pinching his nipples in between my thumb and index finger. I had thrown caution to the wind and let go. For the first time in a long time I felt wanted by a man, whatever thought I may have tomorrow when reality sets in and the alcohol has worn off I will deal with then.

Kneeling on the bed together our chests were touching, our lips moved in unison with each other. My hands felt their way down his body until I reached the waistband over his jeans. Undoing his belt and pulling it out of the loops my fingers popped the button and pulled down the zip. My lips broke apart from his to kiss along his jaw and down his neck. Working my way across his chest my tongue flicked across his right nipple as my hands pushed down his jeans and boxers freeing his cock from its prison.

Wrapping my hand around his hot throbbing cock I stroked him as I bit his nipple. "Just like that, baby..... Yeah, that's it." Peter groaned out as my hand worked his cock while my mouth moved across to his other nipple.

Peter slowly moved and leant back until he was lying down on the bed with me over him. My lips moved down the rest of his chest and over his stomach towards his cock that twitched in anticipation in my hand. Sliding down the bed until my head was positioned directly over his cock I continued to stroke him keeping my parted lips mere centimetres from his swollen red head that glistened with droplets of pre-cum.

Gently blowing my hot breath on his sensitive head my tongue darted out every now and then, flicking against his slit as I continued to stroke him. Picking my pace up I soon had Peter writhing underneath me as I continued to flick the tip of my tongue against him.

Peter let out a long line of curse words as his hands fisted the bedding tightly besides him. Slowing my strokes down my lips wrapped around the head giving him a hard suck. "Yeah..... baby.... suck my cock." Peter groaned out as he arched his back off the bed.

I gripped him tightly around the base of his cock as I swirled my tongue around the head. The tip of my tongue brushed around the rim before running the flat of my tongue up and across the head. I teased his slit with the tip of my tongue, flickering and dipping into it. Peter's moans became louder as I worked him.

Releasing him from my hand I ran my tongue from base to tip applying just a little bit of pressure and gave the top of his head another suck into my mouth and licked back down his shaft. Bringing my tongue back up I swirled it around his head before taking him in my mouth and slowly moving down. Relaxing my throat muscles I took him all the way feeling the head of his cock hit the back of my throat. I swallowed around him and hummed.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Peter cried loudly as his hips tried to thrust into my mouth. Hollowing my cheeks I slowly sucked up his length, my lips were wrapped tightly around him creating a tight vacuum. As my lips reached his sensitive head I began to move back down his length, this time lightly trailing my teeth across his shaft.

Peter was thrashing his head from side to side as his hand gripped into my hair. It was a movement that was so natural for someone to make when receiving head but for me it was hell. My mind swayed with Jacob and his hands, his controlling hands in my hair while I gave him head. Picking my pace up and bobbing up and down his length I tried to push the thoughts away, tried to stop the sick twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach and concentrate on Peter, but it was hard.

I wanted Peter to let go of my hair, it was ruining everything for me. Peter was here for one reason and that was to fuck. That was what I wanted in my horny drunken state, but if he didn't remove his hands from my hair I was likely to be sick and freak out.

_Calm down, Jasper, his hands aren't controlling you. _I tried to reason with myself as I continued to push Peter to his release, but his hold was still there in my hair. Having my hair tugged was one thing that I loved, but had come to loathe over the years. Peter wasn't to know this, he wasn't to know that his action was seriously screwing this up for me.

Becoming desperate I began to deep throat him with force, moving faster and faster down his length, letting him hit the back of my throat. My hand slipped down and began to play with his balls, gently rolling them between my fingers.

Peter's hands released from my hair and gripped the sheets tightly, his hips bucked as he cried out. Not wanting to make him cum so soon I slowed my movements back down, slowly pulling my lips up his cock.

"Oh fuck... yeah....." Peter moaned out as my tongue swirled around his head before my lips descended back down his shaft, going halfway down before bringing them back up. Gripping the base of his cock with my hand I continued to bob up and down, flicking between speeds of fast and slow while adding an up and downward twist with my hand.

Pretty soon Peter was panting and gasping loudly, thrashing his head around as I worked him to a point of ecstasy. My fingers trailed up and down his stomach and over his thighs before teasing his jewels. Pushing them up I rolled them before stopping and moving them back to his stomach. I knew it wouldn't be long until he came. Jacob had taught me well when it came to giving head.

As I felt his muscles begin to shake and his cock pulse I sped my actions up, this time adding a slight squeeze to his balls. "Shit.... Shit... Oh fuck... Oh fuck..." Peter cried out as his back arched off the bed and he shot his cum down my throat.

Slowing myself right down, my movements came almost to a stop as he rode out his orgasm. Feeling his cock begin to soften I released him from my mouth and gave his cock another lick from base to tip. Sitting back on my heels I was painfully hard and eager to get off. Peter sucked in deep breaths while he pushed himself up on his elbows, his face was covered in sweat and slightly flushed as he licked his lips.

"Fuck... That was... so good." A compliment on my giving head was not what I was looking for. I smiled unsure of what else to do. "Come here." It was a drunken slur of words that didn't even seem remotely appealing, but in my drunken haze I moved forward towards him and crashed my lips to his.

His kiss was hard and aggressive, nothing of anything I wanted to feel. It didn't make me feel wanted or needed, not even desired. The alcohol was beginning to wear off and the reality of what I was doing was kicking in. I wanted to push the thought away from my mind, wanted to go back to an hour ago where the alcohol was still going strong in my body and I wanted to fuck him, but I couldn't push it away. The thought lingered in my mind as Peter turned us around so he was on top of me. Kissing him back I could feel his growing arousal against my thigh through my jeans

Breaking away from the kiss Peter looked at me. "Lube? Condoms?" I pointed to the bedside drawer next to the bed. As I pointed Peter grabbed my wrist. "You're married?" He questioned, his eyes losing all trace of any form of lust. "I'm not getting involved in this. Where is he? Out at work while you pick up some guy?" I shook my head.

"No, Peter, no, you don't understand." I could feel the wounds inside of me tearing open and the mask falling off, slipping away from me and revealing what I was. Broken, damaged and no good. "Peter, please." I pleaded as he got off the bed and began looking for his clothes. _Fuck, this was turning into a nightmare._

"We're separated, it's completely over, I swear." He stopped and looked at me. "I... I just haven't gotten round to taking the ring off yet...... It's been there for so long, it feels weird not having it there." Even though we weren't together anymore he still fucked with me, still controlled my fucking life.

"Really? He's not about to come bursting through that door and fuck me over, is he?" His eyes darted to the bedroom door and back.

"Honestly, it's completely over." I sighed defeated. Even though I was having second thoughts about going through with this I did want it, and now it was taken away from me. "If you want to go I'll call you cab if you want." I began to move off the bed. Was I just wanting so much to feel wanted and needed? Even if it was just a drunken fuck that would mean nothing?

"No, I was kinda looking forward to having you on all fours while I drilled into you." He smirked and dropped his jeans back down. Crawling back over to me on the bed, he hooked his thumbs through my jean loops and pulled me towards him. "Let's get you out of these." He trailed a line of wet kisses down my chest and abs while he popped the button and pulled down the zipper.

A shiver went down my spine as I gave myself over to this moment. Worry about how I felt going through this could be pushed to one side and left alone for now. It had been a long time since I was last fucked, since I had gotten off in fact. Peter pushed my jeans down over my hips and ass along with my boxers. His lips trailed down toward my cock that was standing fully at attention, begging for his lips to seal themselves around it. I moaned as his lips kissed the top of my sensitive head where droplets of pre-cum had gathered.

"Get on all fours." Stepping out of my jeans I watched as he opened the drawer and pulled out a condom and the lube. I was a little disappointed that the only amount of foreplay I received was a kiss on the head of my cock..... I couldn't moan though, at least he was willing to fuck me.

Climbing on the bed I got onto all fours and waited for Peter to get behind me. Hearing the click of the lube bottle I tried to relax. It had been so, so long since I bottomed, even in the last few months of my relationship with Jacob I hadn't slept with him. Feeling slick fingers run down my ass crack I moaned having missed the feeling of this, his fingers slowly circled around my hole before he pushed one in. His finger moved in and out of my ass while I moaned and thrust my ass back at him, a second finger pushed inside me and I breathed deeply trying to relax myself enough.

It stung slightly as his fingers moved in and out before scissoring me wider. "Fuck, baby, you have not been fucked in a while." He almost seemed smug of that fact as he removed his fingers from me.

I heard the foil packet open and the click of the lube cap before I felt the tip of his cock run up and down my ass. Bracing myself I sucked in a few deep breaths as I felt him push slowly in me. Pain shot through me as he pushed past the tight ring of muscles, its burned and stung a little as he stilled himself for a few seconds before moving deeper into me. I moaned out more in pain than anything else, but Peter took it as pleasure.

"Yeah... Baby, feel my cock." He pushed a little harder again until he was fully seated inside of me. My breathing was ragged and hard as I worked to try and relax a little more. He began to slowly move in and out of me, moaning and grunting with each thrust. His fingers gripped my hips tightly urging me to relax a little more with him.

He pulled almost all the way out of me before slamming hard back into me and repeating it again and again. The pain began to subside as he brushed against my sweet spot making me moan loudly. "Is it there, baby?" He asked again with another forceful thrust into me, hitting the spot again.

"Y... Yes..." I moaned out. Peter began pulling my hips back to meet his thrusts which had picked up pace, fucking me harder and faster. Moaning loudly I heard Peter pant breathlessly behind me. Dropping to my forearms I changed the angle wanting to get off, wanting him to hit my spot over and over again. As his thrusts hit and rubbed it I became lost in pleasure. "Fuck... Peter..... fuck me harder."

The sounds of my moaning and his pants of air filled the room with skin slapping against each others'. My cock was hard and twitched, desperately wanting release. The feeling was slowly swelling in my stomach, but it wasn't coming fast enough for me, I needed to get off now.

"I'm fucking close.... so fucking close!" Peter cried in breathless pleas as he continued to fuck me harder and faster. Moving my arm I gripped my cock tightly in my hand and began to pump myself to the same speed of his thrusts. The feeling began to tighten in the pit of my stomach as I felt the pulse inside of me. "Shit... cumming." He cried. The sound was enough to send me over.

"Fuck!" I cried out as I shot my cum over my hand. The orgasm was anti-climatic, the release I so badly wanted wasn't there. Yes, I came, but it held nothing in it. It didn't make me feel great, or content, nor even happy, I just felt like shit.

Peter's hard heavy breathing above me made me feel sick, the alcohol was definitely wearing off now as he pulled out of me. Not even bothering to look at him I moved off the bed and grabbed my boxers and headed into the bathroom.

This was why I didn't do one night stands, this was why I stayed away from them. You fuck and then it's over, that bubble you're placed into while you're fucking suddenly pops and everything is a little awkward. There's no wonderful cuddle or a loving embrace afterwards, no wanting to feel closer to that person, there was zero connection other than the connection to fuck. In truth I felt like shit for it.

What was he going to do now? Stay? Go? I wasn't sure which one made me feel worse, the thought of having him staying here, sleeping in my bed next to me or the thought of him now just leaving. If he stayed that would mean the awkward feelings continuing and making me feel worse, if he left it would just speed the process up and I would feel cheap and dirty tonight instead of tomorrow morning.

Cleaning up I pulled up my boxers and headed back into the room. Peter stood with his boxers and jeans pulled up with the used condom in his hand. The sight of it made my stomach turn again. _You're so fucking dumb, Jasper, you knew you would regret this and the man isn't even out of your house yet! _

"Bathroom?" His tone was suddenly so cold and harsh. Confused I pointed towards the bathroom. "Thanks." He mumbled walking past me and out of the bedroom. I wondered if he felt slightly awkward now like I did. Opening the cabinet drawer I pulled out a pair of sweatpants and put them on, I was just pulling a T-shirt out when I heard the floorboards creak telling me that Peter had walked back in. Turning with the T-shirt in my hand I saw his look of disgust.

"Are you okay?" I asked, wondering why he would suddenly be looking at me like that.

"I'm not into that whipping and shit, that tying up crap and making each other bleed." Confused I pulled the T-shirt over my head and looked at him. _What the hell was he on about? _

"I don't understand?" Moving I walked over to the edge of the bed and sat down pulling my foot under my knee and wincing slightly as the pain shot through me. Peter snorted and pulled his arms through his shirt. _I guess that answers the question of staying._ I thought dryly to myself.

"The scars on your back, I saw them when I was fucking you..... they're fucking disgusting. Why on earth would you want to do that to yourself?" Scars? On my back?

"But I...." Realisation dawned on me, the times Jacob had whipped me with his belt had left its mark on me. I knew they were there, of course, but I didn't think they were that noticeable. What was I meant to say to him now? "It's not from that, well it is, but it's not what you think it is." _Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_

"You know what? I don't freaking care. Whatever you choose to do in your own time is your business not mine. I'm outta here." He finished off his buttons and began to pull on his shoes. "You were a crap shag anyway... thanks for the blow though." His words stung at me as the tears around my wounds began to open up and bleed fresh once again.

I watched him leave my bedroom and head down the stairs while I stayed rooted to the spot. The pain in my chest had paralyzed me, making it hard to breath. I don't think I was breathing, that function seemed to have turned itself off leaving me without air. The front door slammed shut and I suddenly sucked in a hard breath, my lungs burned as the new air filled me, giving me a slight head rush. My eyes stung with tears that were wanting to spill over, the mask had well and truly slipped off now. There was no stopping what happened next, just when I thought that even through my mask I was building some form of life everything crashed around me and ripped me wide open once again.

A strangled cry left my lips as I fell to my knees sobbing. All I wanted was to just feel wanted and needed, to just have that tiny little piece of happiness, even if it was drunken happiness, but I couldn't have that. God wouldn't allow me to have that happiness even for the shortest amount of time. Why though? Why couldn't I have this? This cheap, dirty feeling one night stand I couldn't have without being pulled down and left hurting and bleeding. Thousands of people all over the world do this same thing every weekend, sometimes more than once over the weekend. I was willing to bet some do it through the week as well. Did theirs end up like mine had? No, of course not.

Pulling myself off the floor I ran to the bathroom and threw up the contents of tonight's drinking. The acidic alcohol burned my throat as it came up making me gag and wretch again. The muscles in my stomach pulled painfully as I forced everything out of my system. I wanted it all gone, wanted tonight's events to be removed from me, to remove his words from my mind that were mixing with Jacob's. I needed to wash his touch off me, to try and feel clean when all I felt right now was dirty.

Wiping my mouth I sat back on my heels and took a few deep breaths trying to see if I was going to be sick again. My jaw trembled as the tears washed down my face. I didn't want to feel like this. I didn't want to feel like this weak poor excuse for a man I had become, but it didn't seem like the world and all its mysteries wanted me to feel anything but pain right now. My legs shook as I pulled myself off the floor and flicked the shower on, stripping off I climbed in.

My body felt weak, I felt weak and drained as the hot water washed over my skin. Picking up the shower puff and body wash I began to scrub my body, hard. Every inch of me was scrubbed and re-scrubbed until my skin was sore and red, even when I reached that point I still didn't feel clean. The dirty feeling still covered me like a thick immovable layer that coated me tightly, no matter how hard I scrubbed I couldn't get it to shift, not even for a second.

The hot water was now boiling as it cascaded down my red raw body and again I scrubbed. Layers of skin were being removed from my body and I was running the risk of bleeding if I didn't stop soon, but I wanted so badly to feel clean. Seeing the red marks form on my forearm from where I had scrubbed my skin so hard I stopped, the last thing I needed was to end up bleeding after scrubbing my skin off.

Killing the shower I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist. My eyes caught sight of my red skin and my stomach turned as I stopped in front of the mirror. Who would want me? I was dirty and damaged, broken to the core. Things like love and happiness didn't come to me. They didn't belong with me no matter how many times I tried so hard to tell myself that they did, that something, anything was out there for me that would give me what I craved the most, I never truly believed it. It wasn't as though I wanted much from this godforsaken life, I didn't ask for money or fancy overpriced clothes, nor did I ask for flashy cars and top of the range TV's.... I only wanted one thing. Love.

Shutting down my mind and my body I dragged my feet down the stairs of what was once my marital home with Jacob. I thought back to how happy I had been when we bought this place, how happy he seemed to be when we moved in. But even now, looking back at the past I see that Jacob wasn't happy. The way he disappeared with his mates the first night we moved in should have told me that he didn't give a flying fuck and wasn't the happy newlywed I was. Instead of us curling up together with a glass of wine watching some DVD with boxes around us like I had thought, I ended up ordering pizza and unpacking the boxes without him. I should have known then, I should have seen the signs, but I didn't. I didn't pay attention to what was written right there in front of me. Rose tinted glass were on and I believed every word he told me, every single thing he said I took on board and believed him, all because I craved and wanted love from him. I had truly believed that one day the love I felt for him, the love I gave him would be returned, but it never was...... Never, not even once.

Locking the front door I padded barefoot into the kitchen. Opening the freezer door I pulled out the bottle of vodka. I just needed something to numb the mind completely, to stop all this nonsense from creeping around my head like there was no tomorrow. I needed the memories from my past to stop coming to the forefront of my mind. The pain it was inflicting inside of me was something that right now I just couldn't handle. Flicking the vodka top on the counter I brought the cold glass rim to my lips and took a big drink of the freezing clear liquid, it burned my throat as it went down. Pulling it away from my lips I coughed, thumping my chest as the burning sensation continued all the way down.

"Fuck." I mumbled out as I tightened the bottle lid back around the cold glass. Placing it on the side I held the towel and walked back out of the kitchen flicking the light off as I went.

My skin was stinging as I made my way upstairs and into the bedroom. Entering the room my heart lay heavy in my chest as I took in the scene around me. The room smelt of sex, a smell I didn't want to have hit my nose which only brought on a fresh wave of sickness. Opening the window and letting the cold March air fill the bedroom I hoped it would remove the nasty smell that was currently lingering around, soaking into the bedding and the walls. I wondered how long I would have to smell this until it went, until I could lay in this room and not feel sick to my stomach. Climbing into bed I winced as my red raw skin rubbed against the bedding. I couldn't feel sorry for myself, I had done that. I had stood in the shower and scrubbed my body to the point of bleeding just to feel clean.

Closing my eyes I let the darkness consume me with hopes of it taking me away into some beautiful nightmare where I could feel happy and maybe loved, but those nightmares wouldn't hound me tonight. They wouldn't seep through the walls of my mind and allow me that. No, for tonight my mind had other things in order for me. Words and voices clouded my dreams, yet I couldn't pinpoint who it was coming from.

_Dirty_

_Disgusting_

_No good_

_Useless_

_Scum of the earth_

_No one will ever want you_

_You're mine, Jasper, don't forget that_

My sleep was restless as I tossed and turned throughout the night. The voices in my dreams slowly faded away until they left one thing, Jacob. Even in my dreams I couldn't escape the man that had caused me so much pain and heartache. My mind pulled up memories of past beatings, of his hands around my throat, squeezing the life out of me with black dead eyes while he told me what I was and how weak I had become. Even in my dreams I begged and pleaded for him to leave me alone, for him to let go of me and stop the abuse he was inflicting on me, but just like in reality he never did. The words continued, the punches to my body continued, and the feeling of utter self worthlessness continued until I woke up screaming.

With my chest heaving hard I tried to suck in large amounts of air while trying calm myself down. My body was covered in sweat as the tears fell from my eyes. Wiping my face I told myself over and over again that it was just a bad dream, that he couldn't hurt me anymore, that what I dreamed wasn't real. But it was. Everything had been real, my mind had played me a memory for a dream, something so twisted that experiencing it once wasn't enough, living through it wasn't good enough, my mind wanted me to suffer more and more.

Resting my wrists on my knees I looked at the time. It was a little past nine in the morning, but it could have been just turned four for all the sleep I had. The dream and the events of last night continued to lap around me like a black cloud, pulling me, drawing me towards it, wanting me to sink into the depression that sat waiting for me. I could already feeling it taking its hold over me and right now I didn't have the strength to fight against it, nor to try and outrun it. I would accept it if it came, I would let the black cloud overshadow me and feel all it gave.

My mood was dark and dull as I climbed out of bed, my skin was still red in places from where I had scrubbed my body, but I didn't care. Why should I? What did I have that should make me care? I wasn't living. Living implies being happy and content with ones self, it implies that you're in a state of normality where nothing haunts you to the point of screaming in the night wishing for something better than you have. Living is something you enjoy and not having a black cloud weighing you down. What I was doing was just existing, nothing more. I went through the motions of life, from showering to eating, to talking and working, but I was so disconnected from the world, from the human race. Even Alice who had been nothing but amazing to me was away from me, she couldn't reach me or pull me back into the world in which she lives in. I was alone. Completely alone.

Despite my skin being as sore and as red as it was I took another shower, a cold one this time in the hopes that the cold water would soothe my sore skin. Coming out of the shower and drying off I headed back into the bedroom, I saw the little red light flashing on my phone. Inwardly I groaned, it was either going to be Alice or Jacob. I hoped that someone up there just this once would let it not be Jacob. Picking up my phone I saw the message from Alice wanting to know how last night went after I left the club. What could I actually say to her? She wouldn't want to hear the truth, but I could hardly lie and tell her that last night's events led me to scrub my skin raw in the shower whilst my body rocked with pain. That wasn't something she wanted to know, she would be expecting something like 'Wow, it was amazing, and I'm so glad I went out with you last night.' Which while I was glad I did I wouldn't call the end amazing.

Throwing the phone back on the side I changed figuring I would deal with Alice later. Now was not the time, my mood was heavy and hard and the last thing I needed was her happy stupid voice in my ear. Changing into a pair of jeans and a hoodie I realised the weight I had lost in the weeks I had been apart from Jacob. The jeans that used to fit me well were hanging off me now to a point where I needed a belt to keep them up. Not dwelling on what my mental mindset was doing to my body I grabbed my phone and headed down the stairs.

The house seemed to close in around me or feel twice as big that I rattled around in it, and today was no different. The walls almost seemed like they were moving, getting closer and closer to me making it hard to breath. I needed to get out of here. It didn't matter which way around it went, whether it was closing in or twice the size I found it so hard to stay. Grabbing my car keys off the side I headed to the front door. The only place I could think of to go was my parents. I hadn't been there in so long, I felt bad for it. They had bailed me out of trouble, out of being in serious debt and I had repaid them by not turning up there at all.

I found it hard to see them, knowing they wanted answers, knowing it was only a matter of time until they sat me under the parent lamp and demanded to know the full extent of my marriage, my relationship with Jacob. How do you begin to tell your parents that the man you married not only beat you down both psychically and mentally, but also tried to kill you or more then one occasion? Were my parents really ready to hear what happened to their son? Was I even ready to speak about it? So far I hadn't really told anyone. Yeah, I had mentioned things to Alice, but I hadn't gone into detail with her. Those were things I wasn't sure I ever wanted anyone to know.

Opening the door the damp cold air hit me waking up my mind and for a few seconds allowing the chains I was forever in to be broken. Closing my eyes as the front door slammed shut behind me I sucked in a deep breath, letting the chilly air fill my lungs.

"Where is he?" I froze hearing his voice. The sneering sound hit my ears making me feel sick. My eyes snapped open to see Jacob walking across the the street towards me. Moving quickly towards my car I hoped that I would make it before he reached me.

"I know you left that club with some guy, Jasper." He was at my car before I reached it blocking my path. "Where is he?" He seethed again, grabbing me and pushing me up against the car.

"Who?" My voice shook as I spoke. I just wanted him to let me go, to leave me alone. "Please Jacob, let me go.... you're hurting me." His grip on my arm tightened.

"Don't play dumb with me. You were seen leaving with him, seen on the street all over another man. Now answer me!" He growled at me. His face just inches away from mine, full of hatred and anger.

"He's not here, Jacob." I pulled my arm away from his grasp hurting myself in the process. "He left late last night, now just go." There, you have your information.

He grabbed me again and this time his grip was like steel. "So you did bring him home! Did you fuck him? Did you?" He demanded. I could actually see the red blades of fire flickering through his eyes.

"Yes." I whispered as the cheap and dirty feeling washed over me again.

"What!" His face was priceless, he hadn't expected to hear it that was for sure, maybe he thought I wouldn't go through with it.

"You heard me!" I screamed back. "I brought him back and he fucked me, there is nothing you can do about that Jacob." His grip slackened just enough that I was able to pull my arm away from him.

"Is that so? Are you forgetting who you belong to, Jasper? Maybe I should remind you."

"What? What are you going to do? Hit me again? Beat me 'til I'm left a bloody mess on the floor? Whip me with your belt? Maybe you might try the knife again or push me down the stairs, better still tie me down and force yourself on me against my will." I seethed. "There is nothing you can do to me that you haven't already done. Just go." Unlocking the door I was aware of the onlookers who were busy watching the scene that unfolded.

"I'm not done with you, Jasper." He snarled at me in a hushed stern tone as I opened the car door.

"Really? I am." Slamming the door my fingers fumbled to start the engine. All I wanted to do was go, to get away from here, away from him. The engine finally kicked into life as I pulled it into gear and floored it out of there.

My body was trembling as my mind replayed Jacob lying in wait for me. How long had he been there waiting for me or anyone to leave the house? What if Peter had stayed? What if things had turned out so differently than they did last night? What would he have done if Peter had been leaving the house with me this morning? The thought didn't bear thinking about. He could have done anything, he would have done anything and from the look on his face he was possibly expecting someone to leave with me. Was this how it was always going to be for me? For him to know my every movement, my every whereabouts? I didn't think I could handle that, to have him always know where I was and what I was doing and who I was doing it with.

Without really thinking about it I arrived at my parents' house. The tears were already flowing down my face and I hated it, hated that all I ever seemed to do was cry over what had happened, of what I had suffered and the pain I had felt. I wanted to find that day, that time where these tears would stop falling and I could live, live a life where I wasn't surrounded in pain where it was too hard for me to even breath.

My parents' front door opened as I got out and walked on shaking legs towards my mum. The tremors that rippled through me wouldn't stop just like the tears. Before I reached the door my mother's arms were around me, pulling me close to her and covering me with her love.

"Sweetheart, what's happened?" She asked. All I could do was bury my face in the crook of her neck and cry harder. God, I felt weak and worthless, a fully grown man reduced to crying on his mother's shoulders.

"Get him inside." I heard my father's concerned voice. "We want the truth Jasper, from you, all of it this time."

Pulling away from my mother's embrace I looked up at my father and simply nodded. "You won't like what I have to say." And who would? What parent is going to want to know the full story of what their child has been through.

"It will at least make you feel better to get it off your chest, son, holding it inside won't make you feel any better. Come on in." My father reached out his arm to me and rubbed my back as I passed. Taking in a shaky breath I knew he was right, carrying this around with me wasn't helping me or anyone. But would telling my parent's be the best thing to do? To lay it all out on the table for all to see.

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_Please hit the review button and send some love, reviews are like hugs and after this kicked my ass I could do with a few, Jen x_


	9. To be carefree

_**AN/** Hi guys! Thank you so much for all the reviews I got for the last chapter it really does make such a huge difference when writing something as draining as this to know that I have fans that are sticking with it!_

_Slowly we are getting there which mean a certain someone will soon be arriving, and no, before you ask its not this chapter or the next one. But it is soon, were closer now then we have been. _

_A big thank you to my beta Ealasaid77 for going in and making this readable and sorting out my grammar, thank you to my prereader, dtav for going in and making sure I'm not jumping around too much and its flowing._

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_**JPOV**__**  
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**_The sounds of my mother's sobs echoed around the kitchen. She tried hard to contain it, to keep them down to nothing but a sniffle, but it hadn't worked. The moment I began to tell them, to go into depth about the hell I had lived in she couldn't hold back. Her hands had turned white, deathly white, as she gripped my hands in hers. I felt bad, sorry and heartbroken for causing my mother this pain, for airing it all out and letting them know just what had happened. I was her son, and it didn't matter what age I became she would always look at me as her little boy who needed looking after.

I had held nothing back, nothing was kept back from them, as I poured it all out for them to hear. I told them every detail of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my husband, at the hands of someone I trusted and chose to spend my life with. The tears fell from my eyes as I recalled every beating I took, every time I was left in pain on the floor blood pouring out of me, the times I had to lock myself away in the bathroom to escape him, the times he knocked me out or forced himself upon me. Pain washed over me in waves as everything inside of me tore open. I found it hard to breathe as I admitted just how pathetic my life truly was, how weak I was to stand by him and put up with it, how I felt completely alone in the world even in a room full of people. I was ashamed to actually say these things, for them to hear what I had endured, what I still continue to endure even though we are no longer together. My dad hardly said a word throughout it. He sat on the chair at the table, his hands clasped in front of him, staring aimlessly at them while I opened up to everything.

Sucking in a deep breath I tried to stop the pain that was ripping through me, squeezing the life out of me, restricting the air from flowing into my lungs. My eyes stung as the hot big salty tears ran down my face almost burning my already sore skin. The room seemed to stop, no one seemed to be willing to make the first move and say something. The ticking of the clock that was hanging on the wall was getting louder and louder slowly driving me insane. I wanted them to say something, I needed them to do something other than nothing, but I knew that they had to process this information fully before they could utter a single word. As the clock ticked on with every second passing I began to feel as though I shouldn't have said anything, that I should have kept this to myself and not mentioned a single thing. Were they disgusted in me? Disgusted that their son had turned out this way and not become the man they had hoped?

My dad released a breath, slow and long as though he was emptying everything out of him before he raised himself off the seat and placed a strong hand on my shoulder. With a firm squeeze he said "I'm going to kill him," before picking up the small phone book that sat nestled behind the phone in the kitchen and walking off.

My head shot round to him watching as he walked into the living room from the kitchen. I tried to make sense of what he had said, he couldn't go and do that, he just couldn't. If he did, if he so much as even attempted to have words with Jacob it was going to make my life so much harder than it already was, couldn't he see that?

"Dad?" My voice croaked slightly as I tried to clear it. "You'll make this worse for me, please don't do this." He snorted at me with the cordless phone in his hand from the living room.

"You expect me to do nothing? After hearing what my son has just gone through you want me to sit back down and do nothing?" He shot at me making me cringe at his tone. "I will not let this go, Jasper." My mother's arms wrapped around me as I sobbed.

"Please.... please don't." I begged.

"Jasper, do you realize how much it's taking for me to just hold it together right now and not hunt the little bastard down right now?" He sighed and walked closer to me dropping the phone and mini phone book on the table and bending down. "You're my son, Jasper, despite the stupid mistakes you have made in your life I love you and I won't let some bastard hurt you like this and get away with it. He beat you, Jasper." I cried harder hearing his words as I turned around into my mother. I knew he was just trying to protect me, just trying to do the right thing and look after me, but going after Jacob wasn't going to solve anything. It would make him and his brothers just the same as Jacob.

"John, leave it for now, let the dust settle a little." My mother reasoned to my father with a cracking voice, thick with the tears she had shed. "Jasper doesn't need this right now." She rubbed my back while I felt like a child instead of adult.

This was what I had been reduced to, to crying in my mother's arms while she rocked me gently as though I was a little boy. How weak did I feel right now knowing that my life had just been laid out on the table for all to see? I was unmistakable now, faulty and damaged goods, a weak pathetic excuse for a man. How could I be anything like a man for being placed and staying in a relationship like I had? Years I stayed, allowed him to control me and work me down to nothing and for what? What had I really wanted to gain from it? The one thing I never truly could have, the one thing I always seemed to miss out on, that feeling of love. It sounds stupid that I stayed because all I wanted was love, but it was true. I wanted him to love me, wanted him to want me, to be desired by another, was it so much to ask?

"Jasper?" I buried my face further into my mother's neck as I heard my father's voice ring through the silent kitchen. "Here, drink this, you need it." Lifting my face just fractionally up I saw my father holding a small tumbler glass with a large measure of whiskey inside.

Pulling my tear soaked, snot ridden face away from my mother's warm, soft loving embrace I took the glass off my father. It was just gone half ten in the morning and I had been offered a shot of whiskey. If it had of been any other day, any other time I would have turned it down, but I didn't, not this time. Bringing the cool rusty coloured liquid to my lips I downed the shot in one sip. It burned as it slid down my throat making me cough slightly. Looking at my mother, her face red and puffy from the tears, I saw her drinking the same liquid. She never drank the stuff, she had always hated it; but I guess hearing what your son had been through, the hell in which was my married life caused her to, like me, accept the drink.

"Here." My dad refilled the glass with shaking hands. "Jasper..." He shook his head as the tears formed in my father's eyes. I never saw my dad cry. He was unlike me and mum in that way. His emotions never seemed to get the better of him, whereas both my mother and I could cry at a sappy film on TV.

I watched as my father walked out the back door and sat down on the bench outside, the same spot he always sat when he went outside. Turning to look at my mother she smiled weakly at me and rose from her seat. "I'll make you something to eat, Jasper."

Sighing I rose from my chair and opened the back door. My father sat with his head tilted up towards the early March sun, it seemed spring was finally on its way at long last. A packet of gold Benson and Hedges sat on the small round metal table, a lit one hanging from his fingers, the ash about ready to drop. Walking closer to him I picked the packet up and took out the long white smoke and lighter. Bringing it to my lips I lit it and inhaled deeply.

"You shouldn't be smoking son, I thought you had knocked it on the head?" He asked as I sat myself down next to him and stretched my legs out, crossing my ankles.

"Yeah.... I've hardly smoked since the break up." I looked down at the smoke burning away. Watching as the grayish blue smoke rose up from the hot tip into the air. "I'm sorry, dad." I whispered out, sorry I had to tell them what I had been through, for them to know what a failure I truly was.

His arm came around my shoulders pulling me to him. "Don't you dare say sorry, none of this is your fault. I just wish you had told me sooner." The clear almost crystal like tears rolled down my father's cheeks causing the pain in my chest to tighten more. "I feel as though I failed as a father, Jasper." I snorted. How could he think that?

My parents had been there for me, always there for me. They were so supportive to me when I came out of the closet to them. Yes, they were shocked, but instead of disowning me or trying to make me change, they embraced the person I was and accepted the fact that it would be another man joining us for Sunday dinner and not another woman.

"How have you failed? You have been nothing but supportive to me throughout my life, even when I chose to marry Jacob." I cringed saying his name wishing that I could go back and redo everything all over again. How I wish I had never married him.

"Jasper, when you're a father you do everything to make sure your child is safe and protected. Knowing that you were in that sort of relationship has made me feel sick, to know that I couldn't protect my son from that hell and make sure you were safe and loved has caused me a great deal of pain. One day if you ever have a child of your own, Jasper, you will know what I'm talking about." He flicked the ash and took a long drag. "I know I never really liked him. I never thought he was right for you, but I never thought he would treat you this way. If only I had known sooner."

"But it wouldn't have changed anything. Me leaving had to be done when I was ready to go, dad. If you knew before, not only would it make me feel worse, but you would have pressured me into leaving. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, it's just...." I trailed off as a fresh wave of tears hit me again.

Wiping my face I tried so hard not to feel like a disappointment to him. I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't want to sit and look at my life the way others saw it and know not only was I a disappointment but a failure as well. As the sobs gently shook my shoulders my father rubbed my back, offering me some comfort in my life that was covered by darkness. My mind filtered back to last night and Peter. I hated what I had done last night, how I chose to bring someone home with me only to be kicked down again. A fresh wave of stomach turning sickness hit me again as I thought about his hands on me. I should have known better than to go off and sleep with some random guy, a ten minute fuck that left me feeling empty and used.

Pulling me into his arms, I received a tight hug. "He's out there, Jasper, you'll find each other one day." I sobbed harder. Yeah right, there wasn't anyone out there for me, only someone who wanted to treat me worse than a dog.

"There isn't." I whispered. "I'm not good enough, dad, to receive anybody's love." He pulled me away from him and looked at me, his face turning all serious.

"Yes, there is, everybody deserves love. What honestly makes you think you're any different to the rest of us?" I shook my head away and opened up the packet of smokes. Lighting one up I wanted to laugh. Wasn't it every parent's job to tell their child that they were beautiful and great?

"Dad, I'm not stupid and I know what I am. I'm not -" He cut me off.

"Just what has that bastard filled your head with? Whatever he said to you, whatever he made you believe please forget it son. He was telling you lies, none of it was true." I shrugged my shoulders. There was no point in arguing with him over this, he was my father and he had a different look on life. I knew I wasn't beautiful or good looking, I hardly made it past alright looking. I would always be looked at as something to just fuck but never anything more.

The silence fell between us. I would be lying if I said it wasn't slightly uncomfortable. I knew what my father was thinking of, what was circling around his head. Everything I told them, what I laid out for them to hear was running a million miles an hour through his head. I was pretty sure he was also trying to pinpoint where he could have seen it and stopped it, but that was pointless. He would only be beating himself up over it to think that way.

Jacob had been good with this. He had played his hand perfectly. Everyone knew he was this lovable, caring guy who loved me. He led everyone on to a point where I would be told how lucky I was to have him. It was hardly luck that I had him, bad luck maybe, but good? No. Never good luck. Hearing people tell me how lucky I was, I wanted to laugh. Yes, at first, in the beginning when I was so in love with him and adored every inch of his body I would smile widely and lay my eyes on him, agree with whoever that I was lucky because despite what he did to me I saw no wrong. Over time that changed. Over time I wised up and fell out of love with him. When people told me how lucky I was, I wouldn't laugh, even though it was the first thing I wanted to do. I'd nod slightly in agreement and move away from that person.

I guess way back in the beginning when I saw no wrong I believed that this was how a relationship worked. You argued, they became jealous,, you would come to blows. I knew nothing else. I was just seventeen when we got together. How was I suppose to know that this wasn't how a relationship worked? There are no books on this, no leaflets that get given out when you start a relationship for the very first time. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, do you? It was a stupid mindset to have, to stupidly believe that this was normal when it wasn't. How I wish I knew at the start how this would have turned out. I would have never agreed to that second date, never agreed for him to get back in my life after two months of dating when I tried to end it.

So many times I had the chance to walk away, so many times the door was wide open but I chose to stay, chose to be with him. That very first year the times he tried to end it with me, yet I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me, to forgive me for what I had done. I wish I had let him finish with me, but knowing what I know now it wouldn't have marked the end of our relationship. Jacob was after all just testing his hold of me, to see how dependent I was on him, how much of his bullshit I had bought into. Too fucking much bullshit.

The day passed by in some awkward state. My parents were almost tip-toeing around me as though I would break at the slightest hint of my past. They walked on egg shells around me, almost pitying me for what had happened. I wanted to scream at them for treating me like this, for them to pussy foot theiir way around me and stay with safe subjects like the weather. I wouldn't break if they mentioned it. I wouldn't break if they told me something that could possibly relate to my past with Jacob. They didn't need to act this way with me. They didn't need to watch what they said in case it upset me, It wasn't how I wanted to be treated. I didn't want their pity either. Me being with Jacob had been my own choice, not theirs. They didn't force me into the relationship or hold me at knife point to be with him, so why they felt the need to pity me was beyond me.

Yet I understood why they were doing this. They had just had the full picture painted for them, the gray areas had been coloured in. All that they might have suspected was suddenly confirmed for them. This was their way of dealing with it while they processed everything I told them. I wasn't sure how they would handle it if they happened to mention it themselves. Would my mother break down again in floods of tears knowing what her child had lived through? Would my father turn to his brothers and want to seek out some form of revenge on Jacob?

That thought alone bothered me.

My dad was one of three bothers. All of them were loyal to each other, to the family in general. They didn't see each other more than a handful of times a year, but it didn't matter if they needed each other they were there in a heartbeat. Uncle Bob was the oldest out of the brothers and also the one who basically didn't care what happened to him. He had been inside many times for one thing or another, and wouldn't think twice about beating a guy to almost death if he hurt one of his own. All it would take would be one phone call from my dad to Uncle Bob and Jacob would be placed on baby food for a long time. While the thought of that happening to Jacob made me smile it was also something I didn't want. Bob had grandchildren no., He had settled his life down and I didn't want to see him going to prison because of me. It wouldn't be fair to bring in a whole load of other people into this mess that happens to be my life. In some ways I was still protecting Jacob, making sure he was alright and wasn't about to get hurt. I guess part of me still hadn't let him go fully.

The time came where I was feeling slightly smothered by my mother. I had spent all day here, and as much as I loved them and didn't want to be on my own, the uncomfortable tip-toeing around me was starting to get on my nerves. On top of that, my mother kept asking me every five minutes if I was okay. No, I wasn't okay, I was very far from being okay and I highly doubted right now I would ever be okay again. Of course when she asked I smiled and nodded. I had done enough damage for one day, caused enough pain for my parents to feel for one day without adding that no, I wasn't okay.

Pulling my phone out I turned it on. It beeped into life and my inboxes flooded with both emails and texts from Alice. I would have to face her soon, I couldn't keep avoiding her for too long, she would soon turn up and demand to know why I have just blanked her the way I have. Alice would want to know what happened last night. She would want to know the full details in the hopes that last night hadn't been a complete disaster. Not even opening them or scrolling through the ten texts, I deleted them all, no doubt Jacob's name would be in there. I didn't want to see his name or read his text, I hardly wanted to even hear his name leave someone else's lips. What I wanted to do was forget. Forget my problems and the life that I currently had, I wanted to chill out and not feel so wound up all the time. I wanted to feel like me again.

_"Long time no see, are you free? Looking for a ten and a chill out?" _Hit send to Adam I waited for his reply.

"Are you off?" My mother asked while I spun my car keys around my hand. Her face fell when I nodded slightly at her. I knew she didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stay. Staying here any longer, it was suffocating me, almost sucking the life out of me. I was ashamed, embarrassed at what I told them, it was weighing on me too much now that if I didn't leave the atmosphere in here would pull me under even more.

"Yeah, I may nip and see Adam, mum." Her face lit up when I mentioned his name. I had no idea what my mother's thing over Adam was. He wasn't gay, so it wasn't as though she hoped for us ever getting it on.

"You haven't seen him in a while have you?" I shook my head. The only reason I hadn't seen Adam in a long time was because I had stopped smoking weed. Of course my mum didn't know that.  
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"Sure bud, head on over."_

Receiving the text back from Adam I pulled my jacket on. "I'll see you later." I gave my mum a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I began to head towards the door with my parent's following me.

"Take care of yourself son, and you know where we are." I nodded at my dad's words, just wanting to go now.

They wouldn't understand how I was feeling, the shame I was carrying around with me after unloading it all to them. Unloading all my troubles to them hadn't really made me feel any better, I still felt like shit, still had that same feeling of worthlessness surrounding me. The only difference being was that I now felt slightly lighter, not so weighed down in my emotions, like I wasn't trying to walk though thick unmoving mud but instead murky water. Unloading it all did bring something, it brought the shame and embarrassment more to the surface, I could feel the shame more now then ever. It was shameful to admit what had happened, what I had allowed to happen and continued to happen. I could only hope that this feeling of shame would leave me at some point.

"Yeah, I know." I replied clicking the button and unlocking my car.

Waving as I pulled off the drive, I felt heavier now than I did five minutes ago. The thought that I would soon have to go home to that house was floating around in the back of my mind, causing the loneliness to surface its head once again. Having to sleep in that room, that room that last night ripped apart the fragile healing that was taking place, the healing that was slowly, painfully slow sticking back together again, was a nightmare. The weeks of trying to hold myself together to keep the pain from becoming too much had gone. Last night, this morning had tore all the hard work I had put in. I didn't have the strength to try and keep my head above water any longer, instead I chose to let it come, for it to cover me from head to toe, let it be there while I blocked it all out, complete all out.

I wanted to feel free, to feel as though I didn't have a care in the world. So long I had carried my troubles, let my emotions wear me down that I no longer knew what it was like to just forget, to just be able to feel nothing, to be able to float through the clouds that cover the blue sky on a summer's day, white, light and fluffy with not one single care in the world. To just be free, free as a bird that has no chains to hold it down and keep it confined to this hell. How I wanted that, how I needed that, that release to feel nothing, to not have the energy to care about anything other then that moment in time.

Pulling up outside Adam''s, I got out and headed through the metal gates at the side of the house knowing that Adam would be either in the kitchen or sitting out in the garden. The gates clanked and banged as I closed them behind me. Sucking in a breath I passed the small kitchen window that sat at the side of the house and rounded the corner to the back door. Sure enough Adam was in the kitchen two cups sitting in front of the kettle that was boiling. I smiled at Adam as I walked in, leaning against the counter the small clear bag full of green sitting on the side waiting for me.

"It's been a while since you called for a ten and chill bud, things that bad?" Adam was a down to earth guy, smoked too much weed and was always in some state of mud, but he was easy to talk to and even better to laugh with.

"Yeah, pretty much." Picking up the bag I tossed the tenner on the side. "Cheers." Opening the bag I smelled the wonderful weed with a smile on my lips. This was what I needed, this was what was going to make me forget. Pulling out a fresh packet of fags and a packet of Rizla. "Can I skin up in here?"

"Sure, my ma is out so it's cool bub. Take it you're wanting a coffee?" He asked as he poured the boiling hot water into the mugs. "Menthol's? Jazz, what the fuck?" I chuckled sprinkling a thin line of weed inside the L shaped Rizla.

"It's not so harsh on the throat, bub." I snickered at him as I lined the Rizla with tobacco before rolling it between my fingers and licking the thin sticky line to steal it.

"What happened to you not smoking this shit anymore?" I shrugged my shoulders at him. I just wanted to forget and not feel the fucking weight of it on me anymore, even for just a few short hours.

"You ready?" I twirled the end of the joint in my fingers as I picked up the coffee and walked out the back door. Heading towards the garden I sat down in the chilly March air as the sky began to darken.

Placing the joint between my lips I snapped the end off and lit it. Inhaling the weed deep into my lungs I could feel myself relaxing, my muscles un-knotting and evening themselves out, the tension in my body slowly beginning to slip away. My eyes stayed closed as I continued to inhale deeply, feeling it slightly burn my throat as it went down. I didn't care for the pain it caused, I just wanted the wonderful green stuff to make me feel numb, to make my brain stop thinking and worrying, for my emotions to just stop.

Feeling the chemical rush towards my head I smiled, willing it to turn my thoughts into mush, ready to embrace its high with open arms. I was ready for it to cloud every part of me, every fiber in my being and just let me be free.

As I blew the smoke out in the long white lines I slowly opened my eyes and smiled as the fuzzy captured my entire body and passed the joint to Adam. "Jesus,, Jazz, are you alright?"

"I just want to forget." I whispered out before taking a long drink of my coffee . "All those years, all that crap, gone."

"Do you regret marrying him?" He asked. I snickered in response to him while thinking of the answer. I guess I should say yes, but I didn't actually regret it. When I married him I did love him, I did want him to be mine forever and I stood and took those vows meaning every single one of them. Part of me really and truly wishes that I did regret marrying him, but I couldn't honestly stand there with a hand on my heart and swear that I did.

"No, because I did love him." Adam passed the joint back to me as I laid down on the grass and looked up at the dark evening sky. "I may not love him anymore, but it still hurts to know my marriage has failed." Adam didn't know the full details of my marriage to Jake. He didn't know what had happened. All he knew was that the marriage had failed and we had gone our different ways.

It was nice to be able to talk about it to him without the questions of abuse hanging in the air. Adam wouldn't ask too many questions about the break up. He would skim across the edges and move onto something else.

"Sorry bub. You gonna take your time before getting back in the dating game?" I rested my hand behind my head and took another deep drag of the joint.

Blowing the smoke out I sighed. "To be honest, mate, I think I'm done with men all together." Adam snorted.

"Done with men? What you're gonna turn straight on me?" I laughed as I felt my body almost molding into the cool green grass that covered the back garden.

"And fuck pussy? I may be done, Adam, but I would have to be pretty fucking desperate to want pussy." My hand roamed across the grass, feeling the short blades almost tickle my palm. It felt almost soft and comfy underneath my skin, feeling it, letting my fingers run over the blades became almost hypnotic. "Jesus, Adam, what the fuck does your ma do to this grass?"

"Don't be dissing the grass, bub. My ma is proud of this grass, it's football field quality. Fucking Wembley stadium doesn't have grass this fucking good." I laughed hard, it echoed throughout the night sky.

"Well fuck, if they need a new pitch they know where to come." The giggles began to fill me as my mind thought up different things, most of them were about the football being played in Adam's garden.

"Fuck man, don't, my ma loves this grass, she fucking talks to it. She battered the fuck out me when she found my roaches all over it." Chuckling, I sat up and pulled the small bag out of my pocket.

I had found my release, my get out. My emotions felt numb and for once I just didn't care. The weight of everything was lifted off me finally. I felt free to just float and care only for this moment in time. While I knew that this buzz, this free feeling would be short lived, for tomorrow would bring me back to reality, I knew just what to do when I wanted to get out of my world for a while.

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_I do want to state something about this chapter. I don't think drugs are cool or a way out of your problems, I just used it as a way for Jasper to have his release._

_Hit the review button my lovelys nd send some love and hugs my way, Jen x  
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	10. You let go and I'll let go too

_**AN**/ Hi all! I know its been like two months since I last updated this story, and I'm sure a lot of you thought I had scrapped it all together, but this chapter took a while to write. Writing some of these chapters aren't easy, this one was very hard for me to write and becuase of that, it took me weeks to get to a point to end it. _

_I know that a lot will have forgotten what was happening in the last chapters, and I do hope that there are a few peeps still interested and have been waiting for this chapter to arrive, but if you have given up and moved on to something else, then its fine. _

_Once again a massive thank you to dtav, who is just being a complete star and not only prereading but beta'ing my chapters while Amy is ill. If any of you are waiting for and update from Ealasaid77, you could be waiting a while. Amy has hurt her shoulder really bad. She can hardly move it, and is currently trying to find out what is wrong, hopefully Amy will be back with us soon. Get will soon honey, *hugs*_

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_**JPOV**_

The days and weeks passed by in a blur. After I broke down at my parent's house that Sunday, I had gone into some sort of shut down mode. I didn't want to feel; I didn't want to remember anything; I just wanted to be high and enjoy the ride, and I was. In a fucking blast of drinking and smoking after work, I was feeling less and less. Five days after my breakdown, I was asked if I wanted to join a group of both men and women I worked with to go down to the local bar for a few drinks after work. Deciding it was better than drinking and smoking alone at home, I agreed and never looked back.

Almost every night after work I was in the local bar in town with at least two of the guys from work. We were drinking and shooting pool, messing around and laughing until it was closing time. On more then one occasion we would then end up at a karaoke bar until it was two a.m. Weekends consisted of me being out on the town every Saturday night with this group, then finding myself back at one of their houses. I would crash on the sofa after the alcohol had reduced us to crawling messes on the floor. My routine was work, bar, drink, sleep. Everyday was the same, it never changed in anyway shape or form. This was how I coped with everything. My way of dealing with the past was to shut down and enjoy my life with these friends.

Friends? They weren't friends. Yes, we hung out and drank together, had a laugh and a good time, but these weren't friends. If I suddenly stopped going out, they wouldn't care; If I dropped off the face of the earth, they wouldn't notice. But, that didn't matter. All that mattered right now was my way of shutting everything down and letting it all go. If I got that through these people, then great. If not, I would find another way.

"I could really do with a smoke right now." Eric drunkenly mumbled in my ear as we sat in the crowed club one Saturday night. Nodding my head at him, the urge to suddenly get stoned washed over me. In all honesty, I was bored out of my mind in this club. The music was rubbish, the drinks were warm and there was zero for me to look at.

Being in a straight bar or club didn't bother me. I was the only gay guy in the group and even though they had said they wouldn't mind going to a gay club with me, I always turned down the offer. They were more comfortable being in a straight place and with it not bothering me where we went, I didn't see the point in subjecting them to a place where they would undoubtedly feel uncomfortable.

"Have you got any?" Eric grinned at me with an devilish tint in his eyes.

"No, but I have this." He looked around and carefully placed his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small clear bag of white powder. "Coke, want a line?" Looking at the white powder in the bag, my mind raced.

The most I had ever taken before was an E which resulted in a hospital trip the following morning with my skin burning up and my heart racing. The pill had been cut with rat poison, and after a receiving a shot of fuck knows what and throwing my guts up for an hou,r I was allowed to go home with the warning of 'don't take it again.' Did I really want to snort something up my nose?

Thinking fuck it, why not, I answered with a sharp nod. "Awesome, come with me." Standing up from the table, I followed Eric towards the toilet and into a cubical. I couldn't help but snicker thinking that we both looked like a bunch of queers heading into the cubical for a quick fuck or blow.

Watching him, he wiped the top of the toilet and poured some of the coke onto it. Taking out his bank card, he cut it into lines before rolling up a twenty and looking at me. "Simple, all you do is place this to a nostril, hold a finger over the other one and inhale moving the twenty up the line. Got it?"

"Simple enough." I said as I took the rolled up twenty off him and placed it to my nose. A quick inhale later and the line of coke was gone.

Handing the twenty back to him, I watched Eric clean up his line in seconds before wetting his finger and running it along the remains of the coke before rubbing it on his gums. "Want the rest?" He offered.

Deciding that I already had it my system, I wet my finger and did the same,before leaving the cubical and heading back to the table. My nose had already began to feel numb and my head started to feel slightly fuzzy.

"Jasper!" I heard my name called in a fuzzy state as I slumped down on the seat. "Jasper!" I searched the room looking for whoever was calling me until I spotted Alice in front of the table. Her hands were on her hips and she was throwing daggers at me with her eyes.

"What?" This was what I didn't want. A dose of Alice to ruin my fucking night. What the fuck was she doing here?

"Don't what me! Just where the fuck have you been? I have called and called and called you and I never get any fucking answer from you and now I see you here in this fucking state!" She shouted at me making the guys chuckle and snicker.

"Jazz, man it looks like your mummy wants you home." Sticking my middle finger up at Ben, I looked at Alice.

"Go away Alice. Have you ever thought that maybe I didn't want to talk to you? Don't fucking come here shouting your fucking mouth at me like I'm some sort of fucking child!" My anger flared through me. How fucking dare she act like this and embarrasses me in front of my friends?

"I'll fucking speak to you how I want! What the fuck is wrong with your eyes? Jasper, what have you taken?" Alice demanded as my head began to swim with jumbled thoughts.

"Chill out shorty. He's had some coke." I heard Eric tell Alice. My eyes were shut in some desperate attempt to stop the room from spinning.

"Coke? You gave him coke? Jasper? Jasper, look at me." Lifting my head off the back of the seating booth, I looked at Alice who was inches from my face. "Why, Jazz?"

"Because I fucking wanted to. Now fuck off Alice." Picking up my shot of brandy off the table, Alice took it out of my hand. " What the fuck? Give it back!" I demanded.

"No, you're going home, now!" She matched my tone grabbing my arm in a vain attempt to pull me up to my feet.

"I'm not going anywhere Alice. You can't control me. You can't tell me what to fucking do. Get the fuck off me and leave!" I snarled in her face, yanking my arm out of her grasp.

"Leave you alone? What and let you stay with these people so they can feed you some more coke? You're going home right fucking now. Get up and follow me or I will get Paul here to fucking pick you up and move you." I laughed which was a pretty bad move. My stomach turned again causing a shift of vomit to rise up my throat slightly.

"Come on, bring the fucking cunt. You think I'm fucking bothered by it Alice? No, I don't even know why I am your fucking friend. All you fucking do is nag at me. Have a fucking go; it's like being married to you but without the sex." By now the group of friends I was with were busy laughing at us, taking the piss at how Alice was treating me.

"I won't leave you her. If you never want to speak to me again, that's fine, but I am doing this for your own good. Now get up!" Wanting to scream my head off at her for doing this and wanting to cry because I knew deep down that she was right, I got to my feet stumbling slightly and was caught by Alice.

Pulling my arm away from her, I walked through the club with my head throbbing and my heart racing. My vision was off, not as sharp as normal with an almost fuzzy tinge to the edges. My gums tingled slightly and felt numb as did my nostril. My stomach turned and vibrated with the heavy baseline running through my body from the music. I wanted fresh air and I wanted it badly.

Stepping out in the cold air, my breathing picked up. I wanted to suck more and more of the cold air into my almost burning lungs. The cold air didn't have the affect I wanted or had hoped for. As nice as it felt in my lungs, it also made me feel worse then I did inside the club. Resting my back against the wall of the club, I rested my hands on my knees bending forward slightly in an attempt to not be sick.

"You okay, Jazz?" Alice asked me while rubbing her hand up and down my back. Though she was just being caring towards me, the act annoyed me more then it should have.

"Get off me, I'm fine!" I snapped out at her feeling her hand come away from my back. By now my head was swimming in racing thoughts that matched my ever racing heart. My lungs felt tighter as though a steel vise had been suddenly placed around them. My teeth were aching, throbbing in my mouth so much that I wanted to pull them out. The sickness continued to stir in my stomach making me want to throw everything up.

This wasn't what I was looking for when I took that coke. Maybe I was expecting it to be more like the weed I smoked. I expected that numb feeling of just not giving a flying fuck about everything, that wonderful feeling of just being lost without a care in the world. Standing back up, I leaned back against the wall tilting my head back and closing my eyes. I could feel the damp, clammy sweat on my face as I sucked in big lungfulls of air.

"Jazz, the taxi is here." Alice's soft, soothing voice sounded all fuzzy and off. Carefully, she took hold of my arm and walked me to the taxi.

The motion of the car made me feel worse. Every bump in the road made my stomach feel ten times worse then it was. Winding the window down, I hoped the cool breeze coming into the taxi would help stop the rise of sick that kept creeping up the back of my throat. Resting the back of my neck on the seat, I closed my eyes feeling the waves of sickness wash over me. Everything seemed to be spinning, like I was some big ass ferris wheel, that was going super fast. Leaning forward and putting my head between my knees, I felt like my head was trapped in some vise pushing it in tighter and tighter and making it throb painfully.

Alice rubbed the base of my back soothingly, but it wasn't what I wanted, and I just snapped at her.

"Get the fuck off me." I groaned out, convincing myself that this was all her fault. If she had never of turned up and started shit with me, if she had just left me alone when I told her to go, then I wouldn't be feeling like this.

"Jazz, I'm worried about you." She said in my ear.

"Fucking don't be." I snarled at her. _Why was she even my friend?_

"You're burning up, Jasper. Sit back, please." Her concerned voice washed through my head. Doing as I was told, I sat back with my head resting against the back of the seat. Turning my head slightly to look at Alice, I saw her brown eyes covered in a layer of unshed tears.

Worry marred her features creating lines across her forehead, and I wondered why we were even friends. All I had done since that night we went out is blank her. Like I was blaming her for what happened, for that idiot I picked up. That wasn't her fault. She wasn't to know just what I was bringing home, just like I didn't. I had gone from not wanting to talk to her to avoid talking about that night, to hating her for making me go out and in the end making me feel like shit.

And then tonight? When all she was doing was looking out for me, making sure I was okay, I snapped at her. I shouted at her, and spoke to her in a way my mother would be ashamed of. She was right. The people I was with didn't give a flying fuck what happened to me, how much I took and what I drank on top of it. My friendship with them was nothing more than someone to go drinking with. If I was to keel over and die on the spot they wouldn't bat a fucking eyelash to it. Yet Alice, my one true friend and standing at all of four foot nothing, dragged me out of the nightclub and put me in taxi home just to make sure I was okay and didn't do anything else stupid.

How great of a friend am I?

"Al..." My voice was rough and throaty, shaking slightly as I spoke. She smile slightly at me and stroked my cheek.

"I know. We're almost home." She whispered softly. I was happy to hear that. I didn't know how much longer I could take being in the back of the taxi before I threw my guts up. I'm pretty sure that Mr. 'I'm going to fucking rape you in price', wouldn't be too happy about it.

Closing my eyes, Alice held my hand. I could hear her on the phone to Paul telling him she wouldn't be home tonight, that she had found me in a club drunk and on coke and that she wanted to stay with me the night to make sure I was okay. The worry in her voice made my heart break. I had put that there by being a crap friend to her when she had been so great towards me. My behavior had put that concern, that worry and that fear in her voice. She hung up and squeezed my hand as the taxi came to a stop. The motion of the car coming an end made me feel worse. Opening the taxi door, I shot out and threw my guts up on the pavement completely forgetting that I had just left Alice to pay for the taxi.

I heard the car door slam shut and the sound of heels clicking against the pavement before a small hand rubbed my back. Continuing to heave but with nothing coming out, Alice fished in my pockets for my keys.

"Let's get you inside and get you some water." Taking my arm, Alice walked me to the front door. The waves of sickness continued to hit me like angry waves crashing against the rocks during a bad storm.

Standing there swaying slightly as the ground felt like it was moving underneath me, Alice fiddled with my keys. Turning the lock and opening door, I pushed past Alice and bolted upstairs towards the bathroom. Collapsing in front of the toilet, I threw my guts up yet again wishing for the sickness to end, for the gut wrenching heaving to just go. I wasn't sure what was worse actually being sick or the heaving.

With my forearms resting around the toilet seat and my head placed in the toilet itself, I closed my eyes praying for this to end, for it to be over, for all of it to be over. I heard the click of the light switch, but I made no effort to lift my head up and look at Alice. The thought of moving was enough to make me heave all over again.

"Jasper, here, drink this." She said touching my shoulder with her hand. Turning my head slightly, I saw her holding out a glass of water to me.

"I don't want it, Al." I mumbled as I felt my head splitting into an almighty headache.

"It will make you sick, Jazz. You need to get this out your system." She urged moving the glass of water closer to me. "Please, Jazz, drink it or I will take you to hospital...please." She pleaded in a whisper.

"Al.." I tried to argue with her but she cut me off.

"No, Jasper. Do you realise there could be anything in that crap you took?" She shouted at me before sighing and kneeling on the bathroom floor next to me. "I love you, Jasper. You're my oldest friend, and this is killing me. To see you just destroy yourself over him like this. Please, please just drink it." Her tears trailed down her cheeks slowly as she pleaded with me again.

Taking the glass of water from her, I downed it wondering just how long it would stay in my stomach before I threw it back up. Feeling my stomach fill with water, I began to feel my throat muscles tighten slightly. Taking in shaky, deep breathes, I willed myself not to be sick again, willed for my headache to go and my heart to stop racing the way it was. Putting my face back over the toilet, I threw up yet again cursing Alice for making me drink the water, but loving her for caring about me when I clearly didn't give a shit about myself.

Alice stayed by my side tucking my hair behind my ears and rubbing my back as I brought up everything that was in my stomach until there was nothing left. Finally feeling like the sickness had ended, I wiped my mouth and rested the back of my head against the wall seeing Alice's mascara streaked all over her face. Bringing my knees up and covering my face with my hands, I begin to cry seeing just what a mess I was really in, the dark pit of hell keeping me locked there forever more. I was no better now then I was when I was with only difference was now I wasn't walking around with bruises all over me.

"I'm sorry Alice." I sobbed out. "So, so sorry." And I was sorry for how I acted in the club towards her, sorry for how I spoke to her, sorry for how I had cut her away from my life over the last few weeks.

"Jazz, it's okay." She croaked out pulling my hands away from my face and holding them in her hands.

"It's not. I don't deserve to have someone like you in my life. I have treated like you shit, spoke to you like shit and yet you come back here to make sure I don't die. That's not okay." I grumbled. "I want it to end Al, the pain I'm feeling, the emptiness that consumes me, the feeling of not being wanted or being good enough to go. All I want is a bit of happiness in my life, just a small bit nothing more. I want what you have but it's what I can't have." She rubbed the back of my hands as I cried feeling broken and damaged beyond repair.

"This will get better Jasper, I promise it will. You need to face this and you're not. You're running away and hiding just like you did when you were with him. You're stronger then this, Jazz. I know you are." She touched my wedding band. "Take it off Jasper. It's doing you more damage then good." Snatching my left hand away from her, I shook my head.

"No, I can't. I can't remove it. It will mean that I failed, that it really was nothing." I argued with her. She sighed loudly.

"Jasper, your marriage failed, not you. Admit it. Admit it's not your fault. Admit it's over Jasper." Her voice was firm as she spoke.

"I know it's over. I threw him out, remember?" I snapped back

"Then why are you wearing that ring still?" She questioned. Giving her a shrug in response, she continued. "You wear it because you know that removing it means it's really done. Keeping it on is like...it's like you can convince yourself that it's still going on. Jasper, I know you don't want him but part of you doesn't want to admit you're single again. I get that, honestly, I do. But this isn't going to change unless you face it."

"No one will want me. That guy I brought home freaked out because of the scars I have on my back. He thought I was into some whipping games. He told me how crappy I was, how I gave great head but was a shit lay. Honestly Alice, who the fuck is going to want me?" Remembering that night caused the pain in my chest to increase ripping a great hole through the delicate layer of healing that had taken place leaving me open and raw. "I'm not good enough for anyone."

"You are! Goddammit Jasper! Just because you had the shittiest luck in the world and pulled the biggest twat in the club doesn't mean that every man you meet is going to think that. He is out there waiting for you and you will find him. When you do, he isn't going to think anything of those scars. He won't think you're a crap lay. He will love and adore every single inch of you. Jasper, beauty isn't just skin. It's not having a perfect body. It's not being flawless. Sure, we would all love it. I would love to have that clear, perfect skin that you see in magazines, but I can't be photoshopped." I chuckled at her comment knowing how she would love to be photoshopped all the time.

"Beauty is what's inside too, the person you are not just looks. Jasper, most people get attracted to someone because of the way they smile, or their eyes, even their laughter. It's not always about how great someone's ass looks in a pair of jeans. Those people are shallow and not worth anything. It may take time for you to find him and you may have to go through a few relationships first, but you will find him because we always do. Albeit tonight, tomorrow, next week or next year. You will find your one." Snickering slightly, my eyes closed as I tried to picture that.

Could I actually find someone who was just right and was everything I ever wanted? Who could give me all I needed and not just take? The thought was lovely something nice to think about, but I also knew the reality of it was very different from the fantasy of it all.

"Alice, fantasy is great, but I like to be real about things. How could I ever trust anyone to get that close to me? How could I let everything go and just live like any normal person can?" This was something she couldn't really answer. There wasn't some magic wand to be waved and everything would be better and I would get all the answers to my questions though I wished there was.

"I don't know, Jasper. Time, I guess." She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "You feeling better? Not sick anymore?"

"Better. The room has stopped spinning and I think I can move without throwing up." Pulling myself up off the floor, I stumbled and staggered my way towards the bedroom.

Pushing the door open and walking into the bedroom, my mind became flooded with memories. Everything in this house reminded me of _him._ The colour of the walls, the way the room was set up, even the bedding. Everything was what he wanted. He picked it all. I lie in bed, the bed he picked out, the bed he wanted us to share, in the same place he picked for it go. Lying in covers that he chose, the ones he wanted to match to the colour of the walls, the ones he claimed made it more comfy to sleep in. As if the colour of bedding made it easier or more comfy to sleep in.

"Jasper?" Alice's meek voice brought me out of my thoughts. "Are you okay?" Looking at her, I smiled weakly at her. The hole in my chest was aching, pulling at the sides and widening it inside of me.

"Yeah...Sorry, let me get something to sleep in." She didn't push me over what was on my mind leaving me to open drawers and pull out a Tee and a pair of shorts. "Here." Handing them over to her, I grabbed a pair of PJ bottoms and went to go out of the room.

"Stay. I'll change in the bathroom. You'll end up falling and smacking your head on the bathroom sink." She squeezed my arm before disappearing out of the room.

Changing, I climbed in bed and looked at the cheap gold band around my finger. It was meant to mean something. It was meant to symbolise our marriage, our love, that we both wanted each other and no other. It was a token of his love for me, a token of his heart. Something round and never ending, much like our marriage and our love. Yet it wasn't any of those things. The ring was more of a chain, or a marking of his. I belonged to him and no one else. It was no token of his love, or of his heart. It was something that made his claim to me, which sealed my fate. My vows may as well have been a nursery rhyme for all it mattered. It meant that little to him.

Even during our planning, though I never once saw it, he was in charge. The place we wed, he chose. It didn't matter if I liked it or not, he did and that was main thing. The colours of the suits, he picked. The time we got married, he picked. Even where I got my hair cut the morning of the wedding, he picked. Yet I never saw the problem. So stupidly in love with him, I saw no harm. I agreed, went along and smiled throughout everything because he seemed happy and his happiness meant the word to me.

I wasn't given a choice over his surname. There was no talking, no asking if I wanted to take his, or if I wanted him to have mine or even putting them together. That was something that he decided. He wanted me to have his name and no other. He wasn't open to me saying, suggesting or even making a comment on it. I was his, therefore I took his name. If only I had seen it back then. If only I had listened to my family when they told me not to marry him. If only I had thought for just one fucking minute, all of this could have been stopped. But no, I was happy, blinded by him, so sure that he was the one for me that I didn't question a thing.

He wanted me, or so I thought. After years of being picked on and bullied, told that I wouldn't find anyone, that even being gay wouldn't change things, I was completely high to prove them wrong.

How dumb are you at such a young age? For me, my mental age was about five.

Age is such an amazing thing. You realise that everything you thought you knew was wrong. You see and realise the mistakes you made, and most of all, you realise you knew nothing.

The main light in the bedroom flicked off leaving just the soft, warm glow of the bedside lamp on. The covers pulled back as Alice got in turning to her side. I saw her look at my hand before hers reached out and grabbed mine.

"You're thinking about it, aren't you? Taking it off I mean."She laced her fingers through mine and squeezed my hand.

"I am...I think...Well, I'm thinking. Thinking about a lot of thing's actually. None of them good." I sighed. Alice rested her head on my shoulder and put her arm over my waist. "What would Paul say if he saw you curled up to a half naked man in bed?"

Laughing, she answered. "He would beg you to take me off his hands."

"I'm sure he wouldn't, Al. He's completely in love with you...though I do wonder why. Does he realise you're a little freakish and not in a kinky sort of way?" She slapped my stomach playfully.

"He loves all my faults and flaws. You're just jealous that I'm not with you." I laughed at her come back. "Well, it's true."

"And how do you know that me being gay isn't just some act, just to get you in bed?"

"Because Jazz, I have known you all your life. And I know women don't turn you on in the slightest. Besides, you have already seen me naked." I shuddered at the memory. "Hey, no shuddering."

"Sorry Al, but walking in on you getting changed wasn't the highlight of my life. It didn't go into the wank bank and I certainly have no desire to ever see you like that again."

"You shouldn't have walked in." She giggled.

"You were in my room. How was I meant to know that my room suddenly became Alice's personal dressing room?" She shrugged at me. "Night Al."

"Night. You sure you're feeling alright?" She asked as she rolled onto her back.

"I'm fine, I'll see you in the morning." Flicking the light off, I laid there, my thumb spinning my wedding band around while deciding what to do before I fell asleep.

By nine, I was already awake, showered and dressed. My decision made and my plans set, I held my cup of coffee waiting for the clock to tick forward. If there was a way I could do this now, I would. The longer I waited, the more chance I could bottle it and not go. I needed to go, need to hand it back. Though I knew it wouldn't really have any impact on him, it would make me feel better. It would make me feel as though I had taken back some control, taken some small piece of me back from his grasp.

Staring at my coffee cup, I tried to tell myself that I could do this, that I could walk in there and do what I needed to do which was hand it back to him and tell him it was done and dusted. But the thought scared me. With a few sharp, choice words, he would make me feel small and back in his control. He would laugh and tell me I was foolish, tell me it wasn't over until he said so. But while everyday I wore his ring I would feel like he was right, when he wasn't. In his head he could still pretend that he owned me, that he still had control and that at any given moment he could snap his wrist and pull the reigns back in on me.

Taking a sip of my coffee, my face screwed up as the cold liquid filled my mouth. _Just how long __had I been looking at it, thinking?_ Walking into the kitchen, I poured the cold coffee down the sink. Deciding that now was the best time to go, I grabbed a piece of paper and pen and scribbled down a note to Alice. I didn't tell her where I was going, just that I wouldn't be long and to lock up when she left. With the promise to call her on my way back to see where she was, I left it folded into a tent shape and put it next to the kettle.

Grabbing my phone and keys, I made my way towards my car. Part of me was screaming not to do this, that by doing this I was letting go and welcoming a world of being on my own. The other part of me was scared but had come to the conclusion that I would sooner be on my own for the rest of my life then have to live another day in this hell.

The drive to Starbucks seemed to be both quick and long all rolled into one. By the time I pulled into the car park, my palms were already sweaty and my heart was beating wildly in my chest. My dreams of last night had pictured this a thousand times, coming up with multiple ways of how this would go, some of them good and some of them bad. I had dozed on and off throughout the night. When I wasn't dreaming about this moment, I was thinking about it. Trying to calm my nerves, I sucked in a deep breath before climbing out of the car and walking across the car park.

Unlike before when I had made an effort the last time I saw Jacob, this time I was turning up in a pair of baggy jeans and a Tee. My hair was tied back hanging in a long pony tail from my lack of cutting it. I didn't care how I looked today. This wasn't about me coming to see if our marriage could be saved. This was about me cutting off the final ties to him, and trying to rebuild my life.

Pushing open the doors into Starbucks, I saw Jacob sitting over in the corner away from everyone. Seeing me walk in, he smiled and waved me over. Walking towards him, I noticed he had already ordered me a drink. That was not something I wanted to see. That only reminded me of how he had to pick everything for me.

"Hey, Um..thanks for meeting me." Sliding into the booth, Jacob grinned at me.

"I'm glad you called. I've missed you so much Jasper. I've missed holding you in my arms, and being close to you. I'm hoping this is a good thing, this call?" He looked so hopeful, so convincing, that for a spilt second I almost believed his act.

"No, it's not. Jacob, I... We..." My words were lost as Jacob spoke again.

"Jasper, I can see how much this is hurting you. It's hurting me, too. We're meant to be together, you and I. Us against the world babe, remember?" He reached for my hand across the table slowly rubbing my knuckles before I pulled it away.

"Please Jake, don't. I didn't come here to talk about us getting back together. I want a divorce." The final part of my sentence came out in just a whisper. Jacob's face twisted in pain before he wiped it with his palm.

"You...you don't mean that. I know you don't. We can work this out babe, sort out our problems and be happy again. We're not the only couple in the world to go through a bad time." The tears began to fill his eyes making my heart ache for him.

Somehow, despite everything he had done to me, I still loved him. Seeing him in pain, in well acted pain I might add, hurt me.

"Jacob, don't, please don't make this harder." I could hardly look at him as I spoke, the tears running down his cheeks and wetting the top of his Tee was a painful sight.

"Then don't end our marriage. I'll change. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Say it, name it, it's done. For you I'm willing to do anything." I almost laughed at his words. It was all lies. Surely he didn't think I would believe him? Yes, it hurt to see him like this and yes, I didn't want to cause him pain but I wasn't stupid. Not anymore, I wasn't.

"Jake...You know you won't change. I know it, too." Slowly I began pulling my wedding band off my finger. "It's time to let go and move on."

"Let go? No!" He almost growled at me.

"Yes. I'm not yours anymore. Let me go and I'll let go, too." My eyes clouded with unshed tears as I looked at my wedding band just resting on the tip of my finger. "This isn't healthy. It never was, Jacob."

"And you think taking off your wedding band is? Do you realise you should be thanking me for being with you? Don't be a fool Jasper. You're smarter than this." His angry stare burned holes through the side of my face as I looked out the window.

"Being alone is better than being with you, Jacob." My heart broke all over again as I pulled my wedding band off the tip of my finger and looked at it. "I loved you so much. I worshiped the ground you walked on, and all I ever wanted was your love, Jacob. To be treated as your equal. I never got that. I saw every side of you apart from the one I craved the most." He snorted at me as I finished speaking.

"Understand this, I will see you in hell before I sign any papers. You won't get rid of me easily. I'll make your life such a hell that you will be begging me to take you back." He seethed at me. Standing, I placed my wedding band on the table. My eyes flickered between it and him.

"Goodbye Jacob."

Turning, I left the coffee shop quickly wanting to get as far away from him as I could. I fumbled with my keys through shaking fingers to get into my car before flooring out of there. Less then a mile away from home, I pulled over and broke down in tears. The hard part was over. I had stood my ground and took back just a small, tiny piece of me from him. My tears were a mixture of happy and sad. Happy to have done it when I thought I couldn't do it, and sad because I truly had let go and ended my marriage.

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._Okay so if any of you are still hanging around with this fic and managed to get your way through the heartbreak to the end of this chapter, then please hit the review button. _

_Jen x  
_


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